Crazy weekend!

Havent been here for a while and lucky for me no one has noticed. Some days I love being in the background others not so much.

I have been busy being a bridesmaid for the first time at a 3 day Indian wedding. One word... CRAZY! Apart from just about everything going wrong back stage. We managed to pull off a pretty good appearance. I had no idea what was going on most of the time but kept getting told we look gorgeous in our saris so I couldnt complain. Minus a seriously drunk 19yr old trying to chat us up at the reception, everything went ok. I was just soo grateful that my husband was able to look after my daughter for the night.

I am also gearing up for another crazy weekend for woman's conference. Last night at rehearsal I was questioning why I was still singing. I dont feel valued at all in the music team at the moment. But I know it will take time for things to change since our leaders have departed. I had the best DNM with a girl I take to practices.. She is 19 and wise far beyond her age. She taught me a few things. Learned a few lessons herself. Guess we have to remember we can learn from anyone if we are willing.

While I have a long way to go, as long as I'm still moving and growing thats what really matters. I would die for my family and friends but live for God to bring people into his presents. That's why I use my gifts. Thats why I sing. My passion for God shows more when I sing. I know Im not awesome at it but its where my hearts is. If I were to give it up then I would be lost and depressed. So I will weather this storm of uncertainty and push through my doubts because I believe in a God that is fair and just and gives us the desires of our heart. THIS is my desire and I know God will equip me for what I must do to bring people into his house.

I will conquer ALL through Him who loves me.

Uh... random post I know but its where my thoughts went...

Emotions

So many floating around my head. I love deeply, I hurt even deeper and yet I still love. I get angry, I get tired and I cry. To not care feels like a good option but I know I would not want that. I need to get out! I need to live and enjoy what I a have.

I am appreciating my husband so much more now. We are agreeing on things, feeling the same things. We are finally feeling like a family. We may not be in our house yet, or cut the apron strings yet but our relationship has lifted. He backs me and I am backing him. One situation at a time. Every time we face something, he steps up a baby step to maturing and showing me how much he does care for me. There is a long way to go but I have realised that if I just give him a chance and an opportunity to step up he will take that challenge and surprise me.

As for being hurt. Well, I don't really know what to say. Thats a whole other ball game. I think I just need a new perspective. Right now though I wish I could just take her out and bash some sense into her. Not my place, I'm not the person to do that. I doubt I could ever understand her.

I just cant put into words how much I love God for being so patient with us. Cuz if it was me I would have given up a long time ago! Thank you God for being you. I ask that you deal with that situation cuz I have nothing left to give except anger. Thanks for remembering that I'm human!

Big Mouth

I've just discovered that I can be a real a bitch. There is so much that I hold back and don't say, but when I do, look out. Why do I hold back? Is it cuz I'm too nice, don't like confrontation, am too scared to hurt people? Maybe all or none of these things. Who knows. Sometimes I wish I just never opened my mouth.

Been a while

I'll start with the good news. I love that we are moving back into our house, that Maddison is growing up so well and that my darling husband is trying to help me a bit more.
I am sad that I have to give up breastfeeding and that we have no money and that I dont really want to go back to work but will have to.

I am frustrated that there are some people in the world that just use us and dont even know or care that they do. They just do whatever they want. And we just keep our mouths shut because we are too nice to say anything. I wish I really could just say what I felt to this person. But I reason that what would be the point? They won't listen, to them I have nothing of value to say anyway.

Part of the reason I cant wait to move. Then we dont have to watch this person stuff up their lives and hurt everyone around them. I wish I could just not care...

Stonewalls

I have them up. I dont see the point in talking somehow. Some days I love the mystery but they are lonely times where I wish I could let someone in. But when you do is it worth it? Do they understand? Does it really make you feel better. I am watching a moment with son and mother. Not willing to let go. Feeling like I'm intruding on something. Feeling like I don't really belong. Silently wishing I had that connection with my own family. Knowing I have to let go of any hope of that happening. Getting disappointed at every turn. Goodbye dream. I have to make my own now. Fumble through really hoping to get it right with my daughter.

I feel like I'm fighting for a lost cause, a common dream together we hold but the everyday moments are not there. So my walls are up. I am ok. I'm tired of talking and complaining. I am totally flooded by emotion I can't decipher. Some comfort coming from the word and from music. No effort is coming from who I really to be there.

So tired and drained. Just want something good to happen. Knowing I have to make it happen. Knowing how I feel is irrelevant and a waste of time. I will wait. Trust and stay hopeful so that in God's time I may be blessed. In the meantime vodka is a substitute.