Who am I?

Was I really there?
Did I imagine it?
Made it out worse than it really was?
Did I exaggerate?
In the time when everything seemed warped.

Life felt hard... was it really or was it because I perceived it to be?
In a different light, would life have been different?
Would I have coped better?

I wonder sometimes. Did I make it up because I was a drama queen? Or was it real.
I brush it off now because I think it wasn't that bad... But was it? Do I have cause to be damaged or an I overreacting?

Time wasted on working out who I am... what I think, how I have changed, if I have changed. Am I better or am I slipping? Is life really ok now...

I ask you again... who am I really?

Am I as strong as you perceive? Does it look like I have everything under control?
Do I look like a reasonable person?

I feel like things are spinning out of control. What scares me most is that I have two little girls relying on me. I can't fail. I refuse to fail when I feel like I was failed... Sure I was loved... I am still loved but it won't cover the scars.

It's like it never happened... that's why I don't know if it was that bad. Things feel worse when your young. I can't step foot in that house without feeling some pain... or just memories... yet I can walk in and pretend that nothing happened and that it's all ok... I guess maybe it is all ok. The feeling has dulled slightly. It is a bit blurry... so maybe it didn't happen at all.

I know my mind plays tricks on me sometimes. I just wish I could stay focused on the now. See what I am now and improve on that instead of remembering what I was. Wish it was that easy...

Why am I so negative about things. It makes life so much harder for us! I thought I already learned that lesson. Guess not...

Feels like a big step backwards.

So whoever reads this... I really want to know... Who am I?

For those who read this... Please comment. I need help!

From about October to mid November I start getting excited about Christmas. I think of how great it will be for my 2 girls and what fun we will have creating our own traditions. Then in the month before it I start getting stressed. Not about the usual things... About whether our family will be ok with our choices of how we want to spend Christmas and who we want to spend it with... Every year since we have been married we have argued and stressed about this. FIVE YEARS... I won't even go into the years before that... Lets just say I dreaded Christmas.

It all sounds pretty basic that we should be strong, have our Christmas how we want it and just let our families know how we want it and that should be that.

I wish...

I thought I was the one with strong will, well my husband outranks me! He has stood firmer than I ever knew he would against his own family for the sake of ours... I am proud. Me, on the other hand, have been soo stressed that I would rather give in and make everyone else happy for the sake of avoiding ruining someone else's Christmas rather than fighting for the rights to my own happiness. At first I was angry but now I just want to feel some peace and to stop thinking, second guessing my decision and just feeling hopeless!

We tried to compromise but it still wasn't good enough. I don't know why it is soo damn hard to accept the fact that we would like to spend Christmas day by ourselves without anyone 'dropping in, quickly' We will attend the church service on Christmas day and invited both sets of parents along to see us on the day but then go our separate ways but that wasn't good enough!

I don't want to give in but I am so tired of thinking about this and watching it unfold each day with more comments, frustrations and arguments. I feel bad as it is I don't want to cop anymore before we get to the day...

I just want a happy day for my girls. Just for one year I would like to look forward to it and be completely satisfied that it will go well. And just stress about normal things like if our kids will like the presents we give them and generally enjoy the day.

I want to be able to make a decision without feeling guilty if someone else doesn't like it! I want to feel like I am an adult, a mother, a reasonable person and even a nice person. I thought I deserved respect, tolerance and acceptance...

Apparently not.