Suddenly I was a little girl again. So vivid. So clear as if it was yesterday. The fear, the hurt. It started with memories. what you did, what you said how you behaved. Then it turned to you... and me... I could feel the tension, the sweat trickling down my body. The silent prays begging you to leave my room and let me go back to sleep. Seeing your face turn from love to anger in a matter of seconds. I remember the sigh of relief when you left. Listening to your footsteps down the hall. Hoping they didn't come back.
Then I remembered curling up on the floor, crying out to God to save me. To help me be a better daughter, to not mess up Christmas, Easter or whatever holiday was coming up. It never worked. I always did something wrong. I remember pouring over my bible crying... trying to find comfort, hope and a better person than I felt at that point.
That feeling made me get up out of bed tonight. I'm crying at the memory. I have a headache now similar to the ones I used to get then. Crying out to God to change me because I was the worst daughter in the world. My mother... the woman who loved then cursed me in the same breath. Who dumped on me all her faults and made me believe that they were mine. Who caused me to feel fear and pain as a little girl right through to adulthood. My mother who I love and still look after. I still do what she asks and try to support her like I'm the adult instead of her.
I am still being manipulated by her in some ways. She tried to ring me at 930 tonight. I ignored the call. I make a rule not to answer after 9pm. Then I questioned myself to maybe should I call her back and see if she was ok. Then the memories came to me.
Why haven't they healed? I thought I put it all behind me. I thought I had forgiven her, dealt with it and left it in the past where it belongs. I have moved on... maybe she hasn't. She reminds me all the time that I was a horrible teenager. Maybe I was or maybe I was just reacting to the negative behaviour I was copping from her.
It took a lot of counseling and patience to get where I am now. I still fight with the fears of making the same mistakes with my daughter. But I know in my heart that I am different. That my husband, my friends and God won't let me go down that path. I know I will not cope if I made those mistakes, I really would just fall to pieces.
Picking them up each time they got shattered as a child was hard enough. I would never be able to pick them up now.
I want to erase the memories. I wish I didnt remember how it felt, the look in her eyes and the feeling of hopelessness. She will never admit it. I wish I could tell her how I felt, how I still feel when she talks of me as a child. In her eyes it was still all my fault. She would justify the "discipline" and never admit the verbal abuse. I have to live with the fact that she will never acknowledge that what she did was wrong. I even doubt it myself. I still defend her. I make excuses. I can't be sure of anything. Its a blur because I was a child and I believed everything she said. Even as an adult I thought it was wrong but I couldn't be sure.
The miracle is that I am still loyal. Even though she told me I was the most disloyal in the family. I will still do as she asks and try to keep her happy and included in my life. Even though she never asks me how my life is going. Just how Maddison is. Or if Dan is doing a good enough job at looking after me. In all honestly if she asked me how I was I wouldn't tell her anything anyway. I just keep praying that some day it will change. Some day someone will get through to her and make her see how she pushing us all away. We stay around to see Dad and offer some comfort to him. At least I know my brothers look out for me and each other. We will always be close. They have dealt with some stuff growing up too. They have learnt how to detach themselves from it.
I guess it was time to be honest and say that that still bothers me. I think because my mother is still living in the past where as I'm trying to push it back there and she keeps reminding me that it's there. I have moved on. She is still holding on. So I guess seeing her and talking to her has just brought it all back for me. Because in her life nothing has changed. She is still exactly the same and that scares me. When I know how much I have changed. I would hate to think in 30 years time that I would be the same person. I want to be completely different, stronger and better.
Anyway I really must try and sleep. Headache has gone and memories are put back in their box and God is burying them again. New day tomorrow. I want to make the most of it and rejoice in a new day.
The highs and lows of a wife and mother trying to find her place in the world
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tested
I feel like I'm on trial here. My toddler is cranky, not sleeping, getting over a cold, teething, throwing random tantrums and being exceptionally clingy. What's weird is that's the easiest to deal with.
My husband is working his butt off and getting nowhere, I barely ever see him. I'm feeling pregnant and getting more tired, much slower and am reaching boiling point a hell of a lot faster. I am tired of being ignored for my daughter. Its getting old that my own mother doesn't even acknowledge my existence when Maddison is around. This is minor but when everything else is crashing down its just one more thing that is testing my patience.
I am 25 weeeks pregnant, I have a 21 month old daughter. I do not have the energy to run around after everyone else. I have my own life and own family to cope with.
Today I have a cold. Maddison has just started getting over it and I've got it now. All I wanted to do today was rest and have a quiet day. Not possible. An unexpected visit from my mother in law this morning. Which usually isn't welcomed but she brought me flowers because Dan told her I wasn't feeling well. In exchange for a coffee of course. It was a really nice gesture. And then my mother begged me to help her clean her oven. She would have had me packing if I stuck around long enough but Maddison refused a sleep so I got out of there as soon I could. I just wanted to go home, get angry, cry and sleep. It was just too much.
Instead I spent half an hour trying to unwind, Maddison was quietly playing, until Dan got home. Then I bitched to him for a good 15mins about my day, I fed and bathed Maddison, Dan got her ready for bed then left to do more work. I put her to bed made my dinner and here I am alone, cuddling my cat and still bitching.
No I don't feel better. I feel drained. I just thank God that he made a new day and it has the potential to be better than today. I feel as stretched as I can be right now. My patience is worn, my body is tired. I will try and stop doing all this by myself. I thought I was tough, invincible and able to cope with anything. Its a miracle I'm still standing. God knows my limits and they are a lot higher than I would have guessed. I just have to keep remembering that he didn't make me to do this on my own.
I will succeed... just not today. I have been wanting to climb into a hole this week and be a hermit for a while. People and their expectations are so exhausting.
So a toast to tomorrow, may you be a crap load better than today!!
My husband is working his butt off and getting nowhere, I barely ever see him. I'm feeling pregnant and getting more tired, much slower and am reaching boiling point a hell of a lot faster. I am tired of being ignored for my daughter. Its getting old that my own mother doesn't even acknowledge my existence when Maddison is around. This is minor but when everything else is crashing down its just one more thing that is testing my patience.
I am 25 weeeks pregnant, I have a 21 month old daughter. I do not have the energy to run around after everyone else. I have my own life and own family to cope with.
Today I have a cold. Maddison has just started getting over it and I've got it now. All I wanted to do today was rest and have a quiet day. Not possible. An unexpected visit from my mother in law this morning. Which usually isn't welcomed but she brought me flowers because Dan told her I wasn't feeling well. In exchange for a coffee of course. It was a really nice gesture. And then my mother begged me to help her clean her oven. She would have had me packing if I stuck around long enough but Maddison refused a sleep so I got out of there as soon I could. I just wanted to go home, get angry, cry and sleep. It was just too much.
Instead I spent half an hour trying to unwind, Maddison was quietly playing, until Dan got home. Then I bitched to him for a good 15mins about my day, I fed and bathed Maddison, Dan got her ready for bed then left to do more work. I put her to bed made my dinner and here I am alone, cuddling my cat and still bitching.
No I don't feel better. I feel drained. I just thank God that he made a new day and it has the potential to be better than today. I feel as stretched as I can be right now. My patience is worn, my body is tired. I will try and stop doing all this by myself. I thought I was tough, invincible and able to cope with anything. Its a miracle I'm still standing. God knows my limits and they are a lot higher than I would have guessed. I just have to keep remembering that he didn't make me to do this on my own.
I will succeed... just not today. I have been wanting to climb into a hole this week and be a hermit for a while. People and their expectations are so exhausting.
So a toast to tomorrow, may you be a crap load better than today!!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
He is greater
Today when I woke it was not a good day. My husband left for Stanthorpe at 5am and I knew I would be alone for the whole day with our daughter. Seeing as I was not entirely happy with him I was worried I'd be angry the whole day.
I decided as always to go to our 10am church service. Maddison was exceptionally happy as she always is. I walked into the service early with the intention of making sure I looked happy and everything was fine. But after a little while my friend Hayley got me talking and before I knew it I let out what was upsetting me. It only took one sentence to bring me to tears. I got control of myself and the service was abt to start. So nothing was done to make me feel better at that point. Just a gentle touch on my arm.
At this point I can't really tell if its hormones pulling me out of control or if there is a valid reason to be upset.
We hadn't even gotten into the message yet and there it was. A word. A prayer from the MC. That God is enough. Jesus is the answer to all our problems. He brings peace, breakthrough and wholeness. Well if that wasn't enough to bring back the tears the alter call was.
I don't go up for prayer a lot but this time I had to. God's presence was enough to remind what I have to do. Let him take my heart, my fears and my disappointments and turn them into something awesome.
The message was still incredible. But what stuck me today happened before Ps Gordon got up to preach. Just to be reminded who I am. I don't have to do this alone.
Don't get me wrong, my life is not all of sudden amazing now. I just know that I don't need to figure this out. I don't need to fight. I just need to hand it over and let God take me to place of peace. He has broken my walls of resistance and given me peace and hope for the future.
I no longer feel hopeless and lost, I feel like I can cope, no matter what happens and how horrible I feel. I don't need to know why this happened. I don't need to know how it's going to be fixed. I just need to know that is here and he has plans.
I don't have plans. I can't make my brain work but he has plans. Plans specific. For ME. He knows ME. How I think, how I work, what inspires me, what makes me, me.
What else can I say? He loves me. I am valuable to HIM. My life, ultimately is HIS. Nothing else matters. I am human but he is GOD.
All things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
I decided as always to go to our 10am church service. Maddison was exceptionally happy as she always is. I walked into the service early with the intention of making sure I looked happy and everything was fine. But after a little while my friend Hayley got me talking and before I knew it I let out what was upsetting me. It only took one sentence to bring me to tears. I got control of myself and the service was abt to start. So nothing was done to make me feel better at that point. Just a gentle touch on my arm.
At this point I can't really tell if its hormones pulling me out of control or if there is a valid reason to be upset.
We hadn't even gotten into the message yet and there it was. A word. A prayer from the MC. That God is enough. Jesus is the answer to all our problems. He brings peace, breakthrough and wholeness. Well if that wasn't enough to bring back the tears the alter call was.
I don't go up for prayer a lot but this time I had to. God's presence was enough to remind what I have to do. Let him take my heart, my fears and my disappointments and turn them into something awesome.
The message was still incredible. But what stuck me today happened before Ps Gordon got up to preach. Just to be reminded who I am. I don't have to do this alone.
Don't get me wrong, my life is not all of sudden amazing now. I just know that I don't need to figure this out. I don't need to fight. I just need to hand it over and let God take me to place of peace. He has broken my walls of resistance and given me peace and hope for the future.
I no longer feel hopeless and lost, I feel like I can cope, no matter what happens and how horrible I feel. I don't need to know why this happened. I don't need to know how it's going to be fixed. I just need to know that is here and he has plans.
I don't have plans. I can't make my brain work but he has plans. Plans specific. For ME. He knows ME. How I think, how I work, what inspires me, what makes me, me.
What else can I say? He loves me. I am valuable to HIM. My life, ultimately is HIS. Nothing else matters. I am human but he is GOD.
All things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
It ends tonight
The All-American Rejects - It ends tonight
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.
The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You’re finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain
The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight
Won’t make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you’re blind
It’s better when I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know.
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.
The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You’re finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain
The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight
Won’t make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you’re blind
It’s better when I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know.
I can't fight anymore
My mind has been working in overdrive. I am now exhausted. I can't even begin to explain whats been going on. I try to change things, make suggestions on how to fix things. But either we can't afford to or I feel like I'm wasting time cause they'll never happen.
I make allowances for forgetfulness, needs and obligations yet I am expected to make more. I get my own needs thrown back at me to justify others needs. I am not expected to argue. What's the point anyway. It'll never get through.
There's that 'lack of freedom' feeling again. I will rarely get time away from my daughter. I don't mind so much cause that's my job but having coffee with friends doesn't relax me. I am still keeping an eye on my toddler. So it's not the same as going to movies and hanging out with mates. The focus is always on my child. Therefore resulting in more stress sometimes if she's being difficult. I just would like a little consideration and freedom to feel like a person not someone's mother or wife.
Maybe hormones are screwing me over too. I can't shake this feeling of helplessness. Like wishing something was different but knowing it never will be.
I sacrifice a heap of little things during that day that usually go unnoticed until I have to make an allowance for you to finish doing what your doing before you'll see to our daughter. Sounds petty of me to mention but after a while this is frustrating. I ask you to help so I can finish getting her stuff done but I have to wait for to get yourself sorted and then get myself ready while u do nothing. Some days I desperately need my coffee but I wait until I've fed my daughter before I even think about it. How did this change? From being a selfish person to ignoring my needs to put my family first. I barely even noticed the change until I realised that you haven't changed.
Normally I would feel angry at this point but I just feel tired. Sad. Useless. I don't have the energy to make my point. It hasn't made any difference before. I wish I could muster up enough energy but in truth I don't have it. Others may see me as weak but really... Its easier to stay unhappy for a while than fight with a brick wall. I'm tired of taking punches. I have fought but now I need some time to recoup. To think. To pray. I need some time to adjust my thoughts, re energize and hopefully get back on my feet. So don't ask me what's wrong, don't tell me I'm being unreasonable. Don't agree with everything I say unless you actually plan to make it happen. I can't do everything. In fact right now I can't do anything.
Soon I will be strong. God will energize me but for now.... I can't fight.
I make allowances for forgetfulness, needs and obligations yet I am expected to make more. I get my own needs thrown back at me to justify others needs. I am not expected to argue. What's the point anyway. It'll never get through.
There's that 'lack of freedom' feeling again. I will rarely get time away from my daughter. I don't mind so much cause that's my job but having coffee with friends doesn't relax me. I am still keeping an eye on my toddler. So it's not the same as going to movies and hanging out with mates. The focus is always on my child. Therefore resulting in more stress sometimes if she's being difficult. I just would like a little consideration and freedom to feel like a person not someone's mother or wife.
Maybe hormones are screwing me over too. I can't shake this feeling of helplessness. Like wishing something was different but knowing it never will be.
I sacrifice a heap of little things during that day that usually go unnoticed until I have to make an allowance for you to finish doing what your doing before you'll see to our daughter. Sounds petty of me to mention but after a while this is frustrating. I ask you to help so I can finish getting her stuff done but I have to wait for to get yourself sorted and then get myself ready while u do nothing. Some days I desperately need my coffee but I wait until I've fed my daughter before I even think about it. How did this change? From being a selfish person to ignoring my needs to put my family first. I barely even noticed the change until I realised that you haven't changed.
Normally I would feel angry at this point but I just feel tired. Sad. Useless. I don't have the energy to make my point. It hasn't made any difference before. I wish I could muster up enough energy but in truth I don't have it. Others may see me as weak but really... Its easier to stay unhappy for a while than fight with a brick wall. I'm tired of taking punches. I have fought but now I need some time to recoup. To think. To pray. I need some time to adjust my thoughts, re energize and hopefully get back on my feet. So don't ask me what's wrong, don't tell me I'm being unreasonable. Don't agree with everything I say unless you actually plan to make it happen. I can't do everything. In fact right now I can't do anything.
Soon I will be strong. God will energize me but for now.... I can't fight.
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