Feedback please

I learned some things about me today. In a session with a counselor, we talked about how to overcome this feeling of boredom and listlessness. Apart from the last week of frantically moving house, I have been so frustrated, bored... basically going out of my mind. Confused about who I was. Thinking that I had lost my identity. That I was now just labeled as 'Mum' and 'Wife'

I was told that I am still here. I am still exercising the areas in my life that are just for me. I didnt even realise. I play tennis, I sing and spend time with my friends.

For some background, I was never great at any one thing growing up. I tried lots of things some I loved some I could just do. I know that I am naturally athletic. My brothers and I could basically pick up a ball and learn how to play that sport well. Some days I love nothing more than playing a sport until my body gives up. I love it. I also know that music is in my blood. It's where my relationship with God really comes alive. Whether its listening to it, singing or playing it. I love it. I love nothing more than hanging out in good company. To talk about nothing or something really deep. I love being close to those who impact my life and make it that little more exciting. Then there are times where I just want to sit quietly with a good book and escape out of this world. To just read the day away. Give some music I can dance to and I will dance the night away. I used to really love just hanging with kids. I babysat for a number of years, worked in childcare, served on the childrens roster at church. I really thought my place was with animals. I loved volunteering at Australia Zoo and RSPCA. I always wanted to be a vet nurse and I had a job at a surgery. Until my dream went pear shaped.

My point is that I have so many parts of me that I don't know which area I want to pursue. I used to write novels when I was at school, I would write poetry, short stories. I have at least 5 unfinished novels I started since I was 15.

I need to do something. I don't know what. The other thing is that I have to choose carefully as it needs to be flexible since I have a 1 year old and a tight budget.

I just want to find something that challenges me but that I enjoy. Something that lets me be creative yet is affordable. Something that can fit into being a mum. Something that is benefiting someone. I want to feel useful and make a difference somewhere.

I need this to be a God lead thing. He knows me better than anyone else.
But if you have any thoughts feel free to comment.

Freedom

Well we have finally moved. I feel peace. I feel indescribably joyful. Its just us. No one relying on us, no questions, no interruptions... Just us.

I feel myself again. My little girl has settled in well, even my cat seems more at peace. We still have a lot to sort out, like connecting our aerial for the tv and getting the internet sorted... but I kinda like it just being us.

Everything in this house belongs to us. We can do whatever we like with it. I like that freedom. We have spent so much money on getting things looking good but it was worth it.

I didnt realise that I didnt express my joy to my husband. He thought I was as grumpy as before. Sounds stupid but I guess I forgot. He was so busy trying to sort everything out that I thought he was just stressed. I wanted to make the most of him being motivated to do things that I forgot to tell him how happy I felt. I just asked what he had to do and told him about other things that needed to be done instead of showing my excitement of being here.

I know this house won't solve everything going on in my head but its a start. It puts some distance between the people we love. So we can realign our emotions, thoughts and opinions. Look at it from a distance. Hopefully then we can also concentrate on our relationship.

The best part about all this is that I can worship my God without worrying about making someone else feel awkward. Or being interrupted, I can sing as loud as I want and not care who's watching! I can bawl on my lounge room floor without worring abt having to explain to someone whats wrong.

Thats what I call freedom. Maybe that was what was hurting the most. Neglecting my God because of embarrassment or making things awkward for someone else.

God take me back! Hold me as I openly worship you. You are all I need.

Brokeness

I was not looking forward to singing tonight at church. I can't pinpoint why but I just wasnt in the mood. My voice is not in the best shape, my body was being weird today and my mind was seriously not there.

So I get up there, when normally the cares of the day just get stripped, they didn't. They hung over me, I felt restricted. Not just in my mind but actually physically. I couldnt not make myself jump around. Normally I can just turn my head off and bounce around and sing and praise God but tonight there was something different going on. My body felt like a dead weight, my mind wouldnt focus and the crazy thing was that the spirit of God was there. He still moved and touched people. It wasnt like bad worship. It was just me. I tried to fight but it's like I had no strength left in me.

I was getting ready to leave because Dan didn't come to church and he was picking me up. When I ran into Shireen and Eloise. Shez asked me what was wrong and I just said I didnt want to talk about it. She wanted to know if there was anything she could do to help. I said no....

Well we talked and I skimmed over the details and got to the bit about not being able to worship and she said that I had been broken. After holding myself together when everything else was going wrong, one little thing just broke me. I really did break then. Silent tears, me realising the weight, the burden that I had been carrying. She said it was ok to be broken, because in that God is strongest. When we hold on, God can't move. It was then I felt the burden being taken off me.

There are some things we arent meant to carry. I can't carry my husband's God life, I can't carry my family's problems... I can't carry even my own issues. God places burdens on our heart to help others not to weigh us down, so when we are being weighed down to the point where we can barely breathe. Its not right. Cast your burdens upon him. That's what the WORD says.

Clearly I was not doing that. I was not talking to anyone because I didnt want to sound like a complaining annoying person who is always whinging about herself. So I didn't let anyone help me, I just thought it would fix itself. Well that was an epic fail. Within 15mins of talking to my Godly friends and praying with them, I felt their love towards me and their pain at seeing me struggle and really felt God's presence and love telling me that it would all be ok and that things will work out.

I was writing this morning at how I wanted to know someone so intensely, till I realised that the only person I should be wanting to know was God. I need to making the time to spend with him. Putting him even before my daughter and my husband. Even just for 10mins. I was also writing that I wanted to feel worthy. My friend said she saw God bursting with love for me, that when he sees my smile he jumps for joy. Literally jumps! That he loves me so intensely and gets excited just when he sees me.

Wow, that's crazy to think God. The creator of the universe gets so excited that he bursts and jumps just because he's seen me smile. He has given me HIS heart and I have given him mine. How beautiful and precious to know that God loves me so deeply. So intensely and he knows me inside out. It just makes me what to know everything about him.

Today I was a broken, burdened and constricted person. Tonight I have just been freed. Ps Gordon was preaching on freedom tonight. God put that into practice tonight. He placed people in my world for a reason. He made me EXACTLY the way I am for a reason. I live to serve him and only him. MY heart bursts with love for him.

God you will be glorified and praised for as long as there is breath in my lungs. Thank you for being everything I need.
"Christ is risen, in Christ I stand
Forever I praise you, the great I am
Christ is with us, Emanuel
Highest Hosanna, IT IS WELL"

To be hurt

When was the moment when I stopped caring what people thought. When I stopped avoiding people so I wouldn't get hurt. I'm sure I would try to avoid getting hurting but I didnt base my life around it.

I just don't get it... By saying that you don't want to get hurt seems rather selfish to me. Your not thinking about anyone else, just yourself.

If your goal in life is to avoid getting hurt then isnt that an impossible task? Not getting hurt isn't avoiding people, it's facing them and making a choice not to care. Making the choice to let it go and get on with your life.

We will all get hurt, thats inevitable but I would be choosing very carefully what I get hurt over. I still get upset about some really stupid things. But not everything. Otherwise I really would be a basket case!

Just thinking out loud here, I wanted to get straight in my head what the problem was. I think the point is, to live a life that is hurt free is impossible, so to choose to let go is a mature option. I guess when we've learnt to do that then we are on our way to gaining wisdom and maturity.

Maybe God allows situations to come our way so we have the choice to react. We choose to take offense or to let it go. We choose to be discouraged or to be open for learning. We are naturally selfish beings, it takes a lot of work to fight our natural instinct. But it can be done. How would we have found cures for disease if someone hadn't given up there life to help others. To put their own needs aside to care for others. Where would we be without the people that helped someone through, either physically or emotionally, an issue that could have been life or death if the decision was left up to them.

We are made to love, we can't live without loving. Which unfortunately brings hurt. We are all human. By expecting not to be hurt wouldn't that mean you would think that you are incapable of hurting someone else. Correct me if I'm wrong but by if you want to avoid being hurt that would mean you would be trying not to hurt others. By avoiding people, that would be hurting them wouldnt it?

I think I'm going around in circles here but I'm just trying to understand how this logic works, I see now that I don't think it makes sense.

Well I know that living in fear is not beneficial at all.

Escaped

To a land that is very familiar to me. Self doubt and fear creeping up on me.

I know what I want but I doubt that the reasoning is clear enough. Why should I, why shouldn't I? Going round in circles but stopping at the center. I can't pin point the why I should but can explain why I shouldn't. So does the practical side win out again?

Probably... always does.

There are a few issues here. Can't elaborate on them right now. My mind is too boggled. All I know is I am confused and torn and hurt and broken for now. It will get better, I will see clearer and I will get through this.

I will make a decision and be ready when it happens. I will see the future and know that God is with me.

My only wish is to be happy again, to feel safe, loved and confident again.

That's all I wish for...

Boxes

I've just had the biggest kick in the gut that I've had in a long time. Someone pointing out how wrong I've been. Doing the exact thing I hate others doing to me.

I got caught up a massive wave of emotions that took me on the ride of lifetime. With so much floating round my head lately, I found myself judging someone quite harshly. I have no right. I just fell way short of the life and love that God planned for me.

What a lesson to learn.

I wish I could say I could just turn it off. But being kicked really hurts. Ok so God isnt doing the kicking. I think its me. Who knew God could use the same person I'm judging to tell me that I'm judging.

I hate seeing people screw their life up, even if it looks like they are having fun. It will catch up eventually. Maybe its part jealously that I can't have that lifestyle. But if I was in that position I couldnt live that lifestyle. Its just not me. Maybe I wish it was me even just for a day. To enjoy myself and not think about the consequences. To just be free...

I know in God I am free but I feel like I'm in a box of things I can and can't do. I am in the same place I was a few posts ago when I said that I am resenting the freedom the people around me have. Must be why this bothers me so much.

So I will kick myself silly for a while until I learn how to deal with this, I do think I am judging too many people at the moment. This is free shot to anyone who wants to fling some of my own dirt back at me.

I know I don't do everything right. I just forgot what it felt like. I'm sorry for the people I've judged and hurt. I am paying for it now.

So many things...

Thoughts, emotions, feelings, hope, excitement, fear and wonder. So much to think feel and hope for today. Is it right? will it work? will it make life better, worse, harder, more joyful?

Do we take the challenge or hold off for a better time? Do we dream and hope, or just forget about it. So many things...

We are so close and motivated to finish painting and move. I can't wait yet we will have to adjust to a smaller space and all the possible renovations in the future. Will I feel cramped or right at home?

I guess we will find out

Fathers have a choice

They can choose not to get up. because they know their backup plan will always work. Mothers

I hate that they can just decided not to do anything and the mother will always pick up the slack.

Is it just because we have a bond with our children? That instinct that can't bare to hear them cry for one more minute? That if we won't do it then no one else would?

My husband said that he would get up EVERY morning and feed her... Well this morning isn't every morning... Saturday isnt every morning... Thursday morning isnt every morning...

I hear excuses... My back is sore... I'm really tired. Welcome to the real world, I have had lower back pain on and off since she was born. That doesn't stop me getting up! For the first 3 months of being a mother I got up every time she made a noise. Although she is a very good baby, she still got hungry, tired and just cranky and I HAD to get up to her. In the middle of the night, early morning, late at night...

Don't get me wrong the problem isnt her... The problem is that excuses from the father are not good enough. You have no choice now that you have a daughter the least you could do was stick to what you promised to do. Make that choice to be there and keep it! This pattern won't just magically stop when she's old enough to understand. She will know if you don't keep your promises. She will learn to give excuses...

I am not the type of person to 'make' you do things. I want you to be able to make the choice yourself and do it because you want to do it... not because you have to.

If you don't make the choice... Your daughter will know...

Empty

Thats the word I've been looking for all day... Empty. I know I'm doing stuff and have a completely full and rewarding life...

But today

I feel empty. Like there is something I should be doing... Something useful, creative and that brings joy to me and everyone else.

I don't know what that is. I feel like I'm doing all the right things but still feel unfulfilled.

I am still fighting off a sickness... The symptoms are still there but arent bothering me too much, I feel so tired but can't sleep. My eyes hurt and won't focus...

I'm not really looking forward to all the good things in my world... I haven't been excited about anything in a very long time.

I was thinking maybe I should have a go at writing novels again... I've always wanted to try painting...

I want to read a good book or 3... Been meaning to take a trip down to the library.

I wish I knew what to do. I just want to feel fresh, new and happy. Thats all. I don't think spending money on things to help will cut it. It comes from inner peace, which clearly I don't have right now.

I know not to place my hopes on the move making any difference to how I feel. It may make some difference but I don't want to be disappointed. I have no future goals. I am living for each day and moment and its just not working for me.

So for now, I will try and relax and get to sleep. That's the goal for now

Its 4.44am

I have no idea why I am up this early. In fact I have been awake for over an hour. Could it be that there is something playing on my mind. Well there are a few things going round my head.

I am considering giving up my position in one area of my life. I don't know if my reasons are the right ones though. I don't know if I should just push through or hand the reins over to someone who is better equipped.

Also I have addressed a rather touchy issue with someone very close to me. I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I wondered if by having it out in the open would help that person see what they are doing... Help propel them out of the situation they refuse to acknowledge. All I've gotten so far is excuses. Words of opinion shoved into my mouth. Paranoia and insecurities dumped on me. I will be fighting with this for months maybe even years. At least before there was kind of a wall to hide behind but now that part of it has been addressed, I am exposed. Part of my feelings about this is out to be under valued and the past ready to be brought up and thrown in my face... again.

Nothing about this feels right. I was waiting for the 'right moment' Well I don't think that was it. Too late now I guess. It could possibly end very badly...

Maybe it's about time all of this came out. Maybe God has a plan for this situation. But right now, at the stupid time of 4.55am I am out in the cold worrying about it.

Hopefully by the time I get into bed next to my warm husband... I will feel better. I just have to pray and wait for this to pan out and

hopefully...



God will have my back and make something amazing come out of this.

Maddison's Party

Its all over now. Maddison has turned one, she's had her party now we wait for all the milestones to happen over the next year. The biggest one will be walking.

The party had some setbacks but after raining for two days before hand, seeing the sun shining was the best present of all. I managed to ice and decorate the cake with help from my brother. It wasnt perfect but I figured she will never remember it and it was my first attempt. All in all I think it looked ok. Creative license I'd call it.
Maddison did not want to be held by anyone. She just wanted to crawl around the green stuff she barely sees. Only because where we are living there are 5 dogs out the back and cigarette butts out the front. So we don't take her out to play on the grass.

So between chasing her around plus making sure I've seen all the 30 odd guests that came, I think it went well. I will say I'm disappointed that some rsvp'd then didnt turn up and also people that left early. I know there were some good reasons but I was only asking for 2 hours out of an afternoon to celebrate a milestone. And some couldnt even manage that.

In saying that those who were there helped out. It was such a relief to have so many friends and family offering to help and sorting all the things out that I couldn't do by myself.

I think the day went well, Maddison enjoyed herslf. I think she's going to be a bookworm somehow cuz despite all the colourful toys she just kept grabbing the books, especially the ones that make noise.

A big thank you to all that came and celebrated with us. I hope you had a good time and continue to be a part of my daughters life. Like you have been in ours.