Where was God?

I found him... He was always there. But yesterday morning I really felt him. He told me not to worry because it didnt matter who turned up that he would be there for my little girl. But Mum did come. It means more than I can say. I stressed for weeks about what if she didnt come. I came to a place to accept that the dream wont happen. I wont have the mother I wanted, she wont be the grandma I had hoped for. I learnt that I'm allowed to grieve for that loss. By letting myself cry will allow me to get over it. Why has it taken so long to realise this. She is still my mum and I love her too much to not have some sort of relationship with her. But I can accept that she wont always be there when I need her. But I will be so grateful when she is there. On my way home from church that morning I couldnt stop smiling. I found the joy and happiness and freedom I have been searching for! I was so happy. I couldnt think a rational thought and it was great!! God just completely froze my head and just for a while it was amazing! I wish I could of kept that feeling a little bit longer.

At church last night was so emotional. I was struggling to hold myself together enough to sing. I could feel his presence and anointing so strong and seeing my whole family, my Grandma as well at church. It was just... beautiful. I cant explain how that felt.

After the service was over... well that was different. I was drained and my heart was aching. There was nothing more I could of done right then. but it wouldnt go away. When I got home I couldnt sleep, neither could Maddison. I couldnt turn my mind off. I woke up this morning, Im calmer but still aching. Funny, over smaller things I might have had a drink last night, but I couldnt. I just couldnt bring myself even for just one. I prayed and read and cried and nothing was helping, I tried to shut it out but It just wouldnt go away. I was just beating myself up.

Now... I dont know how I am. I look at Maddison and I smile. She is my sunshine. Thats all that matters. Dan has barely been here but I think I needed some time alone.

Who knows what will happen, just wait and see. Let God do what he can and just try and bare it. I've missed God. I've missed spending moments with him. The way I connect with him has changed but he hasnt. He's still hugging me and loving me through every mistake I've made. He still loves and forgives me. You cant get any better than that! You couldnt ask for a better friend.