Silence

I have stayed silent. I wanted to talk but I said nothing. I pretend there is nothing but there is something wrong. I have processed, thought, racked my brain for a solution, strategy or just peace and I have not found it. The advice I keep getting is talk talk talk but I have talked... I have pleaded... I have cried and I have yelled. Nothing changes. Maybe it changes for a week. Then its the same again.

I am scared. If I demand too much I will turn into my mother and be overbearing and horrible and one day he will resent me for it. I don't want to be that. But I have no idea what else to do.

I am emotional, I am tired, I am frustrated and I feel helpless. I can't make him understand but things can't stay the same. I don't see them changing anytime soon. I know we are stressed about work and money but neglecting everything else is not a solution.

I am worried that this second baby is not going to help, in fact I almost think it'll make things worse. I don't know how I will cope. I will power on like I normally do I guess...

I have retreated... You demand things of me that I don't want to give. My energy is gone. I do not want to be guilted into giving you what you want. I can't do it anymore. My love tank is empty and I know I should be giving out of choice... Out of God's love tank. I wish I could. I need the strength to choose. I don't believe your words, your actions are speaking louder. I wish they were telling me different things.

I will stay silent for now. Seek God's words of wisdom because human words aren't working. I need to pray and trust that God will provide me with the strength and power I need to choose to love. I have been doing it all on my own and stupidly I have not gotten anywhere. I stand humbled at your throne God and cast my worries on you and trust that you have greater strength and wisdom and you promised that what you put together stays together. Forgive me not giving you my heart completely. I am sorry. I kneel with a repentant heart. Amen