Am I doing something worthwhile?

Expectations. I hate them some days. I'm tired of worrying about not meeting them. Being concerned about offending people. I'm tired of caring. Some people like making sure I know that I've upset them. I hear indirectly of course. Then it makes me feel bad for reacting. Like I have to always defend myself in my own house. I have to explain myself all the time. I can't just be left alone. I have to behave how they would expect me to behave. It would just be easier if they told me to my face that I was being rude. I can handle that. I can't handle hearing it from someone else. Then I over analyze, feel guilty, reassess myself and try and come to terms with who I am.

I could blame it on hormones but I don't. I don't know who I react the way I do. I'm just tired of trying to justify it or force myself to behave differently just so I don't make someone else feel bad. She makes me feel bad. Turning up on my doorstep. Always catching me when I'm not coping the best.

I have to make it look like I'm in control and I'm coping well. Otherwise I feel like I'm being diagnosed or needing some sort of help when I really just need to be left alone. At least Dan understands me. He knows when to just leave me to calm down.

So now I'm just feeling lazy. Wishing I can do something useful, something that will help us. Dan is considering taking on a second job to help us get by. I feel guilty. I can't work. Actually I dont really want to. Which makes it worse. There isn't anything I can do to help us financially. I feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile. There are Mum's out there doing stuff, earning money.... I'm sitting on my butt feeling bad. I guess I'm feeling rather selfish. I have no goals, ambitions, hobbies. i'm not putting anything into the lives around me except complaining about my life. How sad. I really don't know what to do about it. I guess I'll work it out.

I am going to bake some stuff so that it looks like I've done something worthwhile today. I wish I could do more. But I dont have the energy to do more.

I'm sure God has plans for me I just need an indication for what they are. Some hope and reassurance that I'm not wasting my life.