Who am I?

Was I really there?
Did I imagine it?
Made it out worse than it really was?
Did I exaggerate?
In the time when everything seemed warped.

Life felt hard... was it really or was it because I perceived it to be?
In a different light, would life have been different?
Would I have coped better?

I wonder sometimes. Did I make it up because I was a drama queen? Or was it real.
I brush it off now because I think it wasn't that bad... But was it? Do I have cause to be damaged or an I overreacting?

Time wasted on working out who I am... what I think, how I have changed, if I have changed. Am I better or am I slipping? Is life really ok now...

I ask you again... who am I really?

Am I as strong as you perceive? Does it look like I have everything under control?
Do I look like a reasonable person?

I feel like things are spinning out of control. What scares me most is that I have two little girls relying on me. I can't fail. I refuse to fail when I feel like I was failed... Sure I was loved... I am still loved but it won't cover the scars.

It's like it never happened... that's why I don't know if it was that bad. Things feel worse when your young. I can't step foot in that house without feeling some pain... or just memories... yet I can walk in and pretend that nothing happened and that it's all ok... I guess maybe it is all ok. The feeling has dulled slightly. It is a bit blurry... so maybe it didn't happen at all.

I know my mind plays tricks on me sometimes. I just wish I could stay focused on the now. See what I am now and improve on that instead of remembering what I was. Wish it was that easy...

Why am I so negative about things. It makes life so much harder for us! I thought I already learned that lesson. Guess not...

Feels like a big step backwards.

So whoever reads this... I really want to know... Who am I?

For those who read this... Please comment. I need help!

From about October to mid November I start getting excited about Christmas. I think of how great it will be for my 2 girls and what fun we will have creating our own traditions. Then in the month before it I start getting stressed. Not about the usual things... About whether our family will be ok with our choices of how we want to spend Christmas and who we want to spend it with... Every year since we have been married we have argued and stressed about this. FIVE YEARS... I won't even go into the years before that... Lets just say I dreaded Christmas.

It all sounds pretty basic that we should be strong, have our Christmas how we want it and just let our families know how we want it and that should be that.

I wish...

I thought I was the one with strong will, well my husband outranks me! He has stood firmer than I ever knew he would against his own family for the sake of ours... I am proud. Me, on the other hand, have been soo stressed that I would rather give in and make everyone else happy for the sake of avoiding ruining someone else's Christmas rather than fighting for the rights to my own happiness. At first I was angry but now I just want to feel some peace and to stop thinking, second guessing my decision and just feeling hopeless!

We tried to compromise but it still wasn't good enough. I don't know why it is soo damn hard to accept the fact that we would like to spend Christmas day by ourselves without anyone 'dropping in, quickly' We will attend the church service on Christmas day and invited both sets of parents along to see us on the day but then go our separate ways but that wasn't good enough!

I don't want to give in but I am so tired of thinking about this and watching it unfold each day with more comments, frustrations and arguments. I feel bad as it is I don't want to cop anymore before we get to the day...

I just want a happy day for my girls. Just for one year I would like to look forward to it and be completely satisfied that it will go well. And just stress about normal things like if our kids will like the presents we give them and generally enjoy the day.

I want to be able to make a decision without feeling guilty if someone else doesn't like it! I want to feel like I am an adult, a mother, a reasonable person and even a nice person. I thought I deserved respect, tolerance and acceptance...

Apparently not.

I'm terrible at this blogging thing. I don't post all that often. Some days I really want to but I get distracted. I know the only one benefiting here is me. With so much in my head I don't know where to start.

Today is good news though. I'm excited. I have served on my church worship team for at least 5 years now and they are still asking me when I'm coming back since I took some time off to have my baby. When I show my surprise on how keen they are to have me back they just tell me that I'm great... Never thought I would ever hear those words about my singing.

Understand that I am such an introvert. I can't even imagine how I managed to get up on stage in the first place. I song lead at youth and ran our older peoples worship. I couldn't have done that without God. I love what I do but I'm scared of big changes. I want new opportunities but I'm terrified of when they come...

Just when I have been wondering if I should return to music and doubted myself that things happens. Just when I wasn't sure if I could actually go back God dangles someting new and exciting in front of me! I don't know what it is but having my Music Pastor tell me she wants to have coffee with me to discuss music in 2012.

I really can't wait to find out what God has in store for me next year :)

I'm not ok

I decided a long time ago who I wanted to be. I think it's what everyone wants to be... I wanted to stay the same person regardless of who I'm with. I wanted to accept people for they are, be understanding in tough situations and supportive. I wanted to be calm, patient and wise.

Pfft... who was I kidding?

Then I had kids...

To start with my only issue was getting along with other adults, trying to be a friend and give support instead of just looking for it myself. Maybe I have achieved that.

But now I have to relearn how to be a good person... a good mother to my girls. It's a whole new ball game this parenting thing. I happen to be good at ball games but this one I have no idea how to play!

My mother said to me just yesterday that I should know how to play these games with kids because I worked with them for a few years, but she's wrong. Your own kids are totally different dynamic to a roomful of other peoples kids.

I have taught my 2 year old how to yell at me... unintentionally of course. I started yelling at her. A BIG MISTAKE! Mummy fail no. 1. I'm pretty sure I've messed up more than that but my memory has purposly blocked it out. That's just one example of me not thinking my actions through. The results are disastrous!
Its hard enough for me to 'unlearn' something. It's IMPOSSIBLE for a toddler.

I come up with good solutions some days but the next day it doesn't work. She's moved onto the next thing... The hardest part about all this is that not only is this child running me around, frustrating me, I have a 4 month old who has just decided she doesn't like me leaving her sight! I know this because when I come into view she cracks the biggest smile as if to say 'Good your back now stay here!'

Everyone knows women can multitask but this is a big ask. And of course they all want something at the exact same time and can't possible wait another second!

The moments when Maddison gently grabs my face, looks me in the eyes and says 'mummy' just melts my heart. All is forgiven at that moment. Even though I know 10 seconds later she'll be doing something else she shouldn't. I grasp hold of those gorgeous moments. When my baby Sarah is crying and I pick her up and she coos and gives me the biggest smile, you can't help but smile back. Those precious, bright blue eyes melt every stranger that steals a glance into them.

I know how precious my children are and of course I wouldn't swap them for anything but people don't realise just how hard it is to get through some days. They just say, "But it's worth it," and "but your doing a great job". Although sometimes that helps. Most times it doesn't. I still feel like I'm drowning and becoming less human when I can barely control my frustration and helplessness.

I will sit here and tell you I'm fine and yes it'll pass and I'll survive, I always do. But I am doubting myself, getting angry that I can't be stronger and just wishing I was a better person. Which results in someone else copping my insecurity and then it turns onto a fight about how rude I am and how I was inappropriate when all I need is some understanding and space. That issue is all for another day...

So I'm not a good friend now. I am sleep deprived and taking on too many other issues when all I want to do is focus on my family... not the extended family... just mine. Treasure the moments that don't last nearly long enough.

In saying that I am longing to be something other than Mum. I have been asked several times when I will be returning to the music team. I would drop everything and go back now but I don't think my husband will appreciate that. I am desperate to get back to doing something for me. Even to the point of considering weaning Sarah at 6mths. But that still leaves my husband to cope with the both of them and judging by my recent attempts it never goes well. Let alone getting them both to church on time... As usual I will just have to wait.

I'm sure one day I will feel more human

Delete

I am thinking of deleting this blog. I cant seem to write what I should... It always feels so negative. Or maybe its just that I'm never truly happy anymore...

I think to much, speak to little and generally can't cope with it. I'm fighting my own mind. My intentions, my ability to be a decent human being. I feel little blurry.

One thing that has become clear lately though. My family are proud of me... Apparently I am doing well in their eyes. It was a misconception to think that it make everything feel better to have my family's support and love. In fact because of the circumstances it has actually put more pressure on me.

So in trying to take on board my family's support, keep my in-laws happy and be fair to my husband I feel a tad stretched. Not to mention look after a 2 year old and 11 week old. Oh and of course keep up with the housework, groceries, and washing. Life of a housewife I know. So I'm not complaining. Just pointing out that I'm stretched. The only thing I'm not doing is exercising (which is bugging me) and serving in church. I desperately want to go back to singing. I guess the things I want the most are pushed aside for my family.

I will say I'm so glad my evil child has turned back into a princess. I haven't copped a tantrum in at least a week and am thrilled! Except that I had an unsettled, sick baby for a few days. I'm not sure which was worse. At least it wasnt all at the same time.

I miss God. I am going church but I really miss his presence. I seem to always be the parents room, feeding. I haven't spent time in worship for I dont know how long. I feel it. I'm missing something. My life, heart and soul is not whole. I wish I could just get back there...

I guess that's the essence of what I feel I'm missing. I've lost it somewhere... Life has got away with me. I feel empty and everything I have tried to fill it with hasn't made a difference. I need to find my creator again.

Maybe I won't delete this just yet.... by writing I have just worked out why I feel so out of it... That was what this blog's purpose was. And to hopefully give some hope to those who read it. If anyone actually does..

Learning to Fall

I've heard it said a million times that I should hold on tight to Jesus
But I took this road so far from home and distance came between us
When I walked away I knew one day I'd need your grace


So now you'll find me on my knees surrendering
cause I know that I'm really not so strong
And now been fighting for control
Lord you can have this life that I've been holding for so long
I'm learning to fall
Let my world crumble

You ran so fast to rescue me while I was barely breathing
You picked me up, You touched my face
And I began to see more clearly
Though I'm such a disgrace you still forgave
And your love remains

Take me as an offering I surrender everything
No more living without you

'The Beautiful Republic'

This song is my inspiration at the moment.

Although right now I feel as though my world is falling around ankles.
I feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden. The sudden realisation that I am a mother of two now... That life is going to be very different.

I suddenly really miss the things I was doing before I had this baby. Going back to sleepless nights and breastfeeding, a niggling fear that something bad could happen to this tiny baby. That because my patience is non existent I may do something harsh to my 2 year old. It's so much harder to stay calm, in control and relaxed. I can barely stay positive and focused on what I should be doing. I fear my mind will let me down. Not to mention finances and relationship issues.

I know it's stuff I shouldn't stress about. I question my ability as a mother and as a wife. I keep telling myself I will get tougher and will fix things. But I never bring myself to actually doing it. I can't change myself.

I have had a few prophesies over the last 6 months and they always seem to have the same message. That Dan and I are a stronger as a couple than apart. That we will succeed together. Which sounds great but I am really struggling to feel it. I feel so separate from him right now. I feel like he's off doing his thing and I am doing mine. I don't feel united. I have no idea how to get us there either. Most days I feel like I'm doing life on my own and not with him. Everything we discuss is just that... talk. No action.

I guess I just have to make small adjustments and hope we get there. Hold out a bit of faith that God knows what he's doing.

Blurred Line

The lines that clearly defined my existence and held my thoughts together have been so horribly blurred. I don't remember my head being so messed up. This time I can't blame a chemical imbalance. It's gone further than that. I could maybe blame pregnancy. But I don't think that's it either.

I cant finish this blog right now. I know no one reads it anyway. So I'll get back it to later.

The easiest thing I've done all day

I was considering writing about what has been frustrating me... then I stopped and felt like I needed to kneel at God's alter. I even pictured me doing it. So I turned down the lights, put on some worship music and made my own alter in my lounge room.

I haven't done that in ages and I used to do it all the time. It was my connection with God. I was expecting to be chastised and collapsing in tears. Which is what normally happens followed by repentance and prayer. Instead all I felt was a stillness in my heart and mind. Peace and love. Instead of being exhausted and calm. I am just feeling warm, loved and peaceful. Half an hour is all it took. Normally it would be much longer.

I didn't have to tell Him what I have been so stressed about. Didn't need to justify my actions, emotions or thoughts. It was like He just said "I know' He took it all. I didn't have to say a thing. He knows. I know He knows. He just reminded me who I am. A worshiper. I don't have to be anything else. When I come to His alter I strip away all my labels and just become a worshiper.

Wow... I forgot what I was made for. I forgot to be who I am. I forgot that I just need to spend a moment in his presence. I don't have to beg Him for anything. He's already given it me.

It wasn't hard. In fact it was the easiest thing I've done all day. It only a minute to find His presence. Now it will linger for the rest of the night.

All I can say is thank you God for knowing what I need... when I have no idea.

Gipped

I hate it when you realise you've been ripped off. For something that at the time just didn't matter. Looking back you really think how unfair it actually was. I don't like dwelling on the past but this wasn't fair especially from the person that is supposed to put you first and love you unconditionally.

My husband's birthday and mine are 3 days apart. So that in itself can be a problem. I turned 25 this year. We didn't have a lot of money. Dan found what he wanted for his birthday. A HD recorder. I said fine when he promised to spend on me what he spent. So he got his present late but he got what he wanted. Then he managed to get my anniversary bangle fixed. It had been broken for a while now. That was it. Now his Mum thought it was the best present to buy him skirmish vouchers. But he still has to pay for extra paint balls which i might add are not cheap. So he gets a day with his mates plus a few hundred dollars spending money. While I got stuck with an $80 repaired bangle.

Normally this kinda stuff doesnt bother me all that much because its just material stuff but we are struggling at the moment so this really pisses me off. I started sorting through clothes and things for this baby that's due in 5 weeks and realised I need to buy some stuff. We are not going to have money for that. I will have to just take it where I can because Dan will tell me to wait and say we can't afford it. I still need to buy a few things for myself but again we don't have the money. This makes me uncontrollably mad. I don't know what to do except ask my Mum for money for the things we need while my husband spends money on the things he wants.

This is not the first time. I have had discussions about this on my first mothers day and at Christmas where he spent money that was given to the both of us, on himself. It seems to be a recurring thing. He has also spent my tax return on bills.

I will admit that he did organise a massive night out for me for a birthday. I really appreciated him for that. But lately things just seems to be all about him.
I love him to death but I am so frustrated at double standards that he lives by. After having to grow up with double standards, it gets a bit repetitive.

So while I'm not working and getting any sort of income. I feel a tad useless and am racking my brains for a solution. To get through to him and to afford the things we need for our growing family. I feel like I'm the only one trying to look after us. No doubt there are times he's gone without. I just don't think it adds ups.

I wish this wasn't such a negative blog but I need to get it out of my head. It'll only make me more mad and stressed. I pray that he sees sense and starts being fair. Thats all I'm asking for. I don't think that's unreasonably.

Silence

I have stayed silent. I wanted to talk but I said nothing. I pretend there is nothing but there is something wrong. I have processed, thought, racked my brain for a solution, strategy or just peace and I have not found it. The advice I keep getting is talk talk talk but I have talked... I have pleaded... I have cried and I have yelled. Nothing changes. Maybe it changes for a week. Then its the same again.

I am scared. If I demand too much I will turn into my mother and be overbearing and horrible and one day he will resent me for it. I don't want to be that. But I have no idea what else to do.

I am emotional, I am tired, I am frustrated and I feel helpless. I can't make him understand but things can't stay the same. I don't see them changing anytime soon. I know we are stressed about work and money but neglecting everything else is not a solution.

I am worried that this second baby is not going to help, in fact I almost think it'll make things worse. I don't know how I will cope. I will power on like I normally do I guess...

I have retreated... You demand things of me that I don't want to give. My energy is gone. I do not want to be guilted into giving you what you want. I can't do it anymore. My love tank is empty and I know I should be giving out of choice... Out of God's love tank. I wish I could. I need the strength to choose. I don't believe your words, your actions are speaking louder. I wish they were telling me different things.

I will stay silent for now. Seek God's words of wisdom because human words aren't working. I need to pray and trust that God will provide me with the strength and power I need to choose to love. I have been doing it all on my own and stupidly I have not gotten anywhere. I stand humbled at your throne God and cast my worries on you and trust that you have greater strength and wisdom and you promised that what you put together stays together. Forgive me not giving you my heart completely. I am sorry. I kneel with a repentant heart. Amen

Never Let You Go

Your love will never fail me
Your name it calms my every sea
Forever, my King, forever
My God is bigger than the storm
Beat down death, won the war
Forever, King, forever

Your leaning with me through the bends
You carry me, when I give in

When my seas are raging, no I'm not letting go,
If my heart is caving you hold me up with the cross
When my colour's fading, you paint me with your love
Oh my fear has hit the ground, I see through the storm.

I'll never let you go

Joe Pringle and Jake Sweetman 2010


This song has been stuck in my head since it was introduced at church. So that's a couple of weeks now. I guess it reminds me of who I am and who is in control.

I have been thinking a lot about things. Since my husband mentioned the 'hypothetical' hobbies he would like to do and explained how much he needed them, it got me thinking about my own hobbies. Or lack of them.

I have been stubborn to keep on playing tennis because it's really the only hobby I have left. I should probably stop but I enjoy it too much and I haven't really hurt myself yet. It does just take a couple of days for the soreness of my back and legs to settle down.

So thinking of hobbies again I know if I mention them to my husband he will cringe and tell me we don't have the money. All I really want is to try my hand at painting or possibly knitting animals. I have done both before and it's something that I can just pick up when I have the time. But I have held off on both because of 'money'.

So how can I justify allowing my mechanic of a husband go back to playing with his celica that he spent 5 long years and God knows how much money on, only to sell everything except the shell, to start rebuilding it for a weekend toy... Somehow I think 3 cars on the road is a bit overkill, not to mention expensive and impractical.

Yet I can't stop him. why does he stop me? Or maybe I just allow him to stop me because there are more important things to be concerned with than my hobbies. I will admit though that he has been working super hard and picking up cash jobs and working nearly every sat to keep food on the table. (which is a stupid expression because I haven't gone for a decent grocery shop for about 3 weeks now!) I have to allow him some pleasure. Although days like today makes me feel like I'm missing out on something.

Maybe I just need a new perspective. Or I just need to suck it up and take what life throws at me. I'm getting tired, worried that I have less than 7 weeks till my baby's due and we haven't sorted the nursery out of bought a carseat... My bag isn't packed and I can't move anything around to get started on the house. I feel so useless. I clean, the next day its dirty, I wash and fold and then his clean clothes stay in the basket till the next washing day! My days have no meaning anymore! No sense of achievement. Everything just looks it did the day before!

I shouldn't complain. It's just how life is. I chose to be a stay at home mum and a housewife. I just wish I felt some satisfaction out of it.

I think Jesus must feel like this sometimes. He died for people and all they do is complain and blame him! Maybe some appreciation towards him will put my life back into perpective. He sacrificed the most. He understands how much mothers sacrifice for their families. It feels like we give up out freedom yet God gave it back to us.

At least someone truly understands what it means to be a mother and to give all that you have. We may not physically give our lives to our family but we give everything else. God gave the ultimate sacrifice for people who don't love him, or even believe he is real.... How mind blowing is that....

Am I doing something worthwhile?

Expectations. I hate them some days. I'm tired of worrying about not meeting them. Being concerned about offending people. I'm tired of caring. Some people like making sure I know that I've upset them. I hear indirectly of course. Then it makes me feel bad for reacting. Like I have to always defend myself in my own house. I have to explain myself all the time. I can't just be left alone. I have to behave how they would expect me to behave. It would just be easier if they told me to my face that I was being rude. I can handle that. I can't handle hearing it from someone else. Then I over analyze, feel guilty, reassess myself and try and come to terms with who I am.

I could blame it on hormones but I don't. I don't know who I react the way I do. I'm just tired of trying to justify it or force myself to behave differently just so I don't make someone else feel bad. She makes me feel bad. Turning up on my doorstep. Always catching me when I'm not coping the best.

I have to make it look like I'm in control and I'm coping well. Otherwise I feel like I'm being diagnosed or needing some sort of help when I really just need to be left alone. At least Dan understands me. He knows when to just leave me to calm down.

So now I'm just feeling lazy. Wishing I can do something useful, something that will help us. Dan is considering taking on a second job to help us get by. I feel guilty. I can't work. Actually I dont really want to. Which makes it worse. There isn't anything I can do to help us financially. I feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile. There are Mum's out there doing stuff, earning money.... I'm sitting on my butt feeling bad. I guess I'm feeling rather selfish. I have no goals, ambitions, hobbies. i'm not putting anything into the lives around me except complaining about my life. How sad. I really don't know what to do about it. I guess I'll work it out.

I am going to bake some stuff so that it looks like I've done something worthwhile today. I wish I could do more. But I dont have the energy to do more.

I'm sure God has plans for me I just need an indication for what they are. Some hope and reassurance that I'm not wasting my life.

Memories

Suddenly I was a little girl again. So vivid. So clear as if it was yesterday. The fear, the hurt. It started with memories. what you did, what you said how you behaved. Then it turned to you... and me... I could feel the tension, the sweat trickling down my body. The silent prays begging you to leave my room and let me go back to sleep. Seeing your face turn from love to anger in a matter of seconds. I remember the sigh of relief when you left. Listening to your footsteps down the hall. Hoping they didn't come back.

Then I remembered curling up on the floor, crying out to God to save me. To help me be a better daughter, to not mess up Christmas, Easter or whatever holiday was coming up. It never worked. I always did something wrong. I remember pouring over my bible crying... trying to find comfort, hope and a better person than I felt at that point.

That feeling made me get up out of bed tonight. I'm crying at the memory. I have a headache now similar to the ones I used to get then. Crying out to God to change me because I was the worst daughter in the world. My mother... the woman who loved then cursed me in the same breath. Who dumped on me all her faults and made me believe that they were mine. Who caused me to feel fear and pain as a little girl right through to adulthood. My mother who I love and still look after. I still do what she asks and try to support her like I'm the adult instead of her.

I am still being manipulated by her in some ways. She tried to ring me at 930 tonight. I ignored the call. I make a rule not to answer after 9pm. Then I questioned myself to maybe should I call her back and see if she was ok. Then the memories came to me.

Why haven't they healed? I thought I put it all behind me. I thought I had forgiven her, dealt with it and left it in the past where it belongs. I have moved on... maybe she hasn't. She reminds me all the time that I was a horrible teenager. Maybe I was or maybe I was just reacting to the negative behaviour I was copping from her.

It took a lot of counseling and patience to get where I am now. I still fight with the fears of making the same mistakes with my daughter. But I know in my heart that I am different. That my husband, my friends and God won't let me go down that path. I know I will not cope if I made those mistakes, I really would just fall to pieces.

Picking them up each time they got shattered as a child was hard enough. I would never be able to pick them up now.

I want to erase the memories. I wish I didnt remember how it felt, the look in her eyes and the feeling of hopelessness. She will never admit it. I wish I could tell her how I felt, how I still feel when she talks of me as a child. In her eyes it was still all my fault. She would justify the "discipline" and never admit the verbal abuse. I have to live with the fact that she will never acknowledge that what she did was wrong. I even doubt it myself. I still defend her. I make excuses. I can't be sure of anything. Its a blur because I was a child and I believed everything she said. Even as an adult I thought it was wrong but I couldn't be sure.

The miracle is that I am still loyal. Even though she told me I was the most disloyal in the family. I will still do as she asks and try to keep her happy and included in my life. Even though she never asks me how my life is going. Just how Maddison is. Or if Dan is doing a good enough job at looking after me. In all honestly if she asked me how I was I wouldn't tell her anything anyway. I just keep praying that some day it will change. Some day someone will get through to her and make her see how she pushing us all away. We stay around to see Dad and offer some comfort to him. At least I know my brothers look out for me and each other. We will always be close. They have dealt with some stuff growing up too. They have learnt how to detach themselves from it.

I guess it was time to be honest and say that that still bothers me. I think because my mother is still living in the past where as I'm trying to push it back there and she keeps reminding me that it's there. I have moved on. She is still holding on. So I guess seeing her and talking to her has just brought it all back for me. Because in her life nothing has changed. She is still exactly the same and that scares me. When I know how much I have changed. I would hate to think in 30 years time that I would be the same person. I want to be completely different, stronger and better.

Anyway I really must try and sleep. Headache has gone and memories are put back in their box and God is burying them again. New day tomorrow. I want to make the most of it and rejoice in a new day.

Tested

I feel like I'm on trial here. My toddler is cranky, not sleeping, getting over a cold, teething, throwing random tantrums and being exceptionally clingy. What's weird is that's the easiest to deal with.

My husband is working his butt off and getting nowhere, I barely ever see him. I'm feeling pregnant and getting more tired, much slower and am reaching boiling point a hell of a lot faster. I am tired of being ignored for my daughter. Its getting old that my own mother doesn't even acknowledge my existence when Maddison is around. This is minor but when everything else is crashing down its just one more thing that is testing my patience.

I am 25 weeeks pregnant, I have a 21 month old daughter. I do not have the energy to run around after everyone else. I have my own life and own family to cope with.

Today I have a cold. Maddison has just started getting over it and I've got it now. All I wanted to do today was rest and have a quiet day. Not possible. An unexpected visit from my mother in law this morning. Which usually isn't welcomed but she brought me flowers because Dan told her I wasn't feeling well. In exchange for a coffee of course. It was a really nice gesture. And then my mother begged me to help her clean her oven. She would have had me packing if I stuck around long enough but Maddison refused a sleep so I got out of there as soon I could. I just wanted to go home, get angry, cry and sleep. It was just too much.

Instead I spent half an hour trying to unwind, Maddison was quietly playing, until Dan got home. Then I bitched to him for a good 15mins about my day, I fed and bathed Maddison, Dan got her ready for bed then left to do more work. I put her to bed made my dinner and here I am alone, cuddling my cat and still bitching.

No I don't feel better. I feel drained. I just thank God that he made a new day and it has the potential to be better than today. I feel as stretched as I can be right now. My patience is worn, my body is tired. I will try and stop doing all this by myself. I thought I was tough, invincible and able to cope with anything. Its a miracle I'm still standing. God knows my limits and they are a lot higher than I would have guessed. I just have to keep remembering that he didn't make me to do this on my own.

I will succeed... just not today. I have been wanting to climb into a hole this week and be a hermit for a while. People and their expectations are so exhausting.

So a toast to tomorrow, may you be a crap load better than today!!

He is greater

Today when I woke it was not a good day. My husband left for Stanthorpe at 5am and I knew I would be alone for the whole day with our daughter. Seeing as I was not entirely happy with him I was worried I'd be angry the whole day.

I decided as always to go to our 10am church service. Maddison was exceptionally happy as she always is. I walked into the service early with the intention of making sure I looked happy and everything was fine. But after a little while my friend Hayley got me talking and before I knew it I let out what was upsetting me. It only took one sentence to bring me to tears. I got control of myself and the service was abt to start. So nothing was done to make me feel better at that point. Just a gentle touch on my arm.

At this point I can't really tell if its hormones pulling me out of control or if there is a valid reason to be upset.

We hadn't even gotten into the message yet and there it was. A word. A prayer from the MC. That God is enough. Jesus is the answer to all our problems. He brings peace, breakthrough and wholeness. Well if that wasn't enough to bring back the tears the alter call was.

I don't go up for prayer a lot but this time I had to. God's presence was enough to remind what I have to do. Let him take my heart, my fears and my disappointments and turn them into something awesome.

The message was still incredible. But what stuck me today happened before Ps Gordon got up to preach. Just to be reminded who I am. I don't have to do this alone.

Don't get me wrong, my life is not all of sudden amazing now. I just know that I don't need to figure this out. I don't need to fight. I just need to hand it over and let God take me to place of peace. He has broken my walls of resistance and given me peace and hope for the future.

I no longer feel hopeless and lost, I feel like I can cope, no matter what happens and how horrible I feel. I don't need to know why this happened. I don't need to know how it's going to be fixed. I just need to know that is here and he has plans.
I don't have plans. I can't make my brain work but he has plans. Plans specific. For ME. He knows ME. How I think, how I work, what inspires me, what makes me, me.

What else can I say? He loves me. I am valuable to HIM. My life, ultimately is HIS. Nothing else matters. I am human but he is GOD.

All things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

It ends tonight

The All-American Rejects - It ends tonight

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You’re finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight
Won’t make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you’re blind
It’s better when I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know.

I can't fight anymore

My mind has been working in overdrive. I am now exhausted. I can't even begin to explain whats been going on. I try to change things, make suggestions on how to fix things. But either we can't afford to or I feel like I'm wasting time cause they'll never happen.

I make allowances for forgetfulness, needs and obligations yet I am expected to make more. I get my own needs thrown back at me to justify others needs. I am not expected to argue. What's the point anyway. It'll never get through.

There's that 'lack of freedom' feeling again. I will rarely get time away from my daughter. I don't mind so much cause that's my job but having coffee with friends doesn't relax me. I am still keeping an eye on my toddler. So it's not the same as going to movies and hanging out with mates. The focus is always on my child. Therefore resulting in more stress sometimes if she's being difficult. I just would like a little consideration and freedom to feel like a person not someone's mother or wife.

Maybe hormones are screwing me over too. I can't shake this feeling of helplessness. Like wishing something was different but knowing it never will be.

I sacrifice a heap of little things during that day that usually go unnoticed until I have to make an allowance for you to finish doing what your doing before you'll see to our daughter. Sounds petty of me to mention but after a while this is frustrating. I ask you to help so I can finish getting her stuff done but I have to wait for to get yourself sorted and then get myself ready while u do nothing. Some days I desperately need my coffee but I wait until I've fed my daughter before I even think about it. How did this change? From being a selfish person to ignoring my needs to put my family first. I barely even noticed the change until I realised that you haven't changed.

Normally I would feel angry at this point but I just feel tired. Sad. Useless. I don't have the energy to make my point. It hasn't made any difference before. I wish I could muster up enough energy but in truth I don't have it. Others may see me as weak but really... Its easier to stay unhappy for a while than fight with a brick wall. I'm tired of taking punches. I have fought but now I need some time to recoup. To think. To pray. I need some time to adjust my thoughts, re energize and hopefully get back on my feet. So don't ask me what's wrong, don't tell me I'm being unreasonable. Don't agree with everything I say unless you actually plan to make it happen. I can't do everything. In fact right now I can't do anything.

Soon I will be strong. God will energize me but for now.... I can't fight.

To write

I have been recently advised to get back into writing and taking care to what I write and what spin to put on it. I used to write well. Now I'm struggling to put into words whats going on in my head.

Firstly I am 21 weeks pregnant. Which is a struggling in itself to focus on anything for any length of time. I have an almost 20 week old who is struggling to grasp how to grow up and what's happening in her little mind. I have a husband who is out of work and struggling to find motivation. I have a family who is quite frank in their opinions of what's going on my life and I have inlaws who just want to know everything and think that that will help us.

I know I am blessed with incredible friends and family that will do whatever they can to make life easier for me but its not always what I need or want. Truth is I don't know what I want. I can't find the line between being mum, wife and myself. My first priority is mum because Maddison needs my attention, which then sometimes comes between being wife that disturbs the balance of Dan's needs and the general housekeeping needs. Then you add in interfering families and that takes away from quality family time.

So what to do? I need to find hobbies that I can just pick up and do when I have a bit of time to myself that are constructive and relaxing. Also things I can do at home that won't disturb Maddison's routine. I came up with a few ideas and although they are not overly expensive, we need to hold onto the money we have because we have no idea when the next pay will come in. So I really in the same boat I was in before except know I know what I want and I can't get it. I think it's almost worse than not having any ideas. Now they are dangling in front of me and I can't just take them!

So I have no choice but to struggle through the next few months, try and keep on top of everything and somehow stay positive that everything will work out. I will watch my husband go out and have fun with his mates while I sit here wondering what to do with myself and try not to think about the negative, angry thoughts that keep threatening the delicate balance in my mind.

What I will say is that I know that I would not be able to cope without my amazing creator. God is holding that balance in my head. I am just fighting myself to keep from taking it from him. I am learning to be understanding and patient. To not resent Dan for being able to choose his activities so easily and understanding that he needs that time to cope with his own thoughts and needs.

I love my God and as long as he is here with me I can get through anything. Expect more blogs from me. Seeing as that was one the suggestions that will help keep me on track and maybe even give someone else hope.

Today

Today is gloomy to match my mood. Something is wrong and I don't know what it is. I can't fix it, I can't explain it and I just wish it would go away. It feels very familiar and all I want to do is have a drink to forget it. So much for doctors knowing how to fix these things.

I'm hoping it's just boredom. We will be going away soon for a week, maybe that will help. If it doesn't I guess I will just have to keep racking my brains for an answer and losing myself in books to stay distracted.

It sucks. Plain and simple. I don't know ME anymore. I'm sure this not it. But it might be...

An old friend

He was a neighbour who watched me grow up. He spoiled me with treats and always had time for a chat. He taught me to build things, and would let me repaint what he built. He always made me laugh and Mum referred to him as the crazy Irishman at the back.

Had a joke to share and a story to tell. He always encouraged me and always saw the best in people. He never judged anyone.
He always told me the best way to quit smoking was to never start.

That is what killed him...

Even though he quit many years before he suffered through all the years I knew him with emphysema.

I watched him get worse. But he still always had a smile for me. He was too sick to make it to my wedding but we made sure his wife took plenty of photos.

I didn't see him much after that. And then he was gone.

I never cried for him apart from at the funeral. I know he is with Jesus. But I think of him often. I know he would be proud of who I became.

He was like a grandfather to me even though he had a plenty of grandchildren and great grandchildren. He made me feel special and like one of his own.

I went and saw his wife and son who still live behind my parents house today. It's the first time I've seen them since the funeral. His pictures littered the walls. The memories so fresh in my mind.

I was happy to introduce them to my little girl. And they were thrilled to meet her. The family was a big part of me growing up and one day I will share the stories of them. He left a massive imprint in my heart and I want Maddison to know that.

I guess I just want to make sure his memory lives on and how his influence helped shape me into the person I am now. I have always loved him and I will miss him until we meet again. He was an amazing person and an incredible friend!

Mr Austin Gavin, you gave me so much and I love you and miss you greatly. I know God is holding you close and you are pain free and happy. I enjoyed our years together and I will cherish the memories and keep them alive in my family. I'll be seeing you. Lisa xxxx

Observations

I seem to be spending a lot of time observing myself and people close to me. Not judging them but watching, thinking and learning. From a few words that have explained my behaviour from a professional and I am thinking hard about where I'm at and how I'm really coping.

It helps to understand me a bit better. Although this week I did have to be convinced that I wasn't just a crazy hormonal mum. Some days I feel like I'm losing the plot but people have insisted that its normal. I personally can't tell if I'm going crazy or just trying to cope with a whole bunch of different people and situations all at once.

Some days I feel strong and empowered, others really inadequate... I guess that's life. Its 10% situation, 90% how you deal with it. I hope I learn how to deal with it better but you have those days where you just can't take anymore and you crumble to the floor in a heap wishing you hadn't messed up like that.

The reaction of other people seem to impact me hugely in one of those moments. I felt ok about my reaction cuz I knew I was under pressure but to have words spoken after that made me feel so critical of myself and that's when I crumbled. I went completely irrational! Lucky my husband understood and just held me and told me it wasn't my fault even though I was sure it was. I saw no way out of it and I found out later that it wasn't about that at all. It was about how Dan and I dealt with it. Not how someone else reacted. We did the right thing. We came together and talked about it without passing judgment. Success for us :)

So I observe, I learn about me and the people around me. I try to think rationally and accept that I'm not perfect. It always works out when I make peace with myself.

Floods

I haven't left my house in 3 days. Although we are not affected by the floods directly I have seen videos and images of what it's done to the rivers and creeks around my area. I dread seeing the devastation when the water recedes. It feels so surreal seeing images in aerial views of the much loved Brisbane city.

I have lived here my whole life and never want to move out of this great city. What will be left of it? I have watched and cried at the stories of brave Aussies that have managed to get out and save some possessions and most importantly their loved ones. Even watching the animals, wildlife and people's livelihood be swept away by the river.

Everything else besides this disaster has felt irrelevant. I can barely leave my couch, just waiting to see how high the river will go. I can't think of anything else! If I feel like this how does the people that have evacuated their homes feel? I can't bare to think about what they're going through.

I pray for everyone in our state to keep safe and for our SES and volunteers to be safe and recognize the amazing job they are doing.

My 2010

It was a complete blur... My daughter turned 1, we finally moved into our house. I had an emotional year of confusion and denial. I wasn't happy, I was battling with feelings of doubt and questioning my ability to raise my daughter properly. Life passed me by a lot last year. I was not a good friend and kind of avoided everyone.

I think I grew up a bit, learned to let things go, prayed harder about the things that were really bothering me, learned to trust my husband more and have truly forgiven my mother. I have learned that my brothers care for me and enjoy spending time with their niece.

I thank God that every day is new. The slate is clean to start a new year and make it better than the last. I have to come to accept that things happen for a reason and in the timing that God intended. I hope this year is a happy one for us. I felt like I fought really hard to keep my head above water. But now I am floating on it as a have stopped struggling. I aim to let go this year and turn to God so that I may be able to stand on the water and walk towards him.

I will value each day and walk in the joy that God gives me. I pray that I will never break and fall as hard as I did.

For the friends that I did spend time with. Thank you for putting up with me. For being there and supporting me. I hope this year that I can be there for you. I know this year won't be easy but I hope I'm a stronger person.

I welcome 2011 with open arms, full of hope for a great year!