I'm not ok

I decided a long time ago who I wanted to be. I think it's what everyone wants to be... I wanted to stay the same person regardless of who I'm with. I wanted to accept people for they are, be understanding in tough situations and supportive. I wanted to be calm, patient and wise.

Pfft... who was I kidding?

Then I had kids...

To start with my only issue was getting along with other adults, trying to be a friend and give support instead of just looking for it myself. Maybe I have achieved that.

But now I have to relearn how to be a good person... a good mother to my girls. It's a whole new ball game this parenting thing. I happen to be good at ball games but this one I have no idea how to play!

My mother said to me just yesterday that I should know how to play these games with kids because I worked with them for a few years, but she's wrong. Your own kids are totally different dynamic to a roomful of other peoples kids.

I have taught my 2 year old how to yell at me... unintentionally of course. I started yelling at her. A BIG MISTAKE! Mummy fail no. 1. I'm pretty sure I've messed up more than that but my memory has purposly blocked it out. That's just one example of me not thinking my actions through. The results are disastrous!
Its hard enough for me to 'unlearn' something. It's IMPOSSIBLE for a toddler.

I come up with good solutions some days but the next day it doesn't work. She's moved onto the next thing... The hardest part about all this is that not only is this child running me around, frustrating me, I have a 4 month old who has just decided she doesn't like me leaving her sight! I know this because when I come into view she cracks the biggest smile as if to say 'Good your back now stay here!'

Everyone knows women can multitask but this is a big ask. And of course they all want something at the exact same time and can't possible wait another second!

The moments when Maddison gently grabs my face, looks me in the eyes and says 'mummy' just melts my heart. All is forgiven at that moment. Even though I know 10 seconds later she'll be doing something else she shouldn't. I grasp hold of those gorgeous moments. When my baby Sarah is crying and I pick her up and she coos and gives me the biggest smile, you can't help but smile back. Those precious, bright blue eyes melt every stranger that steals a glance into them.

I know how precious my children are and of course I wouldn't swap them for anything but people don't realise just how hard it is to get through some days. They just say, "But it's worth it," and "but your doing a great job". Although sometimes that helps. Most times it doesn't. I still feel like I'm drowning and becoming less human when I can barely control my frustration and helplessness.

I will sit here and tell you I'm fine and yes it'll pass and I'll survive, I always do. But I am doubting myself, getting angry that I can't be stronger and just wishing I was a better person. Which results in someone else copping my insecurity and then it turns onto a fight about how rude I am and how I was inappropriate when all I need is some understanding and space. That issue is all for another day...

So I'm not a good friend now. I am sleep deprived and taking on too many other issues when all I want to do is focus on my family... not the extended family... just mine. Treasure the moments that don't last nearly long enough.

In saying that I am longing to be something other than Mum. I have been asked several times when I will be returning to the music team. I would drop everything and go back now but I don't think my husband will appreciate that. I am desperate to get back to doing something for me. Even to the point of considering weaning Sarah at 6mths. But that still leaves my husband to cope with the both of them and judging by my recent attempts it never goes well. Let alone getting them both to church on time... As usual I will just have to wait.

I'm sure one day I will feel more human