Life

I hate feeling like I cant help, that no matter what I say it wont help. You don't know cuz u havent been there. No one actually said those words but they didnt have to. It makes me want to disappear. To run away where no one will find me so I dont feel so useless. To have no one expect anything of me, so I can't fail them.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I wish I could avoid going to the doctors. Avoid talking abt it anymore. I dont want to talk abt it. I dont want to admit that I'm losing my mind, life and everything in it. I dont want to admit defeat... but there it is, staring me in the face. Hating me, taunting me. I just want it to go away. I can't go back to the way life was when I was happy. I can't control the thought going through my head. I brush them away but one day they will just stay there and I will go spiraling down again.

Stuff life! Right now I just hate it. If it wasnt for Maddison this would be the end. Then again if I didnt have her then I wouldnt be where I am...

No Facebook

Well, I have promised not to use facebook for a month. This will be interesting. I am more addicted than I thought. It'll be a very lonely month. Like things havent been hard enough already.

I am hoping to feel normal again soon. I dont really like feeling like the world is falling on top of me and I cant get out of the way in time. Good to hear that its normal and common. Doesnt really help but it makes me feel like it will work out in the end. I guess we'll see.

Lonely

Wow I feel so alone. Its late, I've been drinking... Had a long talk with Dan yet I still feel alone. God feels so far away. I dont feel I have an identity anymore. My purpose is to take care of a little baby. Thats all, I have no other life or purpose. I really thought there was more to life than this. I thought I was tougher than this, yet through this weight of responsibility the cracks are showing. I may crumble, not today or tomorrow... but soon.

What a day

I was angry. But in truth my anger has faded to the cold realisation that I expected too much. Disappointed, hurt... and just plain sad. Tired of excuses, tired of hoping and getting excited. Just plain tired. I am worn out. Being a mum to my daughter and my husband, trying to go back to the activities I enjoyed before I was pregnant and trying to stay optimistic. I was once a strong, determined person, I knew what I wanted out of life and I knew what to expect. Now its all a jumbled mess. My past coming back to drag me down, the dark moods, the temptations, the hurts. I thought I got past all that.

I am tired of trying so hard, of analyzing my motives, behaviours and thoughts. I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm tired of feeling guilty because I've ignored the one person I need the most. My God. I've been thrashing around in the water and suddenly I have no fight left in me and I'm slipping away. I know everyone wants something from me. An ear, a hand, some encouragement... I tried I really did. To be what they needed. I tried not to be selfish but here I am... thinking of myself yet again.

Why do mothers have so much influence, why is their approval and support so damn important. Words don't mean much to me anymore. In fact right now they mean absolutely nothing. Actions speak louder than words she used to say. Her actions are deafening.

This has got to be the most confusing, all of the place, blog I've written so far. So I'll stop. My head is a mess, my emotions are just as bad, but as usual I will push through cuz really its not that bad. In reality no one really cares. There is worse situations to be in and ppl think my life is awesome, so why complain? One day I'll have it together and I'll feel content. One day I will be stable. Today is not that day.

My apologies for the mess, I will clean it up soon.

Depression

How do you define depression? Where does it come from and when do u know its a problem? How do u diagnose a feeling, an emotion? I never believed I suffered from it. I still don't but I cant shake this strange mood I'm in. I was nearly convinced to see a doctor about it a few years back. I never went, I talked myself out it.

This mood is a dangerous place for me to be in. It leads to alcohol... which leads to a darker mood and more bad stuff follows. Maybe having a baby has caught up with me finally. I've nearly lost my identity. You become a mother not a person. Your whole world revolves around this little being. Don't get me wrong, I dont regret having Maddison, she really is a little angel. I just always have to think of her first, i know thats normal but I feel ripped off, No one elses first thought is her. They can just do whatever they want whenever without a second thought for her. I am not a single mother but I sure as hell feel like one. When will it change?

I should be getting excited about Christmas. I was, but something changed and I don't know what it was. Maybe for all the bad memories it brings back. I'm sure Mum didn't mean to do it, that's just how it was. I always ruined it. It should be different this year... I just can't block these thoughts. I always wanted to make Mum understand what she's done to me. But I can't and don't think I ever will. It doesn't seem fair. I only hope I don't pass on this to my children.

Lost

In a world that focuses on 'finding yourself' assuming that we are lost... where are we? Physically? Emotionally? Mentally? I am lost right now... but I dont want to find myself, I want to run away. I want to get away from the things that are worrying me, things are hurting, things I cant control. I want to seek refuge. To hide until I get my thoughts under control. They are spiraling out of control.

There is a control that is bad, that destroys relationships, that hurts really deeply... where is that line? the very fine line between good control and bad?? When so we know we've gone too far??

I dont know what I feel, where my head is... I know there is ppl really hurting right now and I dont know how to help. How do u help someone when you cant help yourself? How do help someone who cries out for help but wont accept it.. How do help someone when you've never been in the situation they are in? Why do I want something to bad to happen just so I can say that I understand?

I can look like I have everything together, I can pray in company an amazing prayer, yet I cant do it alone in my room, How did I forget my God when I remind others not to forget him. I am a hypocrite. By that prayer I know God is still with me yet I feel so far away. When did my day to day life suddenly change. I could blame my daughter but that wouldnt be fair. It's not her fault, its mine. When will I feel like myself again? Probably never.

But life goes on whether I'm happy or not. How comforting...

My beautiful girl

Today I feel like the luckiest person alive. I have a gorgeous nearly 5mth old daughter, who is the happiest most content baby. Every time I look at her, she gives me the biggest grin. She is content to lie on the floor and play, or sit on my lap and make cute noises, and most of the time when I put her to bed she goes right off to sleep without a fuss. Like I said, perfect baby... almost

She had a screaming tantrum the last couple of afternoons. I put her down she cried which turned into a heartbreaking scream! Only thing that would maker her stop was to pick her up. After nearly an hour of Dan sitting with her, patting her and trying to calm her down, I said I would take over for a while. (can I just say I'm proud of my husband. That is the longest he's spent with her while she was screaming, normally he would give up and walk out and let me deal with it.) I gave her my finger to suck on and started to sing. She quietened immediately. Less than 5mins she was nodding off. A pure miracle. I wondered why I hadn't thought of that before. Normally she would tire herself out quicker than that. The next afternoon she started again, only this time nothing would settle her. So I gave up. She wanted to up and social. So I fingered, why not? She had 2 good morning sleeps, she's happy enough, so I let her stay up. Parenting is hard, there are all these ways of doing things and then you have to work out which way is best for you... It is really hard!

So today, I will be playing it by ear. Paying close attention to her and hoping we can avoid that screaming match, because after an hour of that you really just want to scream right back at her!

Although after all is said and done when she wakes up with her head where her feet be and a massive smile on her face, all is forgiven and forgotten.

God Stuff

I had a great time last night at church. I'm excited to be back singing. :)

Anyway, this morning I made a conscience effort to spend some quality time with God. I feel guilty for neglecting Him during the week. You could say I have an excuse but with the amount of time I waste on facebook, I could just dedicate some of that time on my creator. Something Gru said last night stuck in my head, about being in prayer all day. I used to talk to God all the time. (It was better than talking to my myself) I would tell him about everything that was on my mind. Sometimes I would hear him tell me something othertimes it was just the comfort of knowing that he was listening. I want to be back in that closeness with him. I've also noticed the lack of talking about God with friends. At least on my end. I havent had any really in depth discussions about him. I really miss that.

Something else I was reading, about peace. I can tell you know that I'm am not at peace now. Between the stuff going on with my family, my husband's family and our own marriage. Nothing is peaceful! I need to take a step back and stop looking at the situations in a human way. To step back and see the bigger picture to see what God sees. I just want to hit pause and assess the image. I hate being caught up in the middle of the storm. It's draining, emotional and almost always makes things worse. I need some perspective. I need some hope. Everything is a blur...

I wish I was like my Dad, he's calm, doesnt show emotion and keeps things in perspective. Everyone loves and respects him.

Well I think thats all I can say right now... my mind is a little clearer. As clear as it can be with only 5hrs sleep.

Alone

Yes I have a night to myself. I should have been doing something else but I decided I needed sometime to be alone. I really thought we had some stuff worked out. A house, not just any house, a brand new one. But no. we cant afford it. I have to go to work to afford it. I dont want to work! I dont want to deal with the people I worked so hard to detach from.. yes I love them but I just dont want to work with them. I dont want to miss out on anything with my daughter. I want to be there for everything, I think she deserves that. I dont want to be like my mother. I love her but I want to be a better mother.

I feel like I'm fighting for a lost cause. When does a husband know how to be a husband, when does a father know he is a father? I am trying to be fair... but I'm failing... my patience is wearing thin. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, of trying to explain... 3 yrs and not much has changed. Where does it end? I wont walk away but I sure as hell want to

Inspiration

Well, I havent written in a while.. I am inspired by a close friend to write... but what to say? Everything in my world seems less important and even meaningless compared to my friends life. Well that explains everything doesnt it. Comparing. Thats what i do and always have done. I only hope to God that I dont do that to my children.

Well we have a huge change coming our way which i hope will be a really good thing and will hopefully inspire some changes and improve our quality of life. If it doesnt than we're in big trouble.

Since I have nothing really to say now I'll sign off.

Frustration

My back hurts, we make a physio appointment, we dont have a car, we dont check the night before that we can borrow a car. We cancel the appointment, we now have to pay a fee for canceling to late... I have a grumpy baby, who will only settle in my arms or in the sling which puts more strain on my back! My husband has a ps3 game he cant stop playing. He's not working so he plays all day. Great help. He has excuses why he cant work for his dad, then when have no money he will complain... ITS... ALL... MY... FAULT. Dan has a sister who has abt as much consideration as a cow. Yes I will be staying, no i wont tell you that I'm not now, I have made other plans.

I am so over living here as well as being married. I should have just stayed at uni up the coast enjoying life.

The men

Men need to grow up and be men, husbands and fathers. not boys with toys. Take some responsibility and show some interest to the ones who love you. Work hard and be there...

Oh to write again

Well my first go at writing again. It's been a long time. I used to write short stories, poems, started several novels which have never been finished and then I stopped. Lost my inspiration due to an incident in my childhood. Forgive my shaky start but here will be the beginning of sorting out my messed up mind and feelings. Hope it all goes well.

xo