To write

I have been recently advised to get back into writing and taking care to what I write and what spin to put on it. I used to write well. Now I'm struggling to put into words whats going on in my head.

Firstly I am 21 weeks pregnant. Which is a struggling in itself to focus on anything for any length of time. I have an almost 20 week old who is struggling to grasp how to grow up and what's happening in her little mind. I have a husband who is out of work and struggling to find motivation. I have a family who is quite frank in their opinions of what's going on my life and I have inlaws who just want to know everything and think that that will help us.

I know I am blessed with incredible friends and family that will do whatever they can to make life easier for me but its not always what I need or want. Truth is I don't know what I want. I can't find the line between being mum, wife and myself. My first priority is mum because Maddison needs my attention, which then sometimes comes between being wife that disturbs the balance of Dan's needs and the general housekeeping needs. Then you add in interfering families and that takes away from quality family time.

So what to do? I need to find hobbies that I can just pick up and do when I have a bit of time to myself that are constructive and relaxing. Also things I can do at home that won't disturb Maddison's routine. I came up with a few ideas and although they are not overly expensive, we need to hold onto the money we have because we have no idea when the next pay will come in. So I really in the same boat I was in before except know I know what I want and I can't get it. I think it's almost worse than not having any ideas. Now they are dangling in front of me and I can't just take them!

So I have no choice but to struggle through the next few months, try and keep on top of everything and somehow stay positive that everything will work out. I will watch my husband go out and have fun with his mates while I sit here wondering what to do with myself and try not to think about the negative, angry thoughts that keep threatening the delicate balance in my mind.

What I will say is that I know that I would not be able to cope without my amazing creator. God is holding that balance in my head. I am just fighting myself to keep from taking it from him. I am learning to be understanding and patient. To not resent Dan for being able to choose his activities so easily and understanding that he needs that time to cope with his own thoughts and needs.

I love my God and as long as he is here with me I can get through anything. Expect more blogs from me. Seeing as that was one the suggestions that will help keep me on track and maybe even give someone else hope.

Today

Today is gloomy to match my mood. Something is wrong and I don't know what it is. I can't fix it, I can't explain it and I just wish it would go away. It feels very familiar and all I want to do is have a drink to forget it. So much for doctors knowing how to fix these things.

I'm hoping it's just boredom. We will be going away soon for a week, maybe that will help. If it doesn't I guess I will just have to keep racking my brains for an answer and losing myself in books to stay distracted.

It sucks. Plain and simple. I don't know ME anymore. I'm sure this not it. But it might be...