My Princess

Maddison Jade Rettke, born at 4.44pm this day last year. She was 2.9kg, 49cm long.


At 1 year old, she doesnt look a whole lot different to yesterday. She still has the most amazing smile, still super curious and loves to explore anything she's not meant to. Is so cuddly and knows how to get attention. She is my ray of sunshine.

To my beautiful daughter Maddison Jade,

The day you were born, the sun shone that little bit brighter. I carried you well for nine months, but you still insisted on coming out 9 days early. It took a long time for you to come out. But we managed. Although I was completely exhausted, the moment I heard you cry and you were put in my arms the tears fell fast. I didn't even know they were there. The joy in my heart in seeing you with ten fingers and ten toes. You were so tiny. But healthy.

I remember seeing your daddy hold you. You disappeared in his big arms. He even shed a tear for you. He put on your first nappy and jumpsuit. Four zeros looked so big on you.

When your Gong Gong (Grandpa) held you, I barely held back tears. Your Pou Pou (Grandma) said he had the same look on his face when he held me when I was born. It was such a special moment. Your Uncle's were a little scared to hold you but you could see how proud they were. Uncle Liam especially, always steals you.

I know your Grandma and Grandad were very happy to see you. Your Aunty Linda couldn't wait to hold you. She still picks you up every moment she gets.

Your extended family loves you very much but there is a special bunch of friends that love you too. Your Aunty Tam stayed with us for every moment. She has taken you for a few hours to a night to look after you while your dad and I had some time together. Also your adopted sister Lucy couldn't stop hugging and kissing you. She can't wait till your old enough to play with her. And your Aunty Sam's little girl Hannah loves playing with you too.

There are too many to mention here but you will get to know them more. They are the adopted families that love you and will be there for you as you grow up.

You have made such an impact on my life and your dad's life. We have changed because of you and we have a lot of wisdom and love to give you as you grow up. We love you more than anything. And we pray that God holds you in the palm of his hand for the rest of your life.

Love you forever sweetheart,

Love Mummy xx

Blessings

Early this morning I was awake after hearing my daughter wake up and my husband go to get her up for breakfast. I had a backache so I couldnt go back to sleep.

I was thinking...

I am blessed.

Not because of a backache but because I am blessed with an amazing immune system, If the only problems I suffer from are backaches (which are usually due to bad posture and picking Maddison up wrong) and a genetic eye problem. Then I truly am blessed. I should have caught Glandular Fever after my husband got sick... but I didn't. I only ever catch colds, some barely affect me, but most of the time I'm better after a week. I have never broken anything or been injured severely. I have had a few close calls but nothing really bad has happened to me.

I realise that God is really looking after me and this morning, he wanted me to see that, I Am Blessed.

I may not be living where I want to be living or have the job that I want to have or even have the husband I know that he could be. But I am blessed with amazing health even after a rough start when I was born. (thats another story)

I am blessed because I am strong in God, I have the best church family I could ever ask for. I have endurance and determination. I believe in those I love! A friend came over yesterday and she gave me a lot to think about. Nothing that hugely stands out, but just little things that matter. Which prompted me to ask Dan how he would like to bond with Maddison and when. He chose to do her morning feeds, every morning. And sure enough this morning, he followed through. Normally he would wait for me to get him up but this morning he just did it. That is commitment for him.

The little things matter. So I will speak the words that God has promised for me. That I can do all things through Him, that I am more than a conqueror. That I am created for a time such as this. I will succeed. I am a woman of strength and character. Also that I given a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.

Amen

I have been procrastinating.

How stupid is it to try and avoid the inevitable. Maddison WILL grow up and she IS going to turn one. Why is that so hard to accept? Where has the time gone? Why am I fearing the things that won't happen for a while yet?

I really hate it when people say, "then comes the terrible twos" and then "Just wait till she's a teenager" and "They grow up so fast and before you know they'll be leaving home."

Like seriously! That's not helping me. I thought I had been making the most of her being a baby, now when I hear that it just makes me feel like she will gone in minutes. And that's stupid because my focus has shifted to the fear of whats to come that I do actually miss just enjoying the time we have now. The time goes fast enough with having to listen to comments like that. Are those people just regretting the time they have missed out on? I feel sorry for them because I know that I have tried as hard as I could to spend as much time as possible with my daughter. I don't regret that for a second.

So I have been worrying about her turning one and trying to get a party sorted out that she won't even remember. Why is it such a big deal? I don't really know. I am having a big gathering so that it pleases everyone else.

At the end of the day, I would have been happy with Dan, Maddison and I to have a picnic in our own backyard. But then the family would have a big stink about it.

I would love to just be our own family one day.

wants more

but we don't deserve more. To get more you need to work hard. We cant sit around believing for more and getting upset we dont get it. We need to do more.

How depressing to know that we don't deserve anything

I'm not going crazy

I have been wondering lately why I was getting annoyed with every little thing my darling husband did or didnt do and I thought I was just sick of him. Till it was explained to me that I am constricted. As a mother of a nearly one year old that has a routine and day in day out I do almost the exact same thing. I dont have the freedom to decided when I do something. Instead I have a small window of opportunity to get what I need done.

I thought it was personal, that it was his fault. But instead I am looking at a man who works from home, that chooses to work, sleep, eat whenever he wants.
Bear with me while I get this down and hope it makes sense.

I am frustrated at looking at someone who represents freedom. When in my world I have such a limited amount it of. So its not Dan that I'm struggling with, its what he represents. Freedom. The one thing I don't have.

Apparently most mothers feel this lack when they have young children, but it makes it worse when its staring me in the face. So when I have to watch Dan choose to do what I've asked in his own time, its like rubbing salt in the wound. The fact that he decides how his day will go. I don't have that luxury. Some days I would like to just finish that chapter in a book, or spend a few more minutes in the shower... But I stop in the middle of everything to see to my little girl. I'm not resentful, its just frustrating seeing someone who chooses to wait a few more minutes and then forgets.

So there you have it. I'm not crazy, instead I'm a normal mother feeling the stress of not having a choice. I'm struggling to find balance between being with her and being a person apart from her. I want to be with her all the time but I also need to be me. I dont think I know who I am apart from her at the moment.

So its not Dan's fault that he represents freedom. He will just have to work out how to lessen the impact it has on me. While I have to start getting some ideas on how to just be me. Spending more time away than just 2 hours on a coffee date. I need something else to occupy my mind, apart from BABY! Any ideas? Feel free to share.

Is wondering...

when does happiness become a choice? We need to control or maybe overcome is a better word, our emotions. So when do we start making ourselves happy instead of relying on a feeling.

I am in a weird mood. Not unhappy but not happy either. I feel like there is something missing... like I've been left out of the loop but questioning was I in the loop to start with?

This is what happens when I spend too long at home. I did all the wifey, motherly things today. I did the washing, cleaned the house, did the grocery shopping (online) and looked after my daughter. So what more is there to my life right now... The occasional coffee, church and then that's it. I kinda want more to my life but not really.

Maybe I just need a holiday. Even a weekend away... just with my husband...

Phil Pringle Meditations

The mighty Phil Pringle wrote this post on James 1:23-25

'For if you listen to the word and don't obey, its like glancing at your face in the mirror. You see yourself, walk away and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.'

Ps Phil wrote that giant problems make us forget that we are giant slayers. We have authority in this life! Jesus went to asleep in the boat to remind his disciples that they had the authority to stop the storm. Don't be intimidated by your problems.

We will be blessed in what we do when we remember who we are according to the Word of God and act accordingly.

What an amazing word. I see how my problems escalate because I am intimidated by them. I need to stand on the word and the promises God gave. Its no good proclaiming to be a christian when I don't act on his word. It shows the world that I am no different to them, that I can't deal with things any better than they do.

We all have problems, but what makes us different is how we react to them. I love how people rejoice in their troubles because they have stood on their faith that God will see them through. Inwardly they may struggle but by their words and in their heart they believe they will overcome!

What an amazing day it will be when I can get my head around that. I physically understand how that works but I struggle to make it happen in the midst of trouble. I think that some physical change will make it all better. But it won't. Something else will come up and pull me down again. I am reminded how weak I am on my own. I can't do life without God. I have struggled long enough. God take over.

My battle is with my head, God take over my thoughts. I want to stop and hear you. Speak to me, through music or people. Through my thoughts. Break down my walls. Bring me to the place of vulnerability so I can lay my life and my heart at your feet. I still have so much to learn... About you, about myself. Teach me.

The reason that I can't actually quit singing (no matter how many times I threaten) is because it really puts my heart on the line. I know when my heart is not right. Either during practice when we pray or on stage when the words of a song hit me to the point of when a have to fight tears because I know my heart is not pure before God. When I hear the words. Not just singing the words but hearing the meaning. It just about floors me every time. I feel so vulnerable on stage. I'm bare before my king. I really can't hide anywhere on that stage.

I have a responsibility to bring his people into worship no matter where I'm standing on that stage. I hope they can see how bare my soul is. The rawness of my heart is clear. Sam Mac was right when she told me that I was made to worship. Whether I want to or not. Its where I am the most honest with myself. Its not about skill or ability or even natural talent, its where our heart is. He brings us to a point where we have to rely on him to do what he has called us to.

I am so speechless right now. This gives whoever is reading this, a massive insight to who I am. What makes me... me. I like being a bit of a mystery, a bit of a dark horse. But this is as deep as it gets. As clear as it gets. As extroverted as I get.

A step back

Ok so i jumped the gun in my last post. I'm not done. Just so very frustrated. If I was really to think about it, I have a good life. My husband adores me even if he doesn't show it. Even if he forgets about me and doesnt think about me before he plans things. I have the most amazing daughter. She is the happiest little girl ever.

I think I have a normal life with ups and downs like everyone else. So I shouldnt ever complain. I am blessed with an amazing church family who are there whenever I need them. Friends that take me out to dinner or coffee when I can't afford to. And that just be there for listening ear.

So if I was to stop being a glass half empty person and be more positive. I can't ask for more. I was having a really low few weeks. But I'll be back up and enjoying life soon. Hopefully getting our house painted as fast as we can so we can move back in!!

Can't wait to start our life together properly as a family. My desire is to find a place where I can call home.

God help us get there!

Final

You know what... I'm done.

I cant say anything to make you understand, I can't do anything or fight with you. I can't even express my anger, hurt or frustration. It means nothing. I want to leave, I want some time out and I just can't bear to have another discussion about this. I have realised that you dont really care.

Not all of it is your fault but I can't even stand to discuss my own problem anymore. Something has gone wrong and you can't even see it. Life is rosy to you. Well its not and if you didnt know that then it's not my fault, I tried to tell you.

If I was anyone else I would walk. But I can't, i have no where to go, so I guess I will suffer in silence. One day maybe things will change. I will hold out for that day.

But for now, today.

I'm done.

Breakthrough!

I've just worked out why I'm so angry/upset/frustrated. Thanks to Fatis Valour 'Hold me now'
'...find myself a place where I can feel home again...' That's what I'm missing. A home. I live in a house that feels cold, big, empty. It holds a childhood and memories that arent mine. I want to create new happy memories.. For us as a family. But I cant do that here.

I am so frustrated that nothing is being done about the house we own. Its just sitting there waiting for adjustments, waiting for a family to occupy it. We may have had some tough times in that house, but it was home. The only place I have felt like a family.

My heart longs for a place I can call my own, one that I chose and decorated and loved and brought my children up in. A place where they can feel privacy, love and safety. I know our house wasnt chosen by me but the next one will be. I will make it and call it our family home. It may just be a building but the heart in it will shine. I want it to shine our love for God, not frustration and pain and anger. Love peace and healing. A sanctuary where God can come and dwell. Where I can feel comfortable worshiping my God freely and openly.

That is my hearts desire.

Flooding

In professional terms, I am flooded with emotions. I would love nothing more then to spill them out here, in my own personal blog. But is that fair to the one I'm annoyed with? Not really, I need an outlet but it wont help really. As I've discovered before.

I am sick... A person who always claims to never get sick. If you know me well you know I'm lying but it is rare that I admit defeat. I carry on because the stuff I have to get done in a day in more important that a sickness. Like all mothers know, you cant take a day off from being a mum. I am exhausted. The effort of keeping up with my daughter and trying to be patient with my husband has worn me out.

I wish that I didnt have to fight so hard for him. I know what he is capable of, I cant see any hope of inspiration going his way tho. I am tired of being mad at him, talking to him, encouraging him. I love him with all my heart but I can't carry all three of us at the moment. Plus the 'neighbours'.

Ok so I'm not flooded anymore... I've just used the last of my energy. I will just ignore his constant need to play playstation, and excuse to not buy paint or do work. I again will ignore it and just pretend that all is good. Its what I do best.