I have them up. I dont see the point in talking somehow. Some days I love the mystery but they are lonely times where I wish I could let someone in. But when you do is it worth it? Do they understand? Does it really make you feel better. I am watching a moment with son and mother. Not willing to let go. Feeling like I'm intruding on something. Feeling like I don't really belong. Silently wishing I had that connection with my own family. Knowing I have to let go of any hope of that happening. Getting disappointed at every turn. Goodbye dream. I have to make my own now. Fumble through really hoping to get it right with my daughter.
I feel like I'm fighting for a lost cause, a common dream together we hold but the everyday moments are not there. So my walls are up. I am ok. I'm tired of talking and complaining. I am totally flooded by emotion I can't decipher. Some comfort coming from the word and from music. No effort is coming from who I really to be there.
So tired and drained. Just want something good to happen. Knowing I have to make it happen. Knowing how I feel is irrelevant and a waste of time. I will wait. Trust and stay hopeful so that in God's time I may be blessed. In the meantime vodka is a substitute.
The highs and lows of a wife and mother trying to find her place in the world
Sending love your way hun.
ReplyDeleteWhat you feel is never irrelevant or a waste of time because if you are feeling that way there must be a reason.
During your time with God lay everything out so that you can see it clearly, sometimes when everything in a situation is all bunched up we can't see a way out, but if you lay out everything evenly and have a bird's eye view, God will show you where to go from here.
Much luv hun, hope you start to feel better.