where have I gone?

I just realised I'm full of it! I say one thing but mean another. My true self have been coming out lately and I hate her. I really do just hate her. Where has my self control gone?? I dont deserve what I have, I don't appreciate it enough. I have seen all the bad stuff and now I can't see the good. I have a friend who through everything she has dealt with is stronger than me. I should be supporting her but instead I'm feeling guilty, angry and blaming all the wrong things. I'm questioning everything. I falter at hard situations even though they are not happening to me. My doctor might think that there isnt anything wrong with me but I know there is. There may not be a name for it but something is not right. Where is the happy, fun, joyful person gone. I miss her. People used to always know when something was wrong because they would always see me smiling and when I wasnt, it wasnt normal.

I just want me back.