Learning to Fall

I've heard it said a million times that I should hold on tight to Jesus
But I took this road so far from home and distance came between us
When I walked away I knew one day I'd need your grace


So now you'll find me on my knees surrendering
cause I know that I'm really not so strong
And now been fighting for control
Lord you can have this life that I've been holding for so long
I'm learning to fall
Let my world crumble

You ran so fast to rescue me while I was barely breathing
You picked me up, You touched my face
And I began to see more clearly
Though I'm such a disgrace you still forgave
And your love remains

Take me as an offering I surrender everything
No more living without you

'The Beautiful Republic'

This song is my inspiration at the moment.

Although right now I feel as though my world is falling around ankles.
I feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden. The sudden realisation that I am a mother of two now... That life is going to be very different.

I suddenly really miss the things I was doing before I had this baby. Going back to sleepless nights and breastfeeding, a niggling fear that something bad could happen to this tiny baby. That because my patience is non existent I may do something harsh to my 2 year old. It's so much harder to stay calm, in control and relaxed. I can barely stay positive and focused on what I should be doing. I fear my mind will let me down. Not to mention finances and relationship issues.

I know it's stuff I shouldn't stress about. I question my ability as a mother and as a wife. I keep telling myself I will get tougher and will fix things. But I never bring myself to actually doing it. I can't change myself.

I have had a few prophesies over the last 6 months and they always seem to have the same message. That Dan and I are a stronger as a couple than apart. That we will succeed together. Which sounds great but I am really struggling to feel it. I feel so separate from him right now. I feel like he's off doing his thing and I am doing mine. I don't feel united. I have no idea how to get us there either. Most days I feel like I'm doing life on my own and not with him. Everything we discuss is just that... talk. No action.

I guess I just have to make small adjustments and hope we get there. Hold out a bit of faith that God knows what he's doing.