Memories

Suddenly I was a little girl again. So vivid. So clear as if it was yesterday. The fear, the hurt. It started with memories. what you did, what you said how you behaved. Then it turned to you... and me... I could feel the tension, the sweat trickling down my body. The silent prays begging you to leave my room and let me go back to sleep. Seeing your face turn from love to anger in a matter of seconds. I remember the sigh of relief when you left. Listening to your footsteps down the hall. Hoping they didn't come back.

Then I remembered curling up on the floor, crying out to God to save me. To help me be a better daughter, to not mess up Christmas, Easter or whatever holiday was coming up. It never worked. I always did something wrong. I remember pouring over my bible crying... trying to find comfort, hope and a better person than I felt at that point.

That feeling made me get up out of bed tonight. I'm crying at the memory. I have a headache now similar to the ones I used to get then. Crying out to God to change me because I was the worst daughter in the world. My mother... the woman who loved then cursed me in the same breath. Who dumped on me all her faults and made me believe that they were mine. Who caused me to feel fear and pain as a little girl right through to adulthood. My mother who I love and still look after. I still do what she asks and try to support her like I'm the adult instead of her.

I am still being manipulated by her in some ways. She tried to ring me at 930 tonight. I ignored the call. I make a rule not to answer after 9pm. Then I questioned myself to maybe should I call her back and see if she was ok. Then the memories came to me.

Why haven't they healed? I thought I put it all behind me. I thought I had forgiven her, dealt with it and left it in the past where it belongs. I have moved on... maybe she hasn't. She reminds me all the time that I was a horrible teenager. Maybe I was or maybe I was just reacting to the negative behaviour I was copping from her.

It took a lot of counseling and patience to get where I am now. I still fight with the fears of making the same mistakes with my daughter. But I know in my heart that I am different. That my husband, my friends and God won't let me go down that path. I know I will not cope if I made those mistakes, I really would just fall to pieces.

Picking them up each time they got shattered as a child was hard enough. I would never be able to pick them up now.

I want to erase the memories. I wish I didnt remember how it felt, the look in her eyes and the feeling of hopelessness. She will never admit it. I wish I could tell her how I felt, how I still feel when she talks of me as a child. In her eyes it was still all my fault. She would justify the "discipline" and never admit the verbal abuse. I have to live with the fact that she will never acknowledge that what she did was wrong. I even doubt it myself. I still defend her. I make excuses. I can't be sure of anything. Its a blur because I was a child and I believed everything she said. Even as an adult I thought it was wrong but I couldn't be sure.

The miracle is that I am still loyal. Even though she told me I was the most disloyal in the family. I will still do as she asks and try to keep her happy and included in my life. Even though she never asks me how my life is going. Just how Maddison is. Or if Dan is doing a good enough job at looking after me. In all honestly if she asked me how I was I wouldn't tell her anything anyway. I just keep praying that some day it will change. Some day someone will get through to her and make her see how she pushing us all away. We stay around to see Dad and offer some comfort to him. At least I know my brothers look out for me and each other. We will always be close. They have dealt with some stuff growing up too. They have learnt how to detach themselves from it.

I guess it was time to be honest and say that that still bothers me. I think because my mother is still living in the past where as I'm trying to push it back there and she keeps reminding me that it's there. I have moved on. She is still holding on. So I guess seeing her and talking to her has just brought it all back for me. Because in her life nothing has changed. She is still exactly the same and that scares me. When I know how much I have changed. I would hate to think in 30 years time that I would be the same person. I want to be completely different, stronger and better.

Anyway I really must try and sleep. Headache has gone and memories are put back in their box and God is burying them again. New day tomorrow. I want to make the most of it and rejoice in a new day.