Some days I have no idea where it comes. But a moment when I have the right words to say to make a difference. Some insight to what is going on in someone elses world. Where the emotions of anger or hurt have gone and is replaced with compassion and sadness.
This doesnt happen often so when it does I harness it and remember it and pray for the right moment to deliver it. It is the moment when I forget myself and work to save another person.
This person is my mother. This pain is watching every Christmas her getting depressed and hiding away from everyone. Is random phone calls begging me to come over and cheer her up and when I can't switching to "I'm German, I can take care of myself, I am fine, dont worry abt me." For as long I can remember I hated Christmas. It was a time where I knew that I would be getting in trouble for doing something wrong and wrecking it for everyone. When in actually fact it wasnt me. I think it was the guilt passed onto me.
Even now I dread doing family dinners because it feels like we are pretending to be a happy family when no one actually wants to be there. So sad.
Anyway I will try my best to make the best day for Maddison and Dan. Because they deserve it. I hope I will get the opportunity to speak words of wisdom into my Mum's heart to snap her out of her misery. Remind her although Granddad died early this month, several years ago, Each year we lose her again and again because of it.
The highs and lows of a wife and mother trying to find her place in the world
