Delete

I am thinking of deleting this blog. I cant seem to write what I should... It always feels so negative. Or maybe its just that I'm never truly happy anymore...

I think to much, speak to little and generally can't cope with it. I'm fighting my own mind. My intentions, my ability to be a decent human being. I feel little blurry.

One thing that has become clear lately though. My family are proud of me... Apparently I am doing well in their eyes. It was a misconception to think that it make everything feel better to have my family's support and love. In fact because of the circumstances it has actually put more pressure on me.

So in trying to take on board my family's support, keep my in-laws happy and be fair to my husband I feel a tad stretched. Not to mention look after a 2 year old and 11 week old. Oh and of course keep up with the housework, groceries, and washing. Life of a housewife I know. So I'm not complaining. Just pointing out that I'm stretched. The only thing I'm not doing is exercising (which is bugging me) and serving in church. I desperately want to go back to singing. I guess the things I want the most are pushed aside for my family.

I will say I'm so glad my evil child has turned back into a princess. I haven't copped a tantrum in at least a week and am thrilled! Except that I had an unsettled, sick baby for a few days. I'm not sure which was worse. At least it wasnt all at the same time.

I miss God. I am going church but I really miss his presence. I seem to always be the parents room, feeding. I haven't spent time in worship for I dont know how long. I feel it. I'm missing something. My life, heart and soul is not whole. I wish I could just get back there...

I guess that's the essence of what I feel I'm missing. I've lost it somewhere... Life has got away with me. I feel empty and everything I have tried to fill it with hasn't made a difference. I need to find my creator again.

Maybe I won't delete this just yet.... by writing I have just worked out why I feel so out of it... That was what this blog's purpose was. And to hopefully give some hope to those who read it. If anyone actually does..