Maybe I'm just out of my mind

Is anybody here i know, cuz nothings going right and everything's a mess and no one likes to be alone.

Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new, I dont know who you are but I'm with you.

Great

Yep I said it. Life is great. Just fantastic. I have just about everything a girl could want. No complaining anymore. I'm just great.

where have I gone?

I just realised I'm full of it! I say one thing but mean another. My true self have been coming out lately and I hate her. I really do just hate her. Where has my self control gone?? I dont deserve what I have, I don't appreciate it enough. I have seen all the bad stuff and now I can't see the good. I have a friend who through everything she has dealt with is stronger than me. I should be supporting her but instead I'm feeling guilty, angry and blaming all the wrong things. I'm questioning everything. I falter at hard situations even though they are not happening to me. My doctor might think that there isnt anything wrong with me but I know there is. There may not be a name for it but something is not right. Where is the happy, fun, joyful person gone. I miss her. People used to always know when something was wrong because they would always see me smiling and when I wasnt, it wasnt normal.

I just want me back.

The worst news possible

I can't believe it. A life is lost, just like that. After so many months fighting, it's all over. We prayed so hard for this. We dared to stay positive. I was so sure she would make it. Its almost as if it actually happened to me. It didnt. But it feels like it did. I didnt think I could feel so strongly abt this. I feel cheated. But I have no right. No right at all to be so upset. It wasnt my baby. How can this family be expected to bounce back. I can't even see the positive in this. Where was God? Why did he leave a family to suffer more than they have already suffered. Its not fair. I was born too early, yet I survived. How can that be with all the technology now, they couldnt save a baby. Yet my life was spared nearly 24 years ago. I was a miracle yet I didnt deserve to be. Why couldnt this baby live?

Today I thought I was turning into a horrible person. My behaviour and attitude has been unacceptable to certain people. I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed for the worst. My outlook on life is no longer positive. If I was in a black hole before, its just gotten darker in the unfairness of life. My beliefs have hit an all time low. Where has my strong will gone? Vanished.

I hope I can stay strong to support those who really need it. If I can do it for them, then maybe I'm still ok. Maybe...

Christmas and the New Year

Well Christmas was surprisingly painless. Maddison really loved playing with the wrapping and I think we all enjoyed ourselves. The new year party we had just finished a little while ago. It was great fun. Had a night out on the town, which was something I havent done in a while. It was really good, but kinda bad at the same time. I didnt get depressed drinking like I usually do... Which was good but the thing I am avoiding thinking abt is not going away. On the outside I'm fine, I look, act and do everything normally, I mean I can still crack jokes and laugh like normal. But inside is churning... I can't shake this feeling of loss or sadness. I just don't feel right. I need to put my finger on it... I need to know the cause. But I can't! its just not normal. Life is a blur... no one has a clue whats going on. Not like they would care anyway... I feel like hiding away. Just disappearing for a while. I wish I could. I'm sure no one would notice...