Wisdom

Some days I have no idea where it comes. But a moment when I have the right words to say to make a difference. Some insight to what is going on in someone elses world. Where the emotions of anger or hurt have gone and is replaced with compassion and sadness.

This doesnt happen often so when it does I harness it and remember it and pray for the right moment to deliver it. It is the moment when I forget myself and work to save another person.

This person is my mother. This pain is watching every Christmas her getting depressed and hiding away from everyone. Is random phone calls begging me to come over and cheer her up and when I can't switching to "I'm German, I can take care of myself, I am fine, dont worry abt me." For as long I can remember I hated Christmas. It was a time where I knew that I would be getting in trouble for doing something wrong and wrecking it for everyone. When in actually fact it wasnt me. I think it was the guilt passed onto me.

Even now I dread doing family dinners because it feels like we are pretending to be a happy family when no one actually wants to be there. So sad.

Anyway I will try my best to make the best day for Maddison and Dan. Because they deserve it. I hope I will get the opportunity to speak words of wisdom into my Mum's heart to snap her out of her misery. Remind her although Granddad died early this month, several years ago, Each year we lose her again and again because of it.

Stuff

Stuff is happening to me. I am not feeling great but there is hope. Some of my brain is still working because even though I wanted to give up the things dearest to me I didnt. I will fake it until I make it.

Its hard, I am trying not to question why, just to deal with it, admit that I cant do it on my own and actually lean on the people that want to help me.

The hardest part was admitting that its gone too far and I really can't talk my way out of it. I can't convince myself that I'm ok. I also can't look my friends in the eye and say that I'm fine.

I think God is reminding me that I'm not invincible even though I think I am. I have never felt more physically drained, (other than childbirth) sick and weak than I do right now. It makes me want to stay in bed and never get out, and I never feel like that. I need to be active yet my mind and my body have suddenly shut down.

Even through all I don't feel sad about it. It's a hope that one day soon I will finally start to feel better, stronger and happy again. Its nice to be able to focus on my physical health rather than my mental health for a change. It's somewhat easier. I am doing something about it for once.

Well I've admitted it, I'm enduring it and I will come out of it alive.

To stop or not to...

Is considering quitting this Idea of writing. It's not really working for me. I don't like seeing where my head has been. I never seem to write when something good happens. So either I need to stop or just think very carefully before writing (which kinda defeats the purpose). Someone told me today that they are sick of reading my emo fb updates. Which has caused me to rethink what I write. It also reiterates the feeling of others who are lacking feedback. So what is the point of this? Well I don't know if expressing my feelings is really helpful. I think it's not. For a person who is an intravert, a public blog is a rather sensitive issue. Some peole just roll their eyes and ignore me. So I don't think it's worth it.

I'm rather hurt by the lack of interest which would assume that I'm not writing quality. So why write at all. Please for those who read this, this has nothing to do with you directly. I really am only focusing on someone in particular who doesn't know I blog.

Ah this is just a waste of time. I know barely anyone reads me. It's all good. I will decide later on what I should do.

Missing

Today I feel as though I am missing something. If only I knew what it was. Nothing is stable, comfortable or reassuring. I feel like I need a good DNM except I know it won't fix anything. Probably will raise more questions than answers.

Things that I want that I'm not sure I should have. Questions I want to ask but don't think I can bare to hear the answer and things I want to say but think no one wants to hear.

Feelings of anger that I can't explain. The things I doubt in myself that I can't shake. If I tried to put these feelings into words they just sound so stupid and trivial. So I don't say them. I think it goes away for a while until a trigger sets them off.

I feel like a loaded gun that is going to go off any minute. The problem is I don't want to try and explain the mess that will follow to the unfortunate person who may cop it.

I'm sure I will be fine. Like the headache I have now, it will go away soon. I cant stop it from reoccurring but as usual I deal with it as it comes.

This sounds so dramatic, I feel like I'm writing fiction. Maybe I am. Or maybe I should write. I just want to be happy, like everyone else. Like everyone else I have problems, feelings and flaws. I am no different. I am blended into my surroundings and have never stood out. Why would I want to now?

I think I want fuss some days, I think I want sympathy... but when I get it, I don't know what to do with it. I can't take anything positive spoken to me. I don't know why. I can't hear listen to others complaints without feeling... well sad about myself. Does that make me selfish? I get angry at some people who are always sick. I can't explain that. That makes me unable to be sympathetic to others. Wow I must be a really sucky person to be with. I hate that about myself.

So back to 'missing' what is missing? Me.

A moment

My daughter woke up, as she has been every night for a while. A simple cuddle and she goes back to sleep before I put her down. Tonight I decided to take her into my bed cuz it was cold and sat in my bed with her on my chest just for a little while. It reminded me of the first time I held her and the first few nights in hospital where the only place she would sleep was on my chest with an ear near my heart. It's the safest place for her. Just made me feel the weight of responsibility for her. In a good way. That I have been chosen to care for her. Until a time when God will call his people. This little bundle of promise. So precious.

I had a whole day without her today. My husband had some running around to do and offered to take her with him. I wasn't feeling well so I happily let her go. I think it was the most relaxed I'd felt in ages. I gave Dan the opportunity to be a dad and me permission to relax and do something for myself for a change. It was amazing. So now I can appreciate her even more and remind myself to cherish the short time we have together.

I so needed this break and am convinced this needs to be a regular thing!

Too much to ask?

Had forgotten how quickly I can get stressed. I don't understand how I can be ok one minute then be ropeable the next. All it takes is Maddison refusing to eat. I doubt myself... Am I really able to bring up my daughter well? Will I screw it up? Is God really here helping me? Am I giving my life over to God? Is he really guiding me or have I walked off the path? Should I be working? Am I being selfish staying at home with my daughter? Am I worthy enough to be an example on stage worshipping God? I don't think my life represents the image I am portraying on stage. I don't feel like I am the same person.

I need to be more! To be stronger, more honest. Less judgmental, less critical. I'm doing something wrong! I know it! I just wish i knew what it was.

I have great people who try and encourage me but I really need some answers. I feel like I'm covering up what's really going on. I can go out and be busy and just push things aside but that doesn't help me when I am alone. I then have to face myself and sort out my own thoughts. I need to work through them not push them aside. No one will help me with that. People just say that it's not who I am, they refuse to validate my thoughts. I'm not being dramatic looking for attention I just need to get my head clear. It's so fuzzy. I know what I'm like and this is me trying to work through things, addressing my thoughts and trying to cut through them to the real issue.

I know I think and say some really stupid things but some thoughts get muddled up and issues that need to be resolved are just pushed aside with all the other rubbish. I don't know how to fix it. I just know that I have to somehow.

I want to be able to sit alone and be happy with myself and content that i know who i am in God. Is that to much to ask?

Before the worst The Script

It’s been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain

So explain to me, how it came to this
Let’s take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
With vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?

But everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst
Before we met
Before our hearts decided it’s time to love again
Before today
Before too long
Let’s try and take it back before it all went wrong

There was a time that we’d stay up all night
Best friends, yeah, talking til the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to lose but so much to gain

Are you hearing me? Cuz I don’t wanna miss
That you would drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton street, on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you were mine for life

We were thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?

But everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst
Before we met
Before our hearts decided it’s time to love again
Before today
Before too long
Let’s try and take it back before it all went wrong

For some reason this song has resonated in my heart. Its captured my attention and sat in the back of mind all day.

Maybe its the piano rif, maybe its the melody, maybe its the lyrics. I dont know but its stuck. Its not about my husband. I dont know whats caught me. But tears come grieving over something I don't understand.

I thought about people I have lost and others I wish I knew better... some I think of all the time but also family I have adopted. How many times have we tried to take back things? It never works! We cant. Words are spoken and they stay in the hearts of those who heard them....

I think so much has gone wrong... I can't fix it, I just watch it getting worse... My own live, others in my life... it just gets worse and I feel like I'm watching it in slow motion.

I remember a time when I was happy, not a care in the world, I didnt drink, I didnt worry. It was a long time ago. Before I screwed it up... Maybe I dont remember it. Maybe it was just a dream.. I dont know. I think of my daughter and hope to God that I don't screw this up... I will not forgive myself if I did.

Breaking my heart

Let it all out - Relient K

Let it all out, Get it all out, Rip it out remove it, Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed. Cause we're so scared to find out out, what this life's all about. So scared we're going to lose it, not knowing all along that's exactly what we need.

And today I trust you with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat but tommorow, upon hearing what I did I will stare at you in disbelief. Oh inconsistent me crying out for consistency.

And you said I know that this will hurt but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

And I'll let it be known at times I have shown signs of all my weakness but somewhere in me there is strength and you promise that you believe in time I will defeat this cause somewhere in me there is strength.

And today I trust with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat and I'll try my best to just forget that that man isn't me.

Reach out to me make my heart brand new. Every beat will be for you. For you. And I know you know, you touched my life. When you touched my heavy heart and made it light.

I thought the best way to describe how I feel is write the lyrics of a song. I listened to this a few weeks ago and cried when I realised what God was telling me. I have listened to this song for quite a few years now but didnt really get what it was saying. It made me cry when I realised that this was exactly how I felt and suddenly knew how God felt about me.
I know God is breaking my heart so that I will surrender it over to him. I feel like I'm going backwards but God is just preparing me for something else. I did enjoy the brief time I had feeling good about myself though. It doesn't happen very often although I am getting tired of struggling to keep my head up.

Its funny that if it was a physically situation not a emotional one then I think I would be able to deal with it fine. But when it's in my head and my thoughts then I go down hard.


Hear is a little bit of another song has always touched me.

When I got tired of running from you I stopped right there to catch my breath, there your words caught my ears. You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins , they watched me leave and in my heart I so believed the love you felt for me was mine. The love I wished for all this time.
And when the doors were closed I heard no I told you so's I said the words I knew you knew. Oh God Oh God I needed you. God all this time I needed you, I needed you.
(I so hate consequences - Relient K)

Palmed

I had a great weekend... It was awesome.

Until tonight. All I can say is that I have never felt more palmed off. I know I do some stupid things but I didnt know emailing a leader was a bad thing. I'm sure there's a reason and that it wasnt meant to come across that way but it hurt.

I have been in church all my life and seen people leave over less than an email. If I've come to this conclusion how many others have and left because if it.

I will get over it but doesn't change the fact that the someone messed up somewhere. And that if it happens again that someone may just leave over it. It's so sad...

I hate feeling like a doll just palmed off to a department or person that's in charge of me. That I'm just a number someone has to call. It's insulting nearly. I think I preferred not being in a connect group and not being anyone else's responsibility. Some days I feel like you should be able to choose which person you trust to talk to not be assigned one. I know I'm being irrational and that churches need structure but I guess I'm hurting and need to vent a little bit.

I love my church. It will take a lot more than this to make me leave because ultimately I'm there for God. So I will suck it up and get over it.

Awakened

Yesterday was any normal day. No lighting strike of realisation. Just a moment when I walked into church for music practice last night and just felt at home.

I hadn't had a bad day but nothing great either until I got to church. I felt talkative.. which was weird. And then I felt incredibly happy after I got greeted and hugged... yes hugged by our senior pastor. I don't know why, I just think I felt the love from him and from God. Then was just on a high for the rest of the night.

Its sounds childish and crazy but in that moment I felt noticed and loved. It's so easy to get lost in the image of being a muso. Also just as easy to feel as though your not being noticed and taken for granted. I know that our leaders don't take what they do for granted. They work hard and try to be fair but we're all human.

I haven't felt myself for a while now but at the moment I can honestly say I'm feeling great. I don't know how or why but I feel awesome. It could be because I offered to do a triple on Sunday. Meaning that I'll be singing at all three services. I haven't done one since well before Maddison was born. It'll be hard but I am actually excited about it. It makes me feel as though I can give all of me.

I felt like I hadn't been able to give everything in music because I have someone else to think about. But this time its something I love, something that is apart from being a mum. Something that only I can offer to God. For me this is my 100% sacrifice and offering to God. I will struggle and wonder why I volunteered myself but I know that it will totally be worth it! It's the moment I have been waiting for to feel as though I have given all to God. I will be laying down my human flesh to allow my spirit to be free to connect with God.

May everyone that comes to Christian City Church Bridgeman Downs on Sunday be so blessed and their lives changed forever. Not because of me but because of what God has placed on the hearts of those who serve him and that they serve so diligently and wholehearted. That God is free to move wherever he wants to.

Glory be to God!

God uses People

I know I have posted a few depressing posts. I am sorry for those. I need to shift my focus, write when I'm happy and really take note of the good things in life. Maybe also explain myself better and just reflect not complain so much.

One of the blogs I am following is a friend who has been dealt a hard card in life. Yet she looks up and sees God and pushes through the darkness. Offers help to others and really gets how awesome God is. She offered me some advice. Yet felt that she couldn't because she hasnt been in the position I am in. Can I just say that no one will ever truly know what its like to be in someone elses shoes. Because we are all so totally unique. I appreciate it when someone offers words of wisdom in the times when I can't think straight. I try not to say that they don't understand if they haven't been there. God uses people to speak into your world. So how can I shun them when God probably sent them in the first place.

I have people younger than me who have spoken amazing words of wisdom and encouragement to me in times when I was down and I am so thankful that they were there. God knows what we need.

So thank you to those who have read my blog, put up with my random ravings and depressing posts. Who have stepped out there to hold out a hand with the risk of their own safety to help me. I appreciate you. I love you and know for a fact that God will bless you. Because you are the ones who I will always remember for being there when I needed someone. Who forgot themselves for minute to help me. I only hope that I will do the same. That I will risk safety and doubt to hold a hand out to you.

Lonely

I just realise I never do this... Write after I've a had a few drinks. Because I know that my spelling will be atrocious and that my words will brutally honest. Lucky I'm not that far gone yet.

I opened the floor for comments in my last post... No one responded. Which on one hand says to me that people read but say nothing or that no one reads. I am almost glad that no one reads cuz I think I write rubbish most of the time but also I feel sometimes lonely.

Ok so I admit I write rubbish. I used to be creative, I loved making things up and writing. But now it's different. I don't have as much time, I have lost my independence, my freedom to be me.

As much as I'm ok with this to a point... I feel that when I make an effort it falls on deaf ears. Should I be surprised... well no. I have learned that when you become pregnant that you get attention for the baby and when you have the baby, it'll never be about you ever again.

I had people talking to me that would never give me the time of day... but I realised that it was because I created something they had yet to experience that I held their attention. Sad really.

I love being a mum but I totally just miss being me. I miss being acknowledged and loved just because of me and not because I have a totally cute baby.

Ok so I'm being selfish. I warned you I am under the influence. I just want to feel like I belong and that I am valued just because I am me not because I am a mother.

Funny that I had other things I was going to write about and this is what came out...

Feedback please

I learned some things about me today. In a session with a counselor, we talked about how to overcome this feeling of boredom and listlessness. Apart from the last week of frantically moving house, I have been so frustrated, bored... basically going out of my mind. Confused about who I was. Thinking that I had lost my identity. That I was now just labeled as 'Mum' and 'Wife'

I was told that I am still here. I am still exercising the areas in my life that are just for me. I didnt even realise. I play tennis, I sing and spend time with my friends.

For some background, I was never great at any one thing growing up. I tried lots of things some I loved some I could just do. I know that I am naturally athletic. My brothers and I could basically pick up a ball and learn how to play that sport well. Some days I love nothing more than playing a sport until my body gives up. I love it. I also know that music is in my blood. It's where my relationship with God really comes alive. Whether its listening to it, singing or playing it. I love it. I love nothing more than hanging out in good company. To talk about nothing or something really deep. I love being close to those who impact my life and make it that little more exciting. Then there are times where I just want to sit quietly with a good book and escape out of this world. To just read the day away. Give some music I can dance to and I will dance the night away. I used to really love just hanging with kids. I babysat for a number of years, worked in childcare, served on the childrens roster at church. I really thought my place was with animals. I loved volunteering at Australia Zoo and RSPCA. I always wanted to be a vet nurse and I had a job at a surgery. Until my dream went pear shaped.

My point is that I have so many parts of me that I don't know which area I want to pursue. I used to write novels when I was at school, I would write poetry, short stories. I have at least 5 unfinished novels I started since I was 15.

I need to do something. I don't know what. The other thing is that I have to choose carefully as it needs to be flexible since I have a 1 year old and a tight budget.

I just want to find something that challenges me but that I enjoy. Something that lets me be creative yet is affordable. Something that can fit into being a mum. Something that is benefiting someone. I want to feel useful and make a difference somewhere.

I need this to be a God lead thing. He knows me better than anyone else.
But if you have any thoughts feel free to comment.

Freedom

Well we have finally moved. I feel peace. I feel indescribably joyful. Its just us. No one relying on us, no questions, no interruptions... Just us.

I feel myself again. My little girl has settled in well, even my cat seems more at peace. We still have a lot to sort out, like connecting our aerial for the tv and getting the internet sorted... but I kinda like it just being us.

Everything in this house belongs to us. We can do whatever we like with it. I like that freedom. We have spent so much money on getting things looking good but it was worth it.

I didnt realise that I didnt express my joy to my husband. He thought I was as grumpy as before. Sounds stupid but I guess I forgot. He was so busy trying to sort everything out that I thought he was just stressed. I wanted to make the most of him being motivated to do things that I forgot to tell him how happy I felt. I just asked what he had to do and told him about other things that needed to be done instead of showing my excitement of being here.

I know this house won't solve everything going on in my head but its a start. It puts some distance between the people we love. So we can realign our emotions, thoughts and opinions. Look at it from a distance. Hopefully then we can also concentrate on our relationship.

The best part about all this is that I can worship my God without worrying about making someone else feel awkward. Or being interrupted, I can sing as loud as I want and not care who's watching! I can bawl on my lounge room floor without worring abt having to explain to someone whats wrong.

Thats what I call freedom. Maybe that was what was hurting the most. Neglecting my God because of embarrassment or making things awkward for someone else.

God take me back! Hold me as I openly worship you. You are all I need.

Brokeness

I was not looking forward to singing tonight at church. I can't pinpoint why but I just wasnt in the mood. My voice is not in the best shape, my body was being weird today and my mind was seriously not there.

So I get up there, when normally the cares of the day just get stripped, they didn't. They hung over me, I felt restricted. Not just in my mind but actually physically. I couldnt not make myself jump around. Normally I can just turn my head off and bounce around and sing and praise God but tonight there was something different going on. My body felt like a dead weight, my mind wouldnt focus and the crazy thing was that the spirit of God was there. He still moved and touched people. It wasnt like bad worship. It was just me. I tried to fight but it's like I had no strength left in me.

I was getting ready to leave because Dan didn't come to church and he was picking me up. When I ran into Shireen and Eloise. Shez asked me what was wrong and I just said I didnt want to talk about it. She wanted to know if there was anything she could do to help. I said no....

Well we talked and I skimmed over the details and got to the bit about not being able to worship and she said that I had been broken. After holding myself together when everything else was going wrong, one little thing just broke me. I really did break then. Silent tears, me realising the weight, the burden that I had been carrying. She said it was ok to be broken, because in that God is strongest. When we hold on, God can't move. It was then I felt the burden being taken off me.

There are some things we arent meant to carry. I can't carry my husband's God life, I can't carry my family's problems... I can't carry even my own issues. God places burdens on our heart to help others not to weigh us down, so when we are being weighed down to the point where we can barely breathe. Its not right. Cast your burdens upon him. That's what the WORD says.

Clearly I was not doing that. I was not talking to anyone because I didnt want to sound like a complaining annoying person who is always whinging about herself. So I didn't let anyone help me, I just thought it would fix itself. Well that was an epic fail. Within 15mins of talking to my Godly friends and praying with them, I felt their love towards me and their pain at seeing me struggle and really felt God's presence and love telling me that it would all be ok and that things will work out.

I was writing this morning at how I wanted to know someone so intensely, till I realised that the only person I should be wanting to know was God. I need to making the time to spend with him. Putting him even before my daughter and my husband. Even just for 10mins. I was also writing that I wanted to feel worthy. My friend said she saw God bursting with love for me, that when he sees my smile he jumps for joy. Literally jumps! That he loves me so intensely and gets excited just when he sees me.

Wow, that's crazy to think God. The creator of the universe gets so excited that he bursts and jumps just because he's seen me smile. He has given me HIS heart and I have given him mine. How beautiful and precious to know that God loves me so deeply. So intensely and he knows me inside out. It just makes me what to know everything about him.

Today I was a broken, burdened and constricted person. Tonight I have just been freed. Ps Gordon was preaching on freedom tonight. God put that into practice tonight. He placed people in my world for a reason. He made me EXACTLY the way I am for a reason. I live to serve him and only him. MY heart bursts with love for him.

God you will be glorified and praised for as long as there is breath in my lungs. Thank you for being everything I need.
"Christ is risen, in Christ I stand
Forever I praise you, the great I am
Christ is with us, Emanuel
Highest Hosanna, IT IS WELL"

To be hurt

When was the moment when I stopped caring what people thought. When I stopped avoiding people so I wouldn't get hurt. I'm sure I would try to avoid getting hurting but I didnt base my life around it.

I just don't get it... By saying that you don't want to get hurt seems rather selfish to me. Your not thinking about anyone else, just yourself.

If your goal in life is to avoid getting hurt then isnt that an impossible task? Not getting hurt isn't avoiding people, it's facing them and making a choice not to care. Making the choice to let it go and get on with your life.

We will all get hurt, thats inevitable but I would be choosing very carefully what I get hurt over. I still get upset about some really stupid things. But not everything. Otherwise I really would be a basket case!

Just thinking out loud here, I wanted to get straight in my head what the problem was. I think the point is, to live a life that is hurt free is impossible, so to choose to let go is a mature option. I guess when we've learnt to do that then we are on our way to gaining wisdom and maturity.

Maybe God allows situations to come our way so we have the choice to react. We choose to take offense or to let it go. We choose to be discouraged or to be open for learning. We are naturally selfish beings, it takes a lot of work to fight our natural instinct. But it can be done. How would we have found cures for disease if someone hadn't given up there life to help others. To put their own needs aside to care for others. Where would we be without the people that helped someone through, either physically or emotionally, an issue that could have been life or death if the decision was left up to them.

We are made to love, we can't live without loving. Which unfortunately brings hurt. We are all human. By expecting not to be hurt wouldn't that mean you would think that you are incapable of hurting someone else. Correct me if I'm wrong but by if you want to avoid being hurt that would mean you would be trying not to hurt others. By avoiding people, that would be hurting them wouldnt it?

I think I'm going around in circles here but I'm just trying to understand how this logic works, I see now that I don't think it makes sense.

Well I know that living in fear is not beneficial at all.

Escaped

To a land that is very familiar to me. Self doubt and fear creeping up on me.

I know what I want but I doubt that the reasoning is clear enough. Why should I, why shouldn't I? Going round in circles but stopping at the center. I can't pin point the why I should but can explain why I shouldn't. So does the practical side win out again?

Probably... always does.

There are a few issues here. Can't elaborate on them right now. My mind is too boggled. All I know is I am confused and torn and hurt and broken for now. It will get better, I will see clearer and I will get through this.

I will make a decision and be ready when it happens. I will see the future and know that God is with me.

My only wish is to be happy again, to feel safe, loved and confident again.

That's all I wish for...

Boxes

I've just had the biggest kick in the gut that I've had in a long time. Someone pointing out how wrong I've been. Doing the exact thing I hate others doing to me.

I got caught up a massive wave of emotions that took me on the ride of lifetime. With so much floating round my head lately, I found myself judging someone quite harshly. I have no right. I just fell way short of the life and love that God planned for me.

What a lesson to learn.

I wish I could say I could just turn it off. But being kicked really hurts. Ok so God isnt doing the kicking. I think its me. Who knew God could use the same person I'm judging to tell me that I'm judging.

I hate seeing people screw their life up, even if it looks like they are having fun. It will catch up eventually. Maybe its part jealously that I can't have that lifestyle. But if I was in that position I couldnt live that lifestyle. Its just not me. Maybe I wish it was me even just for a day. To enjoy myself and not think about the consequences. To just be free...

I know in God I am free but I feel like I'm in a box of things I can and can't do. I am in the same place I was a few posts ago when I said that I am resenting the freedom the people around me have. Must be why this bothers me so much.

So I will kick myself silly for a while until I learn how to deal with this, I do think I am judging too many people at the moment. This is free shot to anyone who wants to fling some of my own dirt back at me.

I know I don't do everything right. I just forgot what it felt like. I'm sorry for the people I've judged and hurt. I am paying for it now.

So many things...

Thoughts, emotions, feelings, hope, excitement, fear and wonder. So much to think feel and hope for today. Is it right? will it work? will it make life better, worse, harder, more joyful?

Do we take the challenge or hold off for a better time? Do we dream and hope, or just forget about it. So many things...

We are so close and motivated to finish painting and move. I can't wait yet we will have to adjust to a smaller space and all the possible renovations in the future. Will I feel cramped or right at home?

I guess we will find out

Fathers have a choice

They can choose not to get up. because they know their backup plan will always work. Mothers

I hate that they can just decided not to do anything and the mother will always pick up the slack.

Is it just because we have a bond with our children? That instinct that can't bare to hear them cry for one more minute? That if we won't do it then no one else would?

My husband said that he would get up EVERY morning and feed her... Well this morning isn't every morning... Saturday isnt every morning... Thursday morning isnt every morning...

I hear excuses... My back is sore... I'm really tired. Welcome to the real world, I have had lower back pain on and off since she was born. That doesn't stop me getting up! For the first 3 months of being a mother I got up every time she made a noise. Although she is a very good baby, she still got hungry, tired and just cranky and I HAD to get up to her. In the middle of the night, early morning, late at night...

Don't get me wrong the problem isnt her... The problem is that excuses from the father are not good enough. You have no choice now that you have a daughter the least you could do was stick to what you promised to do. Make that choice to be there and keep it! This pattern won't just magically stop when she's old enough to understand. She will know if you don't keep your promises. She will learn to give excuses...

I am not the type of person to 'make' you do things. I want you to be able to make the choice yourself and do it because you want to do it... not because you have to.

If you don't make the choice... Your daughter will know...

Empty

Thats the word I've been looking for all day... Empty. I know I'm doing stuff and have a completely full and rewarding life...

But today

I feel empty. Like there is something I should be doing... Something useful, creative and that brings joy to me and everyone else.

I don't know what that is. I feel like I'm doing all the right things but still feel unfulfilled.

I am still fighting off a sickness... The symptoms are still there but arent bothering me too much, I feel so tired but can't sleep. My eyes hurt and won't focus...

I'm not really looking forward to all the good things in my world... I haven't been excited about anything in a very long time.

I was thinking maybe I should have a go at writing novels again... I've always wanted to try painting...

I want to read a good book or 3... Been meaning to take a trip down to the library.

I wish I knew what to do. I just want to feel fresh, new and happy. Thats all. I don't think spending money on things to help will cut it. It comes from inner peace, which clearly I don't have right now.

I know not to place my hopes on the move making any difference to how I feel. It may make some difference but I don't want to be disappointed. I have no future goals. I am living for each day and moment and its just not working for me.

So for now, I will try and relax and get to sleep. That's the goal for now

Its 4.44am

I have no idea why I am up this early. In fact I have been awake for over an hour. Could it be that there is something playing on my mind. Well there are a few things going round my head.

I am considering giving up my position in one area of my life. I don't know if my reasons are the right ones though. I don't know if I should just push through or hand the reins over to someone who is better equipped.

Also I have addressed a rather touchy issue with someone very close to me. I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I wondered if by having it out in the open would help that person see what they are doing... Help propel them out of the situation they refuse to acknowledge. All I've gotten so far is excuses. Words of opinion shoved into my mouth. Paranoia and insecurities dumped on me. I will be fighting with this for months maybe even years. At least before there was kind of a wall to hide behind but now that part of it has been addressed, I am exposed. Part of my feelings about this is out to be under valued and the past ready to be brought up and thrown in my face... again.

Nothing about this feels right. I was waiting for the 'right moment' Well I don't think that was it. Too late now I guess. It could possibly end very badly...

Maybe it's about time all of this came out. Maybe God has a plan for this situation. But right now, at the stupid time of 4.55am I am out in the cold worrying about it.

Hopefully by the time I get into bed next to my warm husband... I will feel better. I just have to pray and wait for this to pan out and

hopefully...



God will have my back and make something amazing come out of this.

Maddison's Party

Its all over now. Maddison has turned one, she's had her party now we wait for all the milestones to happen over the next year. The biggest one will be walking.

The party had some setbacks but after raining for two days before hand, seeing the sun shining was the best present of all. I managed to ice and decorate the cake with help from my brother. It wasnt perfect but I figured she will never remember it and it was my first attempt. All in all I think it looked ok. Creative license I'd call it.
Maddison did not want to be held by anyone. She just wanted to crawl around the green stuff she barely sees. Only because where we are living there are 5 dogs out the back and cigarette butts out the front. So we don't take her out to play on the grass.

So between chasing her around plus making sure I've seen all the 30 odd guests that came, I think it went well. I will say I'm disappointed that some rsvp'd then didnt turn up and also people that left early. I know there were some good reasons but I was only asking for 2 hours out of an afternoon to celebrate a milestone. And some couldnt even manage that.

In saying that those who were there helped out. It was such a relief to have so many friends and family offering to help and sorting all the things out that I couldn't do by myself.

I think the day went well, Maddison enjoyed herslf. I think she's going to be a bookworm somehow cuz despite all the colourful toys she just kept grabbing the books, especially the ones that make noise.

A big thank you to all that came and celebrated with us. I hope you had a good time and continue to be a part of my daughters life. Like you have been in ours.

My Princess

Maddison Jade Rettke, born at 4.44pm this day last year. She was 2.9kg, 49cm long.


At 1 year old, she doesnt look a whole lot different to yesterday. She still has the most amazing smile, still super curious and loves to explore anything she's not meant to. Is so cuddly and knows how to get attention. She is my ray of sunshine.

To my beautiful daughter Maddison Jade,

The day you were born, the sun shone that little bit brighter. I carried you well for nine months, but you still insisted on coming out 9 days early. It took a long time for you to come out. But we managed. Although I was completely exhausted, the moment I heard you cry and you were put in my arms the tears fell fast. I didn't even know they were there. The joy in my heart in seeing you with ten fingers and ten toes. You were so tiny. But healthy.

I remember seeing your daddy hold you. You disappeared in his big arms. He even shed a tear for you. He put on your first nappy and jumpsuit. Four zeros looked so big on you.

When your Gong Gong (Grandpa) held you, I barely held back tears. Your Pou Pou (Grandma) said he had the same look on his face when he held me when I was born. It was such a special moment. Your Uncle's were a little scared to hold you but you could see how proud they were. Uncle Liam especially, always steals you.

I know your Grandma and Grandad were very happy to see you. Your Aunty Linda couldn't wait to hold you. She still picks you up every moment she gets.

Your extended family loves you very much but there is a special bunch of friends that love you too. Your Aunty Tam stayed with us for every moment. She has taken you for a few hours to a night to look after you while your dad and I had some time together. Also your adopted sister Lucy couldn't stop hugging and kissing you. She can't wait till your old enough to play with her. And your Aunty Sam's little girl Hannah loves playing with you too.

There are too many to mention here but you will get to know them more. They are the adopted families that love you and will be there for you as you grow up.

You have made such an impact on my life and your dad's life. We have changed because of you and we have a lot of wisdom and love to give you as you grow up. We love you more than anything. And we pray that God holds you in the palm of his hand for the rest of your life.

Love you forever sweetheart,

Love Mummy xx

Blessings

Early this morning I was awake after hearing my daughter wake up and my husband go to get her up for breakfast. I had a backache so I couldnt go back to sleep.

I was thinking...

I am blessed.

Not because of a backache but because I am blessed with an amazing immune system, If the only problems I suffer from are backaches (which are usually due to bad posture and picking Maddison up wrong) and a genetic eye problem. Then I truly am blessed. I should have caught Glandular Fever after my husband got sick... but I didn't. I only ever catch colds, some barely affect me, but most of the time I'm better after a week. I have never broken anything or been injured severely. I have had a few close calls but nothing really bad has happened to me.

I realise that God is really looking after me and this morning, he wanted me to see that, I Am Blessed.

I may not be living where I want to be living or have the job that I want to have or even have the husband I know that he could be. But I am blessed with amazing health even after a rough start when I was born. (thats another story)

I am blessed because I am strong in God, I have the best church family I could ever ask for. I have endurance and determination. I believe in those I love! A friend came over yesterday and she gave me a lot to think about. Nothing that hugely stands out, but just little things that matter. Which prompted me to ask Dan how he would like to bond with Maddison and when. He chose to do her morning feeds, every morning. And sure enough this morning, he followed through. Normally he would wait for me to get him up but this morning he just did it. That is commitment for him.

The little things matter. So I will speak the words that God has promised for me. That I can do all things through Him, that I am more than a conqueror. That I am created for a time such as this. I will succeed. I am a woman of strength and character. Also that I given a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.

Amen

I have been procrastinating.

How stupid is it to try and avoid the inevitable. Maddison WILL grow up and she IS going to turn one. Why is that so hard to accept? Where has the time gone? Why am I fearing the things that won't happen for a while yet?

I really hate it when people say, "then comes the terrible twos" and then "Just wait till she's a teenager" and "They grow up so fast and before you know they'll be leaving home."

Like seriously! That's not helping me. I thought I had been making the most of her being a baby, now when I hear that it just makes me feel like she will gone in minutes. And that's stupid because my focus has shifted to the fear of whats to come that I do actually miss just enjoying the time we have now. The time goes fast enough with having to listen to comments like that. Are those people just regretting the time they have missed out on? I feel sorry for them because I know that I have tried as hard as I could to spend as much time as possible with my daughter. I don't regret that for a second.

So I have been worrying about her turning one and trying to get a party sorted out that she won't even remember. Why is it such a big deal? I don't really know. I am having a big gathering so that it pleases everyone else.

At the end of the day, I would have been happy with Dan, Maddison and I to have a picnic in our own backyard. But then the family would have a big stink about it.

I would love to just be our own family one day.

wants more

but we don't deserve more. To get more you need to work hard. We cant sit around believing for more and getting upset we dont get it. We need to do more.

How depressing to know that we don't deserve anything

I'm not going crazy

I have been wondering lately why I was getting annoyed with every little thing my darling husband did or didnt do and I thought I was just sick of him. Till it was explained to me that I am constricted. As a mother of a nearly one year old that has a routine and day in day out I do almost the exact same thing. I dont have the freedom to decided when I do something. Instead I have a small window of opportunity to get what I need done.

I thought it was personal, that it was his fault. But instead I am looking at a man who works from home, that chooses to work, sleep, eat whenever he wants.
Bear with me while I get this down and hope it makes sense.

I am frustrated at looking at someone who represents freedom. When in my world I have such a limited amount it of. So its not Dan that I'm struggling with, its what he represents. Freedom. The one thing I don't have.

Apparently most mothers feel this lack when they have young children, but it makes it worse when its staring me in the face. So when I have to watch Dan choose to do what I've asked in his own time, its like rubbing salt in the wound. The fact that he decides how his day will go. I don't have that luxury. Some days I would like to just finish that chapter in a book, or spend a few more minutes in the shower... But I stop in the middle of everything to see to my little girl. I'm not resentful, its just frustrating seeing someone who chooses to wait a few more minutes and then forgets.

So there you have it. I'm not crazy, instead I'm a normal mother feeling the stress of not having a choice. I'm struggling to find balance between being with her and being a person apart from her. I want to be with her all the time but I also need to be me. I dont think I know who I am apart from her at the moment.

So its not Dan's fault that he represents freedom. He will just have to work out how to lessen the impact it has on me. While I have to start getting some ideas on how to just be me. Spending more time away than just 2 hours on a coffee date. I need something else to occupy my mind, apart from BABY! Any ideas? Feel free to share.

Is wondering...

when does happiness become a choice? We need to control or maybe overcome is a better word, our emotions. So when do we start making ourselves happy instead of relying on a feeling.

I am in a weird mood. Not unhappy but not happy either. I feel like there is something missing... like I've been left out of the loop but questioning was I in the loop to start with?

This is what happens when I spend too long at home. I did all the wifey, motherly things today. I did the washing, cleaned the house, did the grocery shopping (online) and looked after my daughter. So what more is there to my life right now... The occasional coffee, church and then that's it. I kinda want more to my life but not really.

Maybe I just need a holiday. Even a weekend away... just with my husband...

Phil Pringle Meditations

The mighty Phil Pringle wrote this post on James 1:23-25

'For if you listen to the word and don't obey, its like glancing at your face in the mirror. You see yourself, walk away and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.'

Ps Phil wrote that giant problems make us forget that we are giant slayers. We have authority in this life! Jesus went to asleep in the boat to remind his disciples that they had the authority to stop the storm. Don't be intimidated by your problems.

We will be blessed in what we do when we remember who we are according to the Word of God and act accordingly.

What an amazing word. I see how my problems escalate because I am intimidated by them. I need to stand on the word and the promises God gave. Its no good proclaiming to be a christian when I don't act on his word. It shows the world that I am no different to them, that I can't deal with things any better than they do.

We all have problems, but what makes us different is how we react to them. I love how people rejoice in their troubles because they have stood on their faith that God will see them through. Inwardly they may struggle but by their words and in their heart they believe they will overcome!

What an amazing day it will be when I can get my head around that. I physically understand how that works but I struggle to make it happen in the midst of trouble. I think that some physical change will make it all better. But it won't. Something else will come up and pull me down again. I am reminded how weak I am on my own. I can't do life without God. I have struggled long enough. God take over.

My battle is with my head, God take over my thoughts. I want to stop and hear you. Speak to me, through music or people. Through my thoughts. Break down my walls. Bring me to the place of vulnerability so I can lay my life and my heart at your feet. I still have so much to learn... About you, about myself. Teach me.

The reason that I can't actually quit singing (no matter how many times I threaten) is because it really puts my heart on the line. I know when my heart is not right. Either during practice when we pray or on stage when the words of a song hit me to the point of when a have to fight tears because I know my heart is not pure before God. When I hear the words. Not just singing the words but hearing the meaning. It just about floors me every time. I feel so vulnerable on stage. I'm bare before my king. I really can't hide anywhere on that stage.

I have a responsibility to bring his people into worship no matter where I'm standing on that stage. I hope they can see how bare my soul is. The rawness of my heart is clear. Sam Mac was right when she told me that I was made to worship. Whether I want to or not. Its where I am the most honest with myself. Its not about skill or ability or even natural talent, its where our heart is. He brings us to a point where we have to rely on him to do what he has called us to.

I am so speechless right now. This gives whoever is reading this, a massive insight to who I am. What makes me... me. I like being a bit of a mystery, a bit of a dark horse. But this is as deep as it gets. As clear as it gets. As extroverted as I get.

A step back

Ok so i jumped the gun in my last post. I'm not done. Just so very frustrated. If I was really to think about it, I have a good life. My husband adores me even if he doesn't show it. Even if he forgets about me and doesnt think about me before he plans things. I have the most amazing daughter. She is the happiest little girl ever.

I think I have a normal life with ups and downs like everyone else. So I shouldnt ever complain. I am blessed with an amazing church family who are there whenever I need them. Friends that take me out to dinner or coffee when I can't afford to. And that just be there for listening ear.

So if I was to stop being a glass half empty person and be more positive. I can't ask for more. I was having a really low few weeks. But I'll be back up and enjoying life soon. Hopefully getting our house painted as fast as we can so we can move back in!!

Can't wait to start our life together properly as a family. My desire is to find a place where I can call home.

God help us get there!

Final

You know what... I'm done.

I cant say anything to make you understand, I can't do anything or fight with you. I can't even express my anger, hurt or frustration. It means nothing. I want to leave, I want some time out and I just can't bear to have another discussion about this. I have realised that you dont really care.

Not all of it is your fault but I can't even stand to discuss my own problem anymore. Something has gone wrong and you can't even see it. Life is rosy to you. Well its not and if you didnt know that then it's not my fault, I tried to tell you.

If I was anyone else I would walk. But I can't, i have no where to go, so I guess I will suffer in silence. One day maybe things will change. I will hold out for that day.

But for now, today.

I'm done.

Breakthrough!

I've just worked out why I'm so angry/upset/frustrated. Thanks to Fatis Valour 'Hold me now'
'...find myself a place where I can feel home again...' That's what I'm missing. A home. I live in a house that feels cold, big, empty. It holds a childhood and memories that arent mine. I want to create new happy memories.. For us as a family. But I cant do that here.

I am so frustrated that nothing is being done about the house we own. Its just sitting there waiting for adjustments, waiting for a family to occupy it. We may have had some tough times in that house, but it was home. The only place I have felt like a family.

My heart longs for a place I can call my own, one that I chose and decorated and loved and brought my children up in. A place where they can feel privacy, love and safety. I know our house wasnt chosen by me but the next one will be. I will make it and call it our family home. It may just be a building but the heart in it will shine. I want it to shine our love for God, not frustration and pain and anger. Love peace and healing. A sanctuary where God can come and dwell. Where I can feel comfortable worshiping my God freely and openly.

That is my hearts desire.

Flooding

In professional terms, I am flooded with emotions. I would love nothing more then to spill them out here, in my own personal blog. But is that fair to the one I'm annoyed with? Not really, I need an outlet but it wont help really. As I've discovered before.

I am sick... A person who always claims to never get sick. If you know me well you know I'm lying but it is rare that I admit defeat. I carry on because the stuff I have to get done in a day in more important that a sickness. Like all mothers know, you cant take a day off from being a mum. I am exhausted. The effort of keeping up with my daughter and trying to be patient with my husband has worn me out.

I wish that I didnt have to fight so hard for him. I know what he is capable of, I cant see any hope of inspiration going his way tho. I am tired of being mad at him, talking to him, encouraging him. I love him with all my heart but I can't carry all three of us at the moment. Plus the 'neighbours'.

Ok so I'm not flooded anymore... I've just used the last of my energy. I will just ignore his constant need to play playstation, and excuse to not buy paint or do work. I again will ignore it and just pretend that all is good. Its what I do best.

Crazy weekend!

Havent been here for a while and lucky for me no one has noticed. Some days I love being in the background others not so much.

I have been busy being a bridesmaid for the first time at a 3 day Indian wedding. One word... CRAZY! Apart from just about everything going wrong back stage. We managed to pull off a pretty good appearance. I had no idea what was going on most of the time but kept getting told we look gorgeous in our saris so I couldnt complain. Minus a seriously drunk 19yr old trying to chat us up at the reception, everything went ok. I was just soo grateful that my husband was able to look after my daughter for the night.

I am also gearing up for another crazy weekend for woman's conference. Last night at rehearsal I was questioning why I was still singing. I dont feel valued at all in the music team at the moment. But I know it will take time for things to change since our leaders have departed. I had the best DNM with a girl I take to practices.. She is 19 and wise far beyond her age. She taught me a few things. Learned a few lessons herself. Guess we have to remember we can learn from anyone if we are willing.

While I have a long way to go, as long as I'm still moving and growing thats what really matters. I would die for my family and friends but live for God to bring people into his presents. That's why I use my gifts. Thats why I sing. My passion for God shows more when I sing. I know Im not awesome at it but its where my hearts is. If I were to give it up then I would be lost and depressed. So I will weather this storm of uncertainty and push through my doubts because I believe in a God that is fair and just and gives us the desires of our heart. THIS is my desire and I know God will equip me for what I must do to bring people into his house.

I will conquer ALL through Him who loves me.

Uh... random post I know but its where my thoughts went...

Emotions

So many floating around my head. I love deeply, I hurt even deeper and yet I still love. I get angry, I get tired and I cry. To not care feels like a good option but I know I would not want that. I need to get out! I need to live and enjoy what I a have.

I am appreciating my husband so much more now. We are agreeing on things, feeling the same things. We are finally feeling like a family. We may not be in our house yet, or cut the apron strings yet but our relationship has lifted. He backs me and I am backing him. One situation at a time. Every time we face something, he steps up a baby step to maturing and showing me how much he does care for me. There is a long way to go but I have realised that if I just give him a chance and an opportunity to step up he will take that challenge and surprise me.

As for being hurt. Well, I don't really know what to say. Thats a whole other ball game. I think I just need a new perspective. Right now though I wish I could just take her out and bash some sense into her. Not my place, I'm not the person to do that. I doubt I could ever understand her.

I just cant put into words how much I love God for being so patient with us. Cuz if it was me I would have given up a long time ago! Thank you God for being you. I ask that you deal with that situation cuz I have nothing left to give except anger. Thanks for remembering that I'm human!

Big Mouth

I've just discovered that I can be a real a bitch. There is so much that I hold back and don't say, but when I do, look out. Why do I hold back? Is it cuz I'm too nice, don't like confrontation, am too scared to hurt people? Maybe all or none of these things. Who knows. Sometimes I wish I just never opened my mouth.

Been a while

I'll start with the good news. I love that we are moving back into our house, that Maddison is growing up so well and that my darling husband is trying to help me a bit more.
I am sad that I have to give up breastfeeding and that we have no money and that I dont really want to go back to work but will have to.

I am frustrated that there are some people in the world that just use us and dont even know or care that they do. They just do whatever they want. And we just keep our mouths shut because we are too nice to say anything. I wish I really could just say what I felt to this person. But I reason that what would be the point? They won't listen, to them I have nothing of value to say anyway.

Part of the reason I cant wait to move. Then we dont have to watch this person stuff up their lives and hurt everyone around them. I wish I could just not care...

Stonewalls

I have them up. I dont see the point in talking somehow. Some days I love the mystery but they are lonely times where I wish I could let someone in. But when you do is it worth it? Do they understand? Does it really make you feel better. I am watching a moment with son and mother. Not willing to let go. Feeling like I'm intruding on something. Feeling like I don't really belong. Silently wishing I had that connection with my own family. Knowing I have to let go of any hope of that happening. Getting disappointed at every turn. Goodbye dream. I have to make my own now. Fumble through really hoping to get it right with my daughter.

I feel like I'm fighting for a lost cause, a common dream together we hold but the everyday moments are not there. So my walls are up. I am ok. I'm tired of talking and complaining. I am totally flooded by emotion I can't decipher. Some comfort coming from the word and from music. No effort is coming from who I really to be there.

So tired and drained. Just want something good to happen. Knowing I have to make it happen. Knowing how I feel is irrelevant and a waste of time. I will wait. Trust and stay hopeful so that in God's time I may be blessed. In the meantime vodka is a substitute.

The tough people

Do you know any people who can weather just about anything life throws at them? I am thinking about two. They still smile and laugh even when their world is falling apart.
I love knowing people like that. Its my inspiration to get over myself and keep fighting because one day I'll need to be that tough person. To hold together the people that are falling apart.

These two friends make me smile, they offer wisdom and support even in the midst of their heartache, they are there.

I pray for these people. That what they go through will being them out on top stronger and wiser than ever. That they help those around them who havent learnt how to stand strong. Like me.

Tam we love you. You are a everyday person with an extraordinary heart and huge capacity to love. A vicious bite to defend your beliefs and your family. I admire that you are not afraid to openly protect them.

Brad you make me smile and laugh at stupid things. Your health may be failing but your friendships are getting stronger. You have the heart of a lion, you are tough but so gentle when you need to be. I only pray that you will know God and be strengthened further in Him.

I love that God places certain people in our world to remind us that we are human and cant control some situations but we fight hard and be amazed at how how we come out on top. We get inspired to be better, to be stronger and to be more equipped to help others.

Thank you friends, you inspire me.

My night just made my whole day better

I love that when your having a bad day someone else is having a good day and they take the time to make you feel 100x better.

I love you Marta Preston you are so anointed and beautiful and just plain amazing!

The cloud in my head

I am feeling a little bit tired, a bit confused, a bit unsure, am lacking confidence and feeling useless.

There is no major problem no tip of the ice burg, no last straw just feeling lost.
I don't know where my relationships are at, no idea what's going on with our plans... just living from one day to the next, pay check to pay check. Helping people here and there but life doesn't really have to much meaning at the moment. Have too many questions. No answers. Just wondering where things will go from here. No firm thoughts, ideas, goals or anything.

I'm procrastinating, over thinking things, reading a little too deeply between the lines. I have no idea where I stand in life, in relationships or even as a mother.

I feel dull. Life just looks dull. Things changing around me and I can barely keep up. Decisions that need to be made keep floating around my head but I can't or won't make up my mind. I can't be being asked any questions right now. Because I just have no answers.

God is my answer but right now he is silent. I can only pray he removes the cloud from my head so I can see clearly again. So I can get excited and hold some firm hope. Right now I am clutching at straws to find hope.

there is no specifics...

just fog.

Best friends

Have you ever felt like you have best friends but have never been someone elses? I have always wanted to have that mutual friendship. One person to which you share your entire life with and they share theirs. A person who talks to you first and shares their sorrows, happiness and wisdom. The one person who holds your trust and shares your secrets.

I realised after thinking about this that God wants this for us. I don't need a best friend on earth when I have a God who in heaven promises this and so much more. I may not be anyone's best friend, but I have the best friend I can be 100% certain that will never let me down.

I know I'm not the best friend but I do know that I try to be honest and fair. I wont always get it right but I know that God loves me anyway and accepts me as I am. What more could I want?

I have learnt

Listening to other people and the problems they are facing have caused me to really think about what I'm saying to help them. Am I saying that I know how they feel when I dont, am I offering advice they dont want or am I just listening when they want confirmation or understanding? I never really know what to say, but I think first before talking about myself, I ask questions to try and find out what they want.

One thing I have learnt in all this is that you cant always 'fix' your circumstance, but its how you handle your thoughts and actions during that time that determines how much or how little you grow and learn.

My circumstances havent changed but I am no longer feeling helpless and angry. I am holding onto a dream and believing we will get there. If I focus on the circumstance I lose hope and feel lost, when I put all my energy in the future I feel hopeful, empowered and positive.

Now all I need to do is convince those around me to take on a new perspective and live in the power and grace of God to change the mindset of his people! Its a difficult goal but I know I must for those we love.

I have learnt so now I must teach.

Reading

I started reading over what I've written this year. Not a good idea. I cried. I remember the moments so clearly. My heart is still healing. I know those who read this may not get the full picture as I was quite vague. But I guess I expressed what I needed to say. I dont know if it helped. I almost wish I had just not said anything. That way I could never see it again, read it and feel that pain again.

Contemplating

How blessed it my life. I have a husband who loves me, the most beautiful daughter and a good family. I had a not so good past and few weak moments of late, but right now I understand how truly blessed I am.

My mind is stable, my emotions are controllable and I know whats right. Nothing will ever be perfect but I know I am strong and when I'm not I can lean on those who are.

Oh to be content with the love of God and those who love him.

It took a while

I finally feel normal... It only took 9mths!!

After a 30min session on my treadmill I realised that my body and mind are starting to function normally again. I am fitter than I feel and my mind is not screwing with me so much. I felt like it was never going to end and that I would do something drastic to make me better. I survived without drugs and without some extreme situation to realise that I would be ok... eventually.

My life hasnt come to an end just because I had a baby, in fact it has been enriched. It just took a while to notice that. I never knew I could worry and love so much at the same time. I never knew that I could be so calm and gentle with my daughter. Or just relaxed with her.

I've learned so much by having her, I know I wouldnt want to live life without her. I have grown in more ways than I ever knew possible. She is a bright shining light in a dark world. So innocent and dependent. I just keep praying that I dont screw this up.

So it took awhile to know the value in my life, the point and the joy. But I'm there and I love it. Its not perfect but I appreciate it.

Vision

This morning I read about an open door. Ps Phil Pringle has a blog that is basically him pulling apart a scripture. I read todays. One thing hit me. He wrote, 'Getting a vision from God is way more important than getting your own vision'

It sounds like a basic concept, but how many times have been so set on getting something and getting so annoyed when it doesnt happen and asking God why. Maybe its because its not his vision, its ours. I do believe that God gives us the desires of our heart. So what we want is from him but maybe its not this specific thing. Maybe its something else a bit further down the track...

I dont know when it will happen, I do think it will happen in His timing. I think I need to stop fighting for this specific thing and just focus on him and the blessings he is giving us in the meantime.

It will happen. I am learning to be patient and to really just trust him in what looks impossible.

Easter

God sacrificed so much. I can only forget my issues for one weekend to honour our King. Who gave up his life so we didnt have to.

Remember.. but also feel blessed to be loved by someone so great.

Stumbling

I am angry, I feel alone, there is too much in my head. I'm frustrated, I'm confused. No one can tell us what to do. We dont know what to do! I am so angry that I can't be calm and rational. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. Its not straight forward. I'm tired of making bad choices. God has gotten us out of a couple of bad decisions but we are paying for it now.

I hate that I dream big and have lots of drive but at the first hiccup I spiral out of control. I doubt if its for us, I wonder if we deserve it. I hate that I'm not stronger. I really believed God wanted us to have this. Now it just looks impossible. I know in my heart that God can do the impossible, I just wish my head would listen.

I wish that I could just be content with what we have. But I'm not content and havent been for ages. I just want to fight for it! I want to fight for us but I dont know how. And I'm just tired.

I'm trying so hard to trust God. But the obstacles that are coming up are just so big. I feel like I've been standing strong and fighting for ages..

I dont know what to do anymore. Hang in there everyone says. Its not helping. I have been hanging for a long time! Something good has to happen soon.

I dont feel strong, brave or anything else. I'm just stumbling through. I just hope that thats enough.

today

I'm tired. Of making the first move. Working to keep relationships going. Smoothing things over. Why do I keep fighting for what seems like a lost cause?

I dont think that I will stop fighting. Its what I do. I think I was made for it. But today. I am tired.

Dreams

I spent a long time early this morning thinking. Trying to decide my future... Two options... Did I come to a solution? no. I tried discussing it with my husband... He didnt have an answer, he felt the same way I did. So what do we do?

Today, we were productive. We spent only an hour out, sorting some things out. But it feels like so much has changed all of a sudden. Last night I felt confused and stressed. But today I feel different... I have hope... A term that gets thrown around too much. At the moment its a slight shimmer that I am holding onto because I have nothing else to hold onto.

I need this dream to come true... I think our marriage depends on it. My sanity depends on it. My daughter needs me to be loving, stable and sane. I cant be that without this dream... or without hope.

Everything depends on God to make this happen for us. Against odds. We are so inadequate, we cant live this dream on our own.

I have learnt that God doesnt make situations happen to us, he allows them so he can teach us something and turn bad into good. We make our choices good or bad but God can turn them into good when we turn to him. He will be there when everything falls. He will also be there when life is good. I have to recognise when things are bad that he is working on something in me.

I dont know why this situation happened and I dont know what I have learnt yet but I'm holding open the door into a better place. God please go before and us and prepare a path for us that we may be blessed. Amen

What to write..?

I hate when people ask me how my week was and I honestly can't remember what I did.... I don't know if anyone else has this problem but it seriously annoys me and confuses everyone else.

I'm a mum, who's still breastfeeding so my day is basically the same. I go out for coffee sometimes, or just hang round at home. I spend a stupid amount of time cleaning and then can't be bothered to cook. Unfortunately my husband hasnt learnt the art of cooking.

I could say my life seems pretty breezy but the battles I face arent with looking after my 8mth old. I battle my thoughts. My energy goes into keeping my head in a positively place, not over thinking things and working to be there for the important people in my life.

Somedays I struggle to be excited for the friends who have just bought a house because all I want is our own place. I get angry of stupid things and just want things to be different. Truth is I know I cant change my situation and I know its not going to be like this forever, I just wish I could see a glimpse of the other side.

I know I just have to be strong and hold on but some days are just soo much harder than others

Influence

Sleep...I wish I could have some but my mind is swimming with thoughts. About the people I care about and about myself. I know once I said I wish I didnt feel anything. I take that back. Its a blessing to be able to feel. Feeling and hurt means you care and love.

The theme for this month at church is influence. I realised that it means something to be influential. As a vocalist at church and at home, with friends and family. I was wondering what kind of influence am I being? Good or bad? What are the things that are holding me back from being everything I have been called to be? I know my thoughts, emotions and mentality is an area I struggle with. I need to be aligned with God's word. My headspace needs to be carefully monitored. As its the fastest way for me to lose the plot.

Esther was a gentle influencer, Jesus was bold, not compromising his belief or calling, and Barbabas was the encourager. He raised people up and encouraged them in their calling. These are great people of influence. I want to be able to have these qualities. To be strong, loving and encouraging.

We influence people whether we mean to or not. Is it good or bad? I know I want to be the 3 things I mentioned before. In every area of my life I want to be a good influence. Its a hard road but I really think I can do this. With the help of God, good friends and determination. I will make it. I will not be broken.

Someone said

How do you put up with them...
I dont know how to answer that. Because I dont know how I do. You just go through life, ignoring this and that, mentioning some things and letting most things go. It finally hits home when someone else notices that something is up. That their behaviour is not right. What do you say?

I love him. Words hurt... is this something else I let slide or do I mention it??
I just don't know.

Wow!

A simple gathering of mothers over coffee turned out to be a revelation and a feeling of belonging. Finally. For once I had a great day. I hung out with a friend and Maddison was happy, doing all the things she should be. Then I went out to meet some mothers from church.

They are amazing! We connected so well. I feel like I contributed to the conversation. I felt encouraged and strong! I feel like me again. We talked about everything from family and kids to Tv shows, and everything in between. We are praying for each other for specific things and just supporting. I just feel totally loved and cared for. Thank you God! you know all my needs!

I wonder

How far can we go to express ourselves? How much do we hold back? Should we talk more or less. Should we express or not. I'm rather confused to where this line is. I think we can choose what we say and how we say it. But how far can we go to feel better about ourselves before hurting someone else?

Is it better to not say anything and deal with it quietly? Or tell the whole world and reap the repercussions. Are we really that strong that we can say what we like and not being affected by the people we offend? When I say people I dont mean strangers. I mean the people we love.

I do believe that we have the choice to speak up. To say what we feel. But is the key how we say it? When? Or what? Who decides? The receiver the speaker and the reader?

Should we let it go or confront?

I'm not good at talking. I can explain better when I write but I consider the audience that is reading. So I dont always say what I'm feeling. But words can be misunderstood when written. So I choose to say nothing. Does this make it harder to deal with things... yes. So I guess this is my battle. Right or wrong I don't know but I this is just how it is.

Life's trials

Life's trials are so short compared to how far we've come and how much we've grown. Where would we be without the tests of relationships and circumstances.

We are pressed on every side but not crushed, we are perplexed but not in despair, We are hunted but not abandoned, we get knocked down but not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. 2 Cor 4:8

We can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials for we know that they help us develop endurance. and endurance develops strength of character and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. This hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Rom 5:3

The promises of God are just amazing. I feel like I have been freed from the darkness that had surrounded my life. It takes a heartbreaking scream... or cry that allows you to give your heart back to the creator. To admit that u cant do it alone. That circumstances dont define who you are. That there is hope even when you cant see it. Just to hear him, feel him and know that you know that he hasnt abandoned you.

Many times have a cried in despair but have taken back what I gave to him. I cant take it back this time, it is too big. I need him to take it and use it to teach me. I admit defeat, I will lay down my life for it is worth nothing without him in it.

The turning point, seems so negative but in fact it has taken me back to where I was in the past and I remembered why I was there and how I never want to feel like that again. It hurt so much at the time but without that memory I would never be where I am today.

This never would have happened it I hadnt neglected my best friend and hurt her deeply. But through her pain and mine, I have just renewed something in my world that I have been fighting so hard for. God allows these things to happen to teach us. A bit intense and dramatic maybe but sometimes its necessary for us to sit up and take notice.

I wont regret what happened as God has turned it into good as he promised but I thank you for being so honest and open to let me see how you feel and helping me wake up and start fighting again and seeing what is good in my world. I dont think you fully understand what has happened here tonight. But I hope in time that I can explain. I love you. God loves you.

Where was God?

I found him... He was always there. But yesterday morning I really felt him. He told me not to worry because it didnt matter who turned up that he would be there for my little girl. But Mum did come. It means more than I can say. I stressed for weeks about what if she didnt come. I came to a place to accept that the dream wont happen. I wont have the mother I wanted, she wont be the grandma I had hoped for. I learnt that I'm allowed to grieve for that loss. By letting myself cry will allow me to get over it. Why has it taken so long to realise this. She is still my mum and I love her too much to not have some sort of relationship with her. But I can accept that she wont always be there when I need her. But I will be so grateful when she is there. On my way home from church that morning I couldnt stop smiling. I found the joy and happiness and freedom I have been searching for! I was so happy. I couldnt think a rational thought and it was great!! God just completely froze my head and just for a while it was amazing! I wish I could of kept that feeling a little bit longer.

At church last night was so emotional. I was struggling to hold myself together enough to sing. I could feel his presence and anointing so strong and seeing my whole family, my Grandma as well at church. It was just... beautiful. I cant explain how that felt.

After the service was over... well that was different. I was drained and my heart was aching. There was nothing more I could of done right then. but it wouldnt go away. When I got home I couldnt sleep, neither could Maddison. I couldnt turn my mind off. I woke up this morning, Im calmer but still aching. Funny, over smaller things I might have had a drink last night, but I couldnt. I just couldnt bring myself even for just one. I prayed and read and cried and nothing was helping, I tried to shut it out but It just wouldnt go away. I was just beating myself up.

Now... I dont know how I am. I look at Maddison and I smile. She is my sunshine. Thats all that matters. Dan has barely been here but I think I needed some time alone.

Who knows what will happen, just wait and see. Let God do what he can and just try and bare it. I've missed God. I've missed spending moments with him. The way I connect with him has changed but he hasnt. He's still hugging me and loving me through every mistake I've made. He still loves and forgives me. You cant get any better than that! You couldnt ask for a better friend.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry, we havent been there, I'm sorry ur angry, I'm sorry we can't help. I dont know what to do or say. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing, so I havent gone to see you. I'm angry that I havent. I don't want to talk about me. But I dont know if you want to talk to me abt you. I feel pathetic and useless.

I'm so so sorry...

we change

into what? It is better or worse? When our situation changes the people we hang around change. Sometimes i dont like that. I dont want to lose the friends I have. But how do u get back there. How do u help them. How do u feel needed again. But on the other hand u dont want to go back there because you were a needy friend and people dont like friends like that cuz after a while it gets too hard and they are glad that you are gone.

I just want to feel valued again. To feel like I've imparted something into someone elses world. But for now, I choose to stay away until I have my stuff sorted out. Then I may be use to someone. When Im not thinking of me anymore. When maybe in some small way I can help.

Finally things are looking up

I went to see a counselor yesterday after a mini breakdown recently. The session I had was an assessment of where I was at. But i walked out of there feeling 10 times better. We hadnt sorted anything out, I just realised that I wasnt going crazy. That was a huge relief. I still have to go see my doctor again but I think we can finally start working through things a little more rationally.

I know all my posts lately have been all over the place. But my mind and emotions have been all over the place. Believe it or not I hate where I have been. I hate that I feel this way. I just needed to talk to the right people to help me sort it out. I feel I have no right to behave the way I did. Or that I had the right to feel the way I do, but who's going to tell me it was wrong?

My head is still mush for the time being but it will be worked out. It'll take a while but if I continue with counseling then I'm pretty sure I will get back on the right track. Thanks to the amazing people that see me so differently to how i see myself. Thanks to those who have supported me. I hate relying on other people but without them I would still be losing my head.

Not true

I can't even be true in my blog. Im supposed to be honest and write what I'm feeling here but I still cant...

Been a while

but I think I should say that I'm fine. Had a lovely holiday relaxing and I think Maddison really enjoyed herself. She's growing up so quickly. I just love her so much. I really think she is the light in my world. So yes... I'm fine

Maybe I'm just out of my mind

Is anybody here i know, cuz nothings going right and everything's a mess and no one likes to be alone.

Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new, I dont know who you are but I'm with you.

Great

Yep I said it. Life is great. Just fantastic. I have just about everything a girl could want. No complaining anymore. I'm just great.

where have I gone?

I just realised I'm full of it! I say one thing but mean another. My true self have been coming out lately and I hate her. I really do just hate her. Where has my self control gone?? I dont deserve what I have, I don't appreciate it enough. I have seen all the bad stuff and now I can't see the good. I have a friend who through everything she has dealt with is stronger than me. I should be supporting her but instead I'm feeling guilty, angry and blaming all the wrong things. I'm questioning everything. I falter at hard situations even though they are not happening to me. My doctor might think that there isnt anything wrong with me but I know there is. There may not be a name for it but something is not right. Where is the happy, fun, joyful person gone. I miss her. People used to always know when something was wrong because they would always see me smiling and when I wasnt, it wasnt normal.

I just want me back.

The worst news possible

I can't believe it. A life is lost, just like that. After so many months fighting, it's all over. We prayed so hard for this. We dared to stay positive. I was so sure she would make it. Its almost as if it actually happened to me. It didnt. But it feels like it did. I didnt think I could feel so strongly abt this. I feel cheated. But I have no right. No right at all to be so upset. It wasnt my baby. How can this family be expected to bounce back. I can't even see the positive in this. Where was God? Why did he leave a family to suffer more than they have already suffered. Its not fair. I was born too early, yet I survived. How can that be with all the technology now, they couldnt save a baby. Yet my life was spared nearly 24 years ago. I was a miracle yet I didnt deserve to be. Why couldnt this baby live?

Today I thought I was turning into a horrible person. My behaviour and attitude has been unacceptable to certain people. I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed for the worst. My outlook on life is no longer positive. If I was in a black hole before, its just gotten darker in the unfairness of life. My beliefs have hit an all time low. Where has my strong will gone? Vanished.

I hope I can stay strong to support those who really need it. If I can do it for them, then maybe I'm still ok. Maybe...

Christmas and the New Year

Well Christmas was surprisingly painless. Maddison really loved playing with the wrapping and I think we all enjoyed ourselves. The new year party we had just finished a little while ago. It was great fun. Had a night out on the town, which was something I havent done in a while. It was really good, but kinda bad at the same time. I didnt get depressed drinking like I usually do... Which was good but the thing I am avoiding thinking abt is not going away. On the outside I'm fine, I look, act and do everything normally, I mean I can still crack jokes and laugh like normal. But inside is churning... I can't shake this feeling of loss or sadness. I just don't feel right. I need to put my finger on it... I need to know the cause. But I can't! its just not normal. Life is a blur... no one has a clue whats going on. Not like they would care anyway... I feel like hiding away. Just disappearing for a while. I wish I could. I'm sure no one would notice...