Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Observations

I seem to be spending a lot of time observing myself and people close to me. Not judging them but watching, thinking and learning. From a few words that have explained my behaviour from a professional and I am thinking hard about where I'm at and how I'm really coping.

It helps to understand me a bit better. Although this week I did have to be convinced that I wasn't just a crazy hormonal mum. Some days I feel like I'm losing the plot but people have insisted that its normal. I personally can't tell if I'm going crazy or just trying to cope with a whole bunch of different people and situations all at once.

Some days I feel strong and empowered, others really inadequate... I guess that's life. Its 10% situation, 90% how you deal with it. I hope I learn how to deal with it better but you have those days where you just can't take anymore and you crumble to the floor in a heap wishing you hadn't messed up like that.

The reaction of other people seem to impact me hugely in one of those moments. I felt ok about my reaction cuz I knew I was under pressure but to have words spoken after that made me feel so critical of myself and that's when I crumbled. I went completely irrational! Lucky my husband understood and just held me and told me it wasn't my fault even though I was sure it was. I saw no way out of it and I found out later that it wasn't about that at all. It was about how Dan and I dealt with it. Not how someone else reacted. We did the right thing. We came together and talked about it without passing judgment. Success for us :)

So I observe, I learn about me and the people around me. I try to think rationally and accept that I'm not perfect. It always works out when I make peace with myself.

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