Last night I sat at hens night with a couple of ladies I knew well. We were talking about kids then the topic moved onto work. Again this guilt came over me as it has since the birth of my first child. Why aren't you working? The ladies I was with knew me so that question didn't need to be asked but I felt useless. Yes I am a mum and that is the most important thing to me, but some days I wish to be something else other than mum. I know I'm not doing a great job at being mum and would like to check out for a little while. Have a 'mental health day' and just pretend I was somewhere else doing something useful.
The problem with getting a job is that I have barely any experience and no qualifications to get me anywhere. So that useless feeling heightens. The cost of childcare will be as much as I was earning therefore not productive. So I have played around with this idea for years and each time have dismissed it. Instead I have thrown myself into a role at church as a leader. It comes at a price for my emotional state though. I have deal with people and I have never been good at it. I stress about that more than I do being a mum sometimes. It feels unproductive at the moment. I know that it will get better but for now its hard.
I seem to be at the stage of struggling through family dramas again with no solution in sight short of moving far away. I can't do anything to help there either except let it go, which I almost impossible when it comes to parents and in laws.
I was kind of hoping that writing things might help make me feel better about today. I was wrong. I will just continue to pray that things will get better. What else can I do?
The highs and lows of a wife and mother trying to find her place in the world
