Never Let You Go

Your love will never fail me
Your name it calms my every sea
Forever, my King, forever
My God is bigger than the storm
Beat down death, won the war
Forever, King, forever

Your leaning with me through the bends
You carry me, when I give in

When my seas are raging, no I'm not letting go,
If my heart is caving you hold me up with the cross
When my colour's fading, you paint me with your love
Oh my fear has hit the ground, I see through the storm.

I'll never let you go

Joe Pringle and Jake Sweetman 2010


This song has been stuck in my head since it was introduced at church. So that's a couple of weeks now. I guess it reminds me of who I am and who is in control.

I have been thinking a lot about things. Since my husband mentioned the 'hypothetical' hobbies he would like to do and explained how much he needed them, it got me thinking about my own hobbies. Or lack of them.

I have been stubborn to keep on playing tennis because it's really the only hobby I have left. I should probably stop but I enjoy it too much and I haven't really hurt myself yet. It does just take a couple of days for the soreness of my back and legs to settle down.

So thinking of hobbies again I know if I mention them to my husband he will cringe and tell me we don't have the money. All I really want is to try my hand at painting or possibly knitting animals. I have done both before and it's something that I can just pick up when I have the time. But I have held off on both because of 'money'.

So how can I justify allowing my mechanic of a husband go back to playing with his celica that he spent 5 long years and God knows how much money on, only to sell everything except the shell, to start rebuilding it for a weekend toy... Somehow I think 3 cars on the road is a bit overkill, not to mention expensive and impractical.

Yet I can't stop him. why does he stop me? Or maybe I just allow him to stop me because there are more important things to be concerned with than my hobbies. I will admit though that he has been working super hard and picking up cash jobs and working nearly every sat to keep food on the table. (which is a stupid expression because I haven't gone for a decent grocery shop for about 3 weeks now!) I have to allow him some pleasure. Although days like today makes me feel like I'm missing out on something.

Maybe I just need a new perspective. Or I just need to suck it up and take what life throws at me. I'm getting tired, worried that I have less than 7 weeks till my baby's due and we haven't sorted the nursery out of bought a carseat... My bag isn't packed and I can't move anything around to get started on the house. I feel so useless. I clean, the next day its dirty, I wash and fold and then his clean clothes stay in the basket till the next washing day! My days have no meaning anymore! No sense of achievement. Everything just looks it did the day before!

I shouldn't complain. It's just how life is. I chose to be a stay at home mum and a housewife. I just wish I felt some satisfaction out of it.

I think Jesus must feel like this sometimes. He died for people and all they do is complain and blame him! Maybe some appreciation towards him will put my life back into perpective. He sacrificed the most. He understands how much mothers sacrifice for their families. It feels like we give up out freedom yet God gave it back to us.

At least someone truly understands what it means to be a mother and to give all that you have. We may not physically give our lives to our family but we give everything else. God gave the ultimate sacrifice for people who don't love him, or even believe he is real.... How mind blowing is that....

Am I doing something worthwhile?

Expectations. I hate them some days. I'm tired of worrying about not meeting them. Being concerned about offending people. I'm tired of caring. Some people like making sure I know that I've upset them. I hear indirectly of course. Then it makes me feel bad for reacting. Like I have to always defend myself in my own house. I have to explain myself all the time. I can't just be left alone. I have to behave how they would expect me to behave. It would just be easier if they told me to my face that I was being rude. I can handle that. I can't handle hearing it from someone else. Then I over analyze, feel guilty, reassess myself and try and come to terms with who I am.

I could blame it on hormones but I don't. I don't know who I react the way I do. I'm just tired of trying to justify it or force myself to behave differently just so I don't make someone else feel bad. She makes me feel bad. Turning up on my doorstep. Always catching me when I'm not coping the best.

I have to make it look like I'm in control and I'm coping well. Otherwise I feel like I'm being diagnosed or needing some sort of help when I really just need to be left alone. At least Dan understands me. He knows when to just leave me to calm down.

So now I'm just feeling lazy. Wishing I can do something useful, something that will help us. Dan is considering taking on a second job to help us get by. I feel guilty. I can't work. Actually I dont really want to. Which makes it worse. There isn't anything I can do to help us financially. I feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile. There are Mum's out there doing stuff, earning money.... I'm sitting on my butt feeling bad. I guess I'm feeling rather selfish. I have no goals, ambitions, hobbies. i'm not putting anything into the lives around me except complaining about my life. How sad. I really don't know what to do about it. I guess I'll work it out.

I am going to bake some stuff so that it looks like I've done something worthwhile today. I wish I could do more. But I dont have the energy to do more.

I'm sure God has plans for me I just need an indication for what they are. Some hope and reassurance that I'm not wasting my life.