I can't believe it. A life is lost, just like that. After so many months fighting, it's all over. We prayed so hard for this. We dared to stay positive. I was so sure she would make it. Its almost as if it actually happened to me. It didnt. But it feels like it did. I didnt think I could feel so strongly abt this. I feel cheated. But I have no right. No right at all to be so upset. It wasnt my baby. How can this family be expected to bounce back. I can't even see the positive in this. Where was God? Why did he leave a family to suffer more than they have already suffered. Its not fair. I was born too early, yet I survived. How can that be with all the technology now, they couldnt save a baby. Yet my life was spared nearly 24 years ago. I was a miracle yet I didnt deserve to be. Why couldnt this baby live?
Today I thought I was turning into a horrible person. My behaviour and attitude has been unacceptable to certain people. I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed for the worst. My outlook on life is no longer positive. If I was in a black hole before, its just gotten darker in the unfairness of life. My beliefs have hit an all time low. Where has my strong will gone? Vanished.
I hope I can stay strong to support those who really need it. If I can do it for them, then maybe I'm still ok. Maybe...
The highs and lows of a wife and mother trying to find her place in the world
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