Shooters

She hears gun shots, sighs and goes to collects her 17 month old from her cot. Puts her down in the toy room to play. She takes her 3 year old away from the tv where her husband and housemate are playing play station. All rules and expectations have gone out the window. She shakes her head in disgust that although they are on holidays she is not. For them watching the kids means telling them to go and play while they watch a movie or playing on the Sony. Each day it's like looking after an extra child... In fact the 'big kids' are more work than the actual kids. The 'big kids' ignore her suggestions and requests and do things when they want or not at all... So frustration mounts and temper is barely kept intact for this housewife. Counting down the days until the holidays are over. There is no family days or special events... Just the repeated promises broken again and again... She sits alone, wondering if its worth talking about, asking for more consideration... Then shakes her head... No probably not. The day drags on and she prays that tomorrow will be different.

Christmas

The season is coming, it's nearly Christmas. With presents still to buy and wrap, food to prepare and parties to attend for once this mother is excited about Christmas. After years of dreading the season and praying that things wouldn't be too crazy and she wouldn't upset anyone, this year feels different. She decided not to care about what family thinks she is going to make the most of this season with her daughters and husband because at the end of the day that's all that matters. No one can take away her dreams or her precious moments. She sees her family and future as being full of opportunity and hope. The doors that may open are yet to be seen but in the new year she step out her door and walk through one that will challenge her... Excitement builds as the year comes to an end. With that in mind she sips her wine and leans back her chair. And for once she feels as though all will be ok.

A story

A woman sits at her kitchen table, coffee in hand and stares into space. Planning meals for the next week, shopping to be done and what events are happening this month. Her life is defined by her children's needs. Her time is divided between her husband, children and friends. What little time for herself is often interrupted by little voices of her children. Her heart knows that she needs time to be herself outside of home but can't find the time, money or boldness to do it. Her belief in herself is limited. The activities she participates in are minimal to what her heart desires. Her mind entertains the idea of greatness but in reality it a far way away. Then as the voices of her children interrupt her, her mundane life continues once again. To be continued...

Seventh Day Slumber

I love this band, they have the most relevant lyrics and beautiful sound. The songs just keep hitting home for me. They express how I feel. This is there new song lyrics.

"One Mistake"

Can I hear Your voice?
'Cause I feel so far away
And You've always known exactly what to say
But tonight, I've really crossed the line
I've let You down, but You never said goodbye
And I know You'll be here tomorrow
When everyone else has come and gone

I want to run, I want to hide
Wish I could disappear tonight
'Cause I feel like I'm just one mistake away
And I know You'll never leave
But it's so hard to believe
When I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me today

How I've tried to keep this fire alive
Holding onto You, the one that I desire
And I know that I'm the one to blame
Wish I was stronger, but I'm growing every day
And I know You'll be here tomorrow
When everyone else has come and gone

I want to run, I want to hide
Wish I could disappear tonight
'Cause I feel like I'm just one mistake away
And I know You'll never leave
But it's so hard to believe
When I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me today

When I fall You run to hold me
You wrap Your arms around me
And You calm all my fears
You're not leaving me here
I'm not too far away
Still covered by Your grace
And You came to take away my shame
I'm not one mistake away

But I run and I hide
I'm still fighting with this lie
That tells me I'm just one mistake away
And Jesus, I know You'll never leave
Sometimes I get so sick of me
That I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me today

A different view

Ok so maybe venting isn't why I'm here... Clearly I suck at it anyway. So here was my weekend,

I cleaned and packed to go away for the weekend. Without the kids.
Sounds like a normal thing to do... Not when I haven't spent more than a couple of hours away from my 9 month old and barely more than a night away from my nearly 3 year old.

At first it was great... freedom, quiet time with husband. We could go anywhere, do whatever we decided to do without taking an hour to get things ready to leave...

But last night, my mother in law called to say Maddison wanted to talk to me. I hear a very soft 'Hello Mummy' on the phone. She sounded so sad that I wanted to jump in the car right then and there to go home and cuddle her. I barely slept last night because all I could think of was how I wanted to see my girls, kiss them, tuck them into bed at night and just be there for them.

For the entire weekend Sarah wouldn't touch her solids apart from a couple of mouthfuls which apparently were a struggle. The lunch I gave her when we got back, she scoffed down no worries.

It makes me never want to leave but then I know I would go completely crazy. As much as I love being free to be me they are definitely a part of who I am now.

It didn't take long for life to fall back into the groove of how it was which makes me wonder why we even bothered to go away in the first place. I'm sure I will see the subtle changes as the weeks go on but right now, it's late and I have been awake since 5am.. So I bid u all a good night.

I was here...

I set this up to vent... I'm not very good at it. In fact I'm terrible.
What purpose would it serve to put my mind in print. For starters I don't believe it would even make sense. My head goes all over the place. Plus, no one wants to know whats going on in my head and if they did I doubt I would be able to tell them.

I am just like everyone else. I have problems and a past. I have a husband and kids. I have a messy household and life. What purpose would it serve to write about this when everyone else has the same issues. It's not interesting or inspiring.

I would like to say that I was here... and it sucked.

Fasting

As a music team we are fasting today and finishing with an hour of prayer. I haven't fasted food so I wanted to do this and understand to reason we fast. I found this chapter in the New Living Translation.

Isaiah 58
"Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast. Shout aloud! Don't be timid. Tell my people Israel of their sins! Yet they act so pious! They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to learn all about me. They act like a righteous nation that would never abandon the laws of its God. They ask me to take action on their behalf, pretending they want to near me.
'We have fasted before you!' they say.
'Why aren't you impressed? We have been very hard on ourselves, and you don't even notice it!'
"I will tell you why!" I respond.
"It's because you are fasting to please yourselves.
Even while you fast, you keep oppressing your workers.
What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with me. You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like reeds in the wind."

I stop here because I always wanted to fast but I needed to get the reasons for it right. This is clearly what not to do!

It goes on to say to free those who are wrongly imprisoned, lighten the burden of those who work for you, share food with the hungry, give shelter to the hungry and the list goes on. After this Jesus says
(v8) "Then your salvation with come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the LORD will protect you from behind. Then when you call, the LORD will answer.
'Yes I am here,' he will quickly reply.
"Remove the heavy yoke of oppression. Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumours! Feed the hungry and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The LORD will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring."

It then talks about honouring the sabbath and not pursuing your own interests on that day.

I got the message that it includes when we fast. Not to just go on doing what we want. But setting time aside to spend with God, praying. I guess this is kind of obvious but in the Christian world sometimes we do things so that we look like we're good people and not actually doing it for the right reasons.

So we are giving up something we need to spend the day in prayer. If I can go without food for 24 hours so that my prayers reach the ears of the unsaved. It is truly worth it. I think it really focuses us on the task if we are feeling the effects of an empty stomach. I have had to reach out for God's strength to get me through the day, looking after my 2 girls. While I'm not feeling that hungry I am stupidly tired and lacking the energy to function properly. It's so tempting just to sneak in a coffee or some food. But I can't. I am accountable.

Today is about putting aside our own needs to fulfill God's will. Seeking his presence to give us strength in our own lives and in others.

God help me do what I need to today and always remember why we do this. I pray for your strength and wisdom. I believe for miracles to happen today and for the weeks to come. In Jesus name
Amen

A Life Ends

We welcome new babies into the world and we say goodbye to those we've spent a lifetime with. On Tuesday I got the news that my Great Aunty Kath had passed away.
She was always around with a smile and encouraging word for us. She always remembered birthdays, shared stories and had so much wisdom to share. She was more of a grandmother to me than my own. I will always remember her, honour her and love her for all she gave to me and my family.

She shared the word of God with conviction and supported my family and her own through the tough times. She was truly blessed by God and I believe is now with him and the rest of her family in heaven, pain free and full of joy.

RIP Aunty. You will be greatly missed and we love you heaps!

I want some good news!

Everything seems to be pulling me down lately. I'm on a crazy roller coaster that I can't get off. I'm enjoying the little pleasures that come with life but overall I feel as though I'm letting myself down along with everyone I love.

There is an intense battle in my head that is fighting good and evil it feels. I know I should be fighting the bad thoughts but I just can't. I keep coming to the same conclusion of how unfair life is sometimes. I can't even clarify if I'm justified or not. I keep going to the passive side of me. I got that from my dad, where I just accept what is happening and live with it. I don't have the will to fight it. It feels like a losing battle.

Sometimes I feel like I need to talk about these battles in my head but I know my husband won't understand or be able to give me some constructive support. If I was being honest I probably just don't want to appear to be completely crazy! I sure feel like I am. Seeing as I have all day at home to drive myself mental its no wonder I feel crazy.

I hopefully will get a break through soon. When the year gets going and I start finding some energy to exercise and go out. Pray for me. So I don't completely lose my head.

So... 2012

What a year 2011 was... Highs and lows to say the least. It passed with a blur... I honestly have no idea what actually happened apart from having my second daughter.

Lets toast to a new year and pray hard for a better one.

I hope I'm in a different place to where I was this time last year...

Happy New Year.... Or not

Just yesterday I was filled with excitement of what the year might hold... Well then I thought about what has changed...

Uh...

Nothing.

Good thing it's only the 2nd day into the year. There's still time...

My house looks like a bomb hit it, the yard is a mess, there are half finished projects all over the place and we seem to be acquiring extra stuff by the bucket load! My house is getting smaller by the minute...

Please God tell me there is still time to fix it all before the year is out...

Alternatively a bigger house will help.

Happy New Year...