My beautiful girl

Today I feel like the luckiest person alive. I have a gorgeous nearly 5mth old daughter, who is the happiest most content baby. Every time I look at her, she gives me the biggest grin. She is content to lie on the floor and play, or sit on my lap and make cute noises, and most of the time when I put her to bed she goes right off to sleep without a fuss. Like I said, perfect baby... almost

She had a screaming tantrum the last couple of afternoons. I put her down she cried which turned into a heartbreaking scream! Only thing that would maker her stop was to pick her up. After nearly an hour of Dan sitting with her, patting her and trying to calm her down, I said I would take over for a while. (can I just say I'm proud of my husband. That is the longest he's spent with her while she was screaming, normally he would give up and walk out and let me deal with it.) I gave her my finger to suck on and started to sing. She quietened immediately. Less than 5mins she was nodding off. A pure miracle. I wondered why I hadn't thought of that before. Normally she would tire herself out quicker than that. The next afternoon she started again, only this time nothing would settle her. So I gave up. She wanted to up and social. So I fingered, why not? She had 2 good morning sleeps, she's happy enough, so I let her stay up. Parenting is hard, there are all these ways of doing things and then you have to work out which way is best for you... It is really hard!

So today, I will be playing it by ear. Paying close attention to her and hoping we can avoid that screaming match, because after an hour of that you really just want to scream right back at her!

Although after all is said and done when she wakes up with her head where her feet be and a massive smile on her face, all is forgiven and forgotten.

God Stuff

I had a great time last night at church. I'm excited to be back singing. :)

Anyway, this morning I made a conscience effort to spend some quality time with God. I feel guilty for neglecting Him during the week. You could say I have an excuse but with the amount of time I waste on facebook, I could just dedicate some of that time on my creator. Something Gru said last night stuck in my head, about being in prayer all day. I used to talk to God all the time. (It was better than talking to my myself) I would tell him about everything that was on my mind. Sometimes I would hear him tell me something othertimes it was just the comfort of knowing that he was listening. I want to be back in that closeness with him. I've also noticed the lack of talking about God with friends. At least on my end. I havent had any really in depth discussions about him. I really miss that.

Something else I was reading, about peace. I can tell you know that I'm am not at peace now. Between the stuff going on with my family, my husband's family and our own marriage. Nothing is peaceful! I need to take a step back and stop looking at the situations in a human way. To step back and see the bigger picture to see what God sees. I just want to hit pause and assess the image. I hate being caught up in the middle of the storm. It's draining, emotional and almost always makes things worse. I need some perspective. I need some hope. Everything is a blur...

I wish I was like my Dad, he's calm, doesnt show emotion and keeps things in perspective. Everyone loves and respects him.

Well I think thats all I can say right now... my mind is a little clearer. As clear as it can be with only 5hrs sleep.

Alone

Yes I have a night to myself. I should have been doing something else but I decided I needed sometime to be alone. I really thought we had some stuff worked out. A house, not just any house, a brand new one. But no. we cant afford it. I have to go to work to afford it. I dont want to work! I dont want to deal with the people I worked so hard to detach from.. yes I love them but I just dont want to work with them. I dont want to miss out on anything with my daughter. I want to be there for everything, I think she deserves that. I dont want to be like my mother. I love her but I want to be a better mother.

I feel like I'm fighting for a lost cause. When does a husband know how to be a husband, when does a father know he is a father? I am trying to be fair... but I'm failing... my patience is wearing thin. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, of trying to explain... 3 yrs and not much has changed. Where does it end? I wont walk away but I sure as hell want to

Inspiration

Well, I havent written in a while.. I am inspired by a close friend to write... but what to say? Everything in my world seems less important and even meaningless compared to my friends life. Well that explains everything doesnt it. Comparing. Thats what i do and always have done. I only hope to God that I dont do that to my children.

Well we have a huge change coming our way which i hope will be a really good thing and will hopefully inspire some changes and improve our quality of life. If it doesnt than we're in big trouble.

Since I have nothing really to say now I'll sign off.

Frustration

My back hurts, we make a physio appointment, we dont have a car, we dont check the night before that we can borrow a car. We cancel the appointment, we now have to pay a fee for canceling to late... I have a grumpy baby, who will only settle in my arms or in the sling which puts more strain on my back! My husband has a ps3 game he cant stop playing. He's not working so he plays all day. Great help. He has excuses why he cant work for his dad, then when have no money he will complain... ITS... ALL... MY... FAULT. Dan has a sister who has abt as much consideration as a cow. Yes I will be staying, no i wont tell you that I'm not now, I have made other plans.

I am so over living here as well as being married. I should have just stayed at uni up the coast enjoying life.

The men

Men need to grow up and be men, husbands and fathers. not boys with toys. Take some responsibility and show some interest to the ones who love you. Work hard and be there...

Oh to write again

Well my first go at writing again. It's been a long time. I used to write short stories, poems, started several novels which have never been finished and then I stopped. Lost my inspiration due to an incident in my childhood. Forgive my shaky start but here will be the beginning of sorting out my messed up mind and feelings. Hope it all goes well.

xo