Life

I hate feeling like I cant help, that no matter what I say it wont help. You don't know cuz u havent been there. No one actually said those words but they didnt have to. It makes me want to disappear. To run away where no one will find me so I dont feel so useless. To have no one expect anything of me, so I can't fail them.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I wish I could avoid going to the doctors. Avoid talking abt it anymore. I dont want to talk abt it. I dont want to admit that I'm losing my mind, life and everything in it. I dont want to admit defeat... but there it is, staring me in the face. Hating me, taunting me. I just want it to go away. I can't go back to the way life was when I was happy. I can't control the thought going through my head. I brush them away but one day they will just stay there and I will go spiraling down again.

Stuff life! Right now I just hate it. If it wasnt for Maddison this would be the end. Then again if I didnt have her then I wouldnt be where I am...

No Facebook

Well, I have promised not to use facebook for a month. This will be interesting. I am more addicted than I thought. It'll be a very lonely month. Like things havent been hard enough already.

I am hoping to feel normal again soon. I dont really like feeling like the world is falling on top of me and I cant get out of the way in time. Good to hear that its normal and common. Doesnt really help but it makes me feel like it will work out in the end. I guess we'll see.

Lonely

Wow I feel so alone. Its late, I've been drinking... Had a long talk with Dan yet I still feel alone. God feels so far away. I dont feel I have an identity anymore. My purpose is to take care of a little baby. Thats all, I have no other life or purpose. I really thought there was more to life than this. I thought I was tougher than this, yet through this weight of responsibility the cracks are showing. I may crumble, not today or tomorrow... but soon.

What a day

I was angry. But in truth my anger has faded to the cold realisation that I expected too much. Disappointed, hurt... and just plain sad. Tired of excuses, tired of hoping and getting excited. Just plain tired. I am worn out. Being a mum to my daughter and my husband, trying to go back to the activities I enjoyed before I was pregnant and trying to stay optimistic. I was once a strong, determined person, I knew what I wanted out of life and I knew what to expect. Now its all a jumbled mess. My past coming back to drag me down, the dark moods, the temptations, the hurts. I thought I got past all that.

I am tired of trying so hard, of analyzing my motives, behaviours and thoughts. I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm tired of feeling guilty because I've ignored the one person I need the most. My God. I've been thrashing around in the water and suddenly I have no fight left in me and I'm slipping away. I know everyone wants something from me. An ear, a hand, some encouragement... I tried I really did. To be what they needed. I tried not to be selfish but here I am... thinking of myself yet again.

Why do mothers have so much influence, why is their approval and support so damn important. Words don't mean much to me anymore. In fact right now they mean absolutely nothing. Actions speak louder than words she used to say. Her actions are deafening.

This has got to be the most confusing, all of the place, blog I've written so far. So I'll stop. My head is a mess, my emotions are just as bad, but as usual I will push through cuz really its not that bad. In reality no one really cares. There is worse situations to be in and ppl think my life is awesome, so why complain? One day I'll have it together and I'll feel content. One day I will be stable. Today is not that day.

My apologies for the mess, I will clean it up soon.

Depression

How do you define depression? Where does it come from and when do u know its a problem? How do u diagnose a feeling, an emotion? I never believed I suffered from it. I still don't but I cant shake this strange mood I'm in. I was nearly convinced to see a doctor about it a few years back. I never went, I talked myself out it.

This mood is a dangerous place for me to be in. It leads to alcohol... which leads to a darker mood and more bad stuff follows. Maybe having a baby has caught up with me finally. I've nearly lost my identity. You become a mother not a person. Your whole world revolves around this little being. Don't get me wrong, I dont regret having Maddison, she really is a little angel. I just always have to think of her first, i know thats normal but I feel ripped off, No one elses first thought is her. They can just do whatever they want whenever without a second thought for her. I am not a single mother but I sure as hell feel like one. When will it change?

I should be getting excited about Christmas. I was, but something changed and I don't know what it was. Maybe for all the bad memories it brings back. I'm sure Mum didn't mean to do it, that's just how it was. I always ruined it. It should be different this year... I just can't block these thoughts. I always wanted to make Mum understand what she's done to me. But I can't and don't think I ever will. It doesn't seem fair. I only hope I don't pass on this to my children.

Lost

In a world that focuses on 'finding yourself' assuming that we are lost... where are we? Physically? Emotionally? Mentally? I am lost right now... but I dont want to find myself, I want to run away. I want to get away from the things that are worrying me, things are hurting, things I cant control. I want to seek refuge. To hide until I get my thoughts under control. They are spiraling out of control.

There is a control that is bad, that destroys relationships, that hurts really deeply... where is that line? the very fine line between good control and bad?? When so we know we've gone too far??

I dont know what I feel, where my head is... I know there is ppl really hurting right now and I dont know how to help. How do u help someone when you cant help yourself? How do help someone who cries out for help but wont accept it.. How do help someone when you've never been in the situation they are in? Why do I want something to bad to happen just so I can say that I understand?

I can look like I have everything together, I can pray in company an amazing prayer, yet I cant do it alone in my room, How did I forget my God when I remind others not to forget him. I am a hypocrite. By that prayer I know God is still with me yet I feel so far away. When did my day to day life suddenly change. I could blame my daughter but that wouldnt be fair. It's not her fault, its mine. When will I feel like myself again? Probably never.

But life goes on whether I'm happy or not. How comforting...