Stuff

Stuff is happening to me. I am not feeling great but there is hope. Some of my brain is still working because even though I wanted to give up the things dearest to me I didnt. I will fake it until I make it.

Its hard, I am trying not to question why, just to deal with it, admit that I cant do it on my own and actually lean on the people that want to help me.

The hardest part was admitting that its gone too far and I really can't talk my way out of it. I can't convince myself that I'm ok. I also can't look my friends in the eye and say that I'm fine.

I think God is reminding me that I'm not invincible even though I think I am. I have never felt more physically drained, (other than childbirth) sick and weak than I do right now. It makes me want to stay in bed and never get out, and I never feel like that. I need to be active yet my mind and my body have suddenly shut down.

Even through all I don't feel sad about it. It's a hope that one day soon I will finally start to feel better, stronger and happy again. Its nice to be able to focus on my physical health rather than my mental health for a change. It's somewhat easier. I am doing something about it for once.

Well I've admitted it, I'm enduring it and I will come out of it alive.

To stop or not to...

Is considering quitting this Idea of writing. It's not really working for me. I don't like seeing where my head has been. I never seem to write when something good happens. So either I need to stop or just think very carefully before writing (which kinda defeats the purpose). Someone told me today that they are sick of reading my emo fb updates. Which has caused me to rethink what I write. It also reiterates the feeling of others who are lacking feedback. So what is the point of this? Well I don't know if expressing my feelings is really helpful. I think it's not. For a person who is an intravert, a public blog is a rather sensitive issue. Some peole just roll their eyes and ignore me. So I don't think it's worth it.

I'm rather hurt by the lack of interest which would assume that I'm not writing quality. So why write at all. Please for those who read this, this has nothing to do with you directly. I really am only focusing on someone in particular who doesn't know I blog.

Ah this is just a waste of time. I know barely anyone reads me. It's all good. I will decide later on what I should do.

Missing

Today I feel as though I am missing something. If only I knew what it was. Nothing is stable, comfortable or reassuring. I feel like I need a good DNM except I know it won't fix anything. Probably will raise more questions than answers.

Things that I want that I'm not sure I should have. Questions I want to ask but don't think I can bare to hear the answer and things I want to say but think no one wants to hear.

Feelings of anger that I can't explain. The things I doubt in myself that I can't shake. If I tried to put these feelings into words they just sound so stupid and trivial. So I don't say them. I think it goes away for a while until a trigger sets them off.

I feel like a loaded gun that is going to go off any minute. The problem is I don't want to try and explain the mess that will follow to the unfortunate person who may cop it.

I'm sure I will be fine. Like the headache I have now, it will go away soon. I cant stop it from reoccurring but as usual I deal with it as it comes.

This sounds so dramatic, I feel like I'm writing fiction. Maybe I am. Or maybe I should write. I just want to be happy, like everyone else. Like everyone else I have problems, feelings and flaws. I am no different. I am blended into my surroundings and have never stood out. Why would I want to now?

I think I want fuss some days, I think I want sympathy... but when I get it, I don't know what to do with it. I can't take anything positive spoken to me. I don't know why. I can't hear listen to others complaints without feeling... well sad about myself. Does that make me selfish? I get angry at some people who are always sick. I can't explain that. That makes me unable to be sympathetic to others. Wow I must be a really sucky person to be with. I hate that about myself.

So back to 'missing' what is missing? Me.