An old friend

He was a neighbour who watched me grow up. He spoiled me with treats and always had time for a chat. He taught me to build things, and would let me repaint what he built. He always made me laugh and Mum referred to him as the crazy Irishman at the back.

Had a joke to share and a story to tell. He always encouraged me and always saw the best in people. He never judged anyone.
He always told me the best way to quit smoking was to never start.

That is what killed him...

Even though he quit many years before he suffered through all the years I knew him with emphysema.

I watched him get worse. But he still always had a smile for me. He was too sick to make it to my wedding but we made sure his wife took plenty of photos.

I didn't see him much after that. And then he was gone.

I never cried for him apart from at the funeral. I know he is with Jesus. But I think of him often. I know he would be proud of who I became.

He was like a grandfather to me even though he had a plenty of grandchildren and great grandchildren. He made me feel special and like one of his own.

I went and saw his wife and son who still live behind my parents house today. It's the first time I've seen them since the funeral. His pictures littered the walls. The memories so fresh in my mind.

I was happy to introduce them to my little girl. And they were thrilled to meet her. The family was a big part of me growing up and one day I will share the stories of them. He left a massive imprint in my heart and I want Maddison to know that.

I guess I just want to make sure his memory lives on and how his influence helped shape me into the person I am now. I have always loved him and I will miss him until we meet again. He was an amazing person and an incredible friend!

Mr Austin Gavin, you gave me so much and I love you and miss you greatly. I know God is holding you close and you are pain free and happy. I enjoyed our years together and I will cherish the memories and keep them alive in my family. I'll be seeing you. Lisa xxxx

Observations

I seem to be spending a lot of time observing myself and people close to me. Not judging them but watching, thinking and learning. From a few words that have explained my behaviour from a professional and I am thinking hard about where I'm at and how I'm really coping.

It helps to understand me a bit better. Although this week I did have to be convinced that I wasn't just a crazy hormonal mum. Some days I feel like I'm losing the plot but people have insisted that its normal. I personally can't tell if I'm going crazy or just trying to cope with a whole bunch of different people and situations all at once.

Some days I feel strong and empowered, others really inadequate... I guess that's life. Its 10% situation, 90% how you deal with it. I hope I learn how to deal with it better but you have those days where you just can't take anymore and you crumble to the floor in a heap wishing you hadn't messed up like that.

The reaction of other people seem to impact me hugely in one of those moments. I felt ok about my reaction cuz I knew I was under pressure but to have words spoken after that made me feel so critical of myself and that's when I crumbled. I went completely irrational! Lucky my husband understood and just held me and told me it wasn't my fault even though I was sure it was. I saw no way out of it and I found out later that it wasn't about that at all. It was about how Dan and I dealt with it. Not how someone else reacted. We did the right thing. We came together and talked about it without passing judgment. Success for us :)

So I observe, I learn about me and the people around me. I try to think rationally and accept that I'm not perfect. It always works out when I make peace with myself.

Floods

I haven't left my house in 3 days. Although we are not affected by the floods directly I have seen videos and images of what it's done to the rivers and creeks around my area. I dread seeing the devastation when the water recedes. It feels so surreal seeing images in aerial views of the much loved Brisbane city.

I have lived here my whole life and never want to move out of this great city. What will be left of it? I have watched and cried at the stories of brave Aussies that have managed to get out and save some possessions and most importantly their loved ones. Even watching the animals, wildlife and people's livelihood be swept away by the river.

Everything else besides this disaster has felt irrelevant. I can barely leave my couch, just waiting to see how high the river will go. I can't think of anything else! If I feel like this how does the people that have evacuated their homes feel? I can't bare to think about what they're going through.

I pray for everyone in our state to keep safe and for our SES and volunteers to be safe and recognize the amazing job they are doing.

My 2010

It was a complete blur... My daughter turned 1, we finally moved into our house. I had an emotional year of confusion and denial. I wasn't happy, I was battling with feelings of doubt and questioning my ability to raise my daughter properly. Life passed me by a lot last year. I was not a good friend and kind of avoided everyone.

I think I grew up a bit, learned to let things go, prayed harder about the things that were really bothering me, learned to trust my husband more and have truly forgiven my mother. I have learned that my brothers care for me and enjoy spending time with their niece.

I thank God that every day is new. The slate is clean to start a new year and make it better than the last. I have to come to accept that things happen for a reason and in the timing that God intended. I hope this year is a happy one for us. I felt like I fought really hard to keep my head above water. But now I am floating on it as a have stopped struggling. I aim to let go this year and turn to God so that I may be able to stand on the water and walk towards him.

I will value each day and walk in the joy that God gives me. I pray that I will never break and fall as hard as I did.

For the friends that I did spend time with. Thank you for putting up with me. For being there and supporting me. I hope this year that I can be there for you. I know this year won't be easy but I hope I'm a stronger person.

I welcome 2011 with open arms, full of hope for a great year!