The lines that clearly defined my existence and held my thoughts together have been so horribly blurred. I don't remember my head being so messed up. This time I can't blame a chemical imbalance. It's gone further than that. I could maybe blame pregnancy. But I don't think that's it either.
I cant finish this blog right now. I know no one reads it anyway. So I'll get back it to later.
The highs and lows of a wife and mother trying to find her place in the world
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
The easiest thing I've done all day
I was considering writing about what has been frustrating me... then I stopped and felt like I needed to kneel at God's alter. I even pictured me doing it. So I turned down the lights, put on some worship music and made my own alter in my lounge room.
I haven't done that in ages and I used to do it all the time. It was my connection with God. I was expecting to be chastised and collapsing in tears. Which is what normally happens followed by repentance and prayer. Instead all I felt was a stillness in my heart and mind. Peace and love. Instead of being exhausted and calm. I am just feeling warm, loved and peaceful. Half an hour is all it took. Normally it would be much longer.
I didn't have to tell Him what I have been so stressed about. Didn't need to justify my actions, emotions or thoughts. It was like He just said "I know' He took it all. I didn't have to say a thing. He knows. I know He knows. He just reminded me who I am. A worshiper. I don't have to be anything else. When I come to His alter I strip away all my labels and just become a worshiper.
Wow... I forgot what I was made for. I forgot to be who I am. I forgot that I just need to spend a moment in his presence. I don't have to beg Him for anything. He's already given it me.
It wasn't hard. In fact it was the easiest thing I've done all day. It only a minute to find His presence. Now it will linger for the rest of the night.
All I can say is thank you God for knowing what I need... when I have no idea.
I haven't done that in ages and I used to do it all the time. It was my connection with God. I was expecting to be chastised and collapsing in tears. Which is what normally happens followed by repentance and prayer. Instead all I felt was a stillness in my heart and mind. Peace and love. Instead of being exhausted and calm. I am just feeling warm, loved and peaceful. Half an hour is all it took. Normally it would be much longer.
I didn't have to tell Him what I have been so stressed about. Didn't need to justify my actions, emotions or thoughts. It was like He just said "I know' He took it all. I didn't have to say a thing. He knows. I know He knows. He just reminded me who I am. A worshiper. I don't have to be anything else. When I come to His alter I strip away all my labels and just become a worshiper.
Wow... I forgot what I was made for. I forgot to be who I am. I forgot that I just need to spend a moment in his presence. I don't have to beg Him for anything. He's already given it me.
It wasn't hard. In fact it was the easiest thing I've done all day. It only a minute to find His presence. Now it will linger for the rest of the night.
All I can say is thank you God for knowing what I need... when I have no idea.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Gipped
I hate it when you realise you've been ripped off. For something that at the time just didn't matter. Looking back you really think how unfair it actually was. I don't like dwelling on the past but this wasn't fair especially from the person that is supposed to put you first and love you unconditionally.
My husband's birthday and mine are 3 days apart. So that in itself can be a problem. I turned 25 this year. We didn't have a lot of money. Dan found what he wanted for his birthday. A HD recorder. I said fine when he promised to spend on me what he spent. So he got his present late but he got what he wanted. Then he managed to get my anniversary bangle fixed. It had been broken for a while now. That was it. Now his Mum thought it was the best present to buy him skirmish vouchers. But he still has to pay for extra paint balls which i might add are not cheap. So he gets a day with his mates plus a few hundred dollars spending money. While I got stuck with an $80 repaired bangle.
Normally this kinda stuff doesnt bother me all that much because its just material stuff but we are struggling at the moment so this really pisses me off. I started sorting through clothes and things for this baby that's due in 5 weeks and realised I need to buy some stuff. We are not going to have money for that. I will have to just take it where I can because Dan will tell me to wait and say we can't afford it. I still need to buy a few things for myself but again we don't have the money. This makes me uncontrollably mad. I don't know what to do except ask my Mum for money for the things we need while my husband spends money on the things he wants.
This is not the first time. I have had discussions about this on my first mothers day and at Christmas where he spent money that was given to the both of us, on himself. It seems to be a recurring thing. He has also spent my tax return on bills.
I will admit that he did organise a massive night out for me for a birthday. I really appreciated him for that. But lately things just seems to be all about him.
I love him to death but I am so frustrated at double standards that he lives by. After having to grow up with double standards, it gets a bit repetitive.
So while I'm not working and getting any sort of income. I feel a tad useless and am racking my brains for a solution. To get through to him and to afford the things we need for our growing family. I feel like I'm the only one trying to look after us. No doubt there are times he's gone without. I just don't think it adds ups.
I wish this wasn't such a negative blog but I need to get it out of my head. It'll only make me more mad and stressed. I pray that he sees sense and starts being fair. Thats all I'm asking for. I don't think that's unreasonably.
My husband's birthday and mine are 3 days apart. So that in itself can be a problem. I turned 25 this year. We didn't have a lot of money. Dan found what he wanted for his birthday. A HD recorder. I said fine when he promised to spend on me what he spent. So he got his present late but he got what he wanted. Then he managed to get my anniversary bangle fixed. It had been broken for a while now. That was it. Now his Mum thought it was the best present to buy him skirmish vouchers. But he still has to pay for extra paint balls which i might add are not cheap. So he gets a day with his mates plus a few hundred dollars spending money. While I got stuck with an $80 repaired bangle.
Normally this kinda stuff doesnt bother me all that much because its just material stuff but we are struggling at the moment so this really pisses me off. I started sorting through clothes and things for this baby that's due in 5 weeks and realised I need to buy some stuff. We are not going to have money for that. I will have to just take it where I can because Dan will tell me to wait and say we can't afford it. I still need to buy a few things for myself but again we don't have the money. This makes me uncontrollably mad. I don't know what to do except ask my Mum for money for the things we need while my husband spends money on the things he wants.
This is not the first time. I have had discussions about this on my first mothers day and at Christmas where he spent money that was given to the both of us, on himself. It seems to be a recurring thing. He has also spent my tax return on bills.
I will admit that he did organise a massive night out for me for a birthday. I really appreciated him for that. But lately things just seems to be all about him.
I love him to death but I am so frustrated at double standards that he lives by. After having to grow up with double standards, it gets a bit repetitive.
So while I'm not working and getting any sort of income. I feel a tad useless and am racking my brains for a solution. To get through to him and to afford the things we need for our growing family. I feel like I'm the only one trying to look after us. No doubt there are times he's gone without. I just don't think it adds ups.
I wish this wasn't such a negative blog but I need to get it out of my head. It'll only make me more mad and stressed. I pray that he sees sense and starts being fair. Thats all I'm asking for. I don't think that's unreasonably.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Silence
I have stayed silent. I wanted to talk but I said nothing. I pretend there is nothing but there is something wrong. I have processed, thought, racked my brain for a solution, strategy or just peace and I have not found it. The advice I keep getting is talk talk talk but I have talked... I have pleaded... I have cried and I have yelled. Nothing changes. Maybe it changes for a week. Then its the same again.
I am scared. If I demand too much I will turn into my mother and be overbearing and horrible and one day he will resent me for it. I don't want to be that. But I have no idea what else to do.
I am emotional, I am tired, I am frustrated and I feel helpless. I can't make him understand but things can't stay the same. I don't see them changing anytime soon. I know we are stressed about work and money but neglecting everything else is not a solution.
I am worried that this second baby is not going to help, in fact I almost think it'll make things worse. I don't know how I will cope. I will power on like I normally do I guess...
I have retreated... You demand things of me that I don't want to give. My energy is gone. I do not want to be guilted into giving you what you want. I can't do it anymore. My love tank is empty and I know I should be giving out of choice... Out of God's love tank. I wish I could. I need the strength to choose. I don't believe your words, your actions are speaking louder. I wish they were telling me different things.
I will stay silent for now. Seek God's words of wisdom because human words aren't working. I need to pray and trust that God will provide me with the strength and power I need to choose to love. I have been doing it all on my own and stupidly I have not gotten anywhere. I stand humbled at your throne God and cast my worries on you and trust that you have greater strength and wisdom and you promised that what you put together stays together. Forgive me not giving you my heart completely. I am sorry. I kneel with a repentant heart. Amen
I am scared. If I demand too much I will turn into my mother and be overbearing and horrible and one day he will resent me for it. I don't want to be that. But I have no idea what else to do.
I am emotional, I am tired, I am frustrated and I feel helpless. I can't make him understand but things can't stay the same. I don't see them changing anytime soon. I know we are stressed about work and money but neglecting everything else is not a solution.
I am worried that this second baby is not going to help, in fact I almost think it'll make things worse. I don't know how I will cope. I will power on like I normally do I guess...
I have retreated... You demand things of me that I don't want to give. My energy is gone. I do not want to be guilted into giving you what you want. I can't do it anymore. My love tank is empty and I know I should be giving out of choice... Out of God's love tank. I wish I could. I need the strength to choose. I don't believe your words, your actions are speaking louder. I wish they were telling me different things.
I will stay silent for now. Seek God's words of wisdom because human words aren't working. I need to pray and trust that God will provide me with the strength and power I need to choose to love. I have been doing it all on my own and stupidly I have not gotten anywhere. I stand humbled at your throne God and cast my worries on you and trust that you have greater strength and wisdom and you promised that what you put together stays together. Forgive me not giving you my heart completely. I am sorry. I kneel with a repentant heart. Amen
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