today

I'm tired. Of making the first move. Working to keep relationships going. Smoothing things over. Why do I keep fighting for what seems like a lost cause?

I dont think that I will stop fighting. Its what I do. I think I was made for it. But today. I am tired.

Dreams

I spent a long time early this morning thinking. Trying to decide my future... Two options... Did I come to a solution? no. I tried discussing it with my husband... He didnt have an answer, he felt the same way I did. So what do we do?

Today, we were productive. We spent only an hour out, sorting some things out. But it feels like so much has changed all of a sudden. Last night I felt confused and stressed. But today I feel different... I have hope... A term that gets thrown around too much. At the moment its a slight shimmer that I am holding onto because I have nothing else to hold onto.

I need this dream to come true... I think our marriage depends on it. My sanity depends on it. My daughter needs me to be loving, stable and sane. I cant be that without this dream... or without hope.

Everything depends on God to make this happen for us. Against odds. We are so inadequate, we cant live this dream on our own.

I have learnt that God doesnt make situations happen to us, he allows them so he can teach us something and turn bad into good. We make our choices good or bad but God can turn them into good when we turn to him. He will be there when everything falls. He will also be there when life is good. I have to recognise when things are bad that he is working on something in me.

I dont know why this situation happened and I dont know what I have learnt yet but I'm holding open the door into a better place. God please go before and us and prepare a path for us that we may be blessed. Amen

What to write..?

I hate when people ask me how my week was and I honestly can't remember what I did.... I don't know if anyone else has this problem but it seriously annoys me and confuses everyone else.

I'm a mum, who's still breastfeeding so my day is basically the same. I go out for coffee sometimes, or just hang round at home. I spend a stupid amount of time cleaning and then can't be bothered to cook. Unfortunately my husband hasnt learnt the art of cooking.

I could say my life seems pretty breezy but the battles I face arent with looking after my 8mth old. I battle my thoughts. My energy goes into keeping my head in a positively place, not over thinking things and working to be there for the important people in my life.

Somedays I struggle to be excited for the friends who have just bought a house because all I want is our own place. I get angry of stupid things and just want things to be different. Truth is I know I cant change my situation and I know its not going to be like this forever, I just wish I could see a glimpse of the other side.

I know I just have to be strong and hold on but some days are just soo much harder than others

Influence

Sleep...I wish I could have some but my mind is swimming with thoughts. About the people I care about and about myself. I know once I said I wish I didnt feel anything. I take that back. Its a blessing to be able to feel. Feeling and hurt means you care and love.

The theme for this month at church is influence. I realised that it means something to be influential. As a vocalist at church and at home, with friends and family. I was wondering what kind of influence am I being? Good or bad? What are the things that are holding me back from being everything I have been called to be? I know my thoughts, emotions and mentality is an area I struggle with. I need to be aligned with God's word. My headspace needs to be carefully monitored. As its the fastest way for me to lose the plot.

Esther was a gentle influencer, Jesus was bold, not compromising his belief or calling, and Barbabas was the encourager. He raised people up and encouraged them in their calling. These are great people of influence. I want to be able to have these qualities. To be strong, loving and encouraging.

We influence people whether we mean to or not. Is it good or bad? I know I want to be the 3 things I mentioned before. In every area of my life I want to be a good influence. Its a hard road but I really think I can do this. With the help of God, good friends and determination. I will make it. I will not be broken.

Someone said

How do you put up with them...
I dont know how to answer that. Because I dont know how I do. You just go through life, ignoring this and that, mentioning some things and letting most things go. It finally hits home when someone else notices that something is up. That their behaviour is not right. What do you say?

I love him. Words hurt... is this something else I let slide or do I mention it??
I just don't know.

Wow!

A simple gathering of mothers over coffee turned out to be a revelation and a feeling of belonging. Finally. For once I had a great day. I hung out with a friend and Maddison was happy, doing all the things she should be. Then I went out to meet some mothers from church.

They are amazing! We connected so well. I feel like I contributed to the conversation. I felt encouraged and strong! I feel like me again. We talked about everything from family and kids to Tv shows, and everything in between. We are praying for each other for specific things and just supporting. I just feel totally loved and cared for. Thank you God! you know all my needs!

I wonder

How far can we go to express ourselves? How much do we hold back? Should we talk more or less. Should we express or not. I'm rather confused to where this line is. I think we can choose what we say and how we say it. But how far can we go to feel better about ourselves before hurting someone else?

Is it better to not say anything and deal with it quietly? Or tell the whole world and reap the repercussions. Are we really that strong that we can say what we like and not being affected by the people we offend? When I say people I dont mean strangers. I mean the people we love.

I do believe that we have the choice to speak up. To say what we feel. But is the key how we say it? When? Or what? Who decides? The receiver the speaker and the reader?

Should we let it go or confront?

I'm not good at talking. I can explain better when I write but I consider the audience that is reading. So I dont always say what I'm feeling. But words can be misunderstood when written. So I choose to say nothing. Does this make it harder to deal with things... yes. So I guess this is my battle. Right or wrong I don't know but I this is just how it is.

Life's trials

Life's trials are so short compared to how far we've come and how much we've grown. Where would we be without the tests of relationships and circumstances.

We are pressed on every side but not crushed, we are perplexed but not in despair, We are hunted but not abandoned, we get knocked down but not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. 2 Cor 4:8

We can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials for we know that they help us develop endurance. and endurance develops strength of character and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. This hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Rom 5:3

The promises of God are just amazing. I feel like I have been freed from the darkness that had surrounded my life. It takes a heartbreaking scream... or cry that allows you to give your heart back to the creator. To admit that u cant do it alone. That circumstances dont define who you are. That there is hope even when you cant see it. Just to hear him, feel him and know that you know that he hasnt abandoned you.

Many times have a cried in despair but have taken back what I gave to him. I cant take it back this time, it is too big. I need him to take it and use it to teach me. I admit defeat, I will lay down my life for it is worth nothing without him in it.

The turning point, seems so negative but in fact it has taken me back to where I was in the past and I remembered why I was there and how I never want to feel like that again. It hurt so much at the time but without that memory I would never be where I am today.

This never would have happened it I hadnt neglected my best friend and hurt her deeply. But through her pain and mine, I have just renewed something in my world that I have been fighting so hard for. God allows these things to happen to teach us. A bit intense and dramatic maybe but sometimes its necessary for us to sit up and take notice.

I wont regret what happened as God has turned it into good as he promised but I thank you for being so honest and open to let me see how you feel and helping me wake up and start fighting again and seeing what is good in my world. I dont think you fully understand what has happened here tonight. But I hope in time that I can explain. I love you. God loves you.

Where was God?

I found him... He was always there. But yesterday morning I really felt him. He told me not to worry because it didnt matter who turned up that he would be there for my little girl. But Mum did come. It means more than I can say. I stressed for weeks about what if she didnt come. I came to a place to accept that the dream wont happen. I wont have the mother I wanted, she wont be the grandma I had hoped for. I learnt that I'm allowed to grieve for that loss. By letting myself cry will allow me to get over it. Why has it taken so long to realise this. She is still my mum and I love her too much to not have some sort of relationship with her. But I can accept that she wont always be there when I need her. But I will be so grateful when she is there. On my way home from church that morning I couldnt stop smiling. I found the joy and happiness and freedom I have been searching for! I was so happy. I couldnt think a rational thought and it was great!! God just completely froze my head and just for a while it was amazing! I wish I could of kept that feeling a little bit longer.

At church last night was so emotional. I was struggling to hold myself together enough to sing. I could feel his presence and anointing so strong and seeing my whole family, my Grandma as well at church. It was just... beautiful. I cant explain how that felt.

After the service was over... well that was different. I was drained and my heart was aching. There was nothing more I could of done right then. but it wouldnt go away. When I got home I couldnt sleep, neither could Maddison. I couldnt turn my mind off. I woke up this morning, Im calmer but still aching. Funny, over smaller things I might have had a drink last night, but I couldnt. I just couldnt bring myself even for just one. I prayed and read and cried and nothing was helping, I tried to shut it out but It just wouldnt go away. I was just beating myself up.

Now... I dont know how I am. I look at Maddison and I smile. She is my sunshine. Thats all that matters. Dan has barely been here but I think I needed some time alone.

Who knows what will happen, just wait and see. Let God do what he can and just try and bare it. I've missed God. I've missed spending moments with him. The way I connect with him has changed but he hasnt. He's still hugging me and loving me through every mistake I've made. He still loves and forgives me. You cant get any better than that! You couldnt ask for a better friend.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry, we havent been there, I'm sorry ur angry, I'm sorry we can't help. I dont know what to do or say. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing, so I havent gone to see you. I'm angry that I havent. I don't want to talk about me. But I dont know if you want to talk to me abt you. I feel pathetic and useless.

I'm so so sorry...