A moment

My daughter woke up, as she has been every night for a while. A simple cuddle and she goes back to sleep before I put her down. Tonight I decided to take her into my bed cuz it was cold and sat in my bed with her on my chest just for a little while. It reminded me of the first time I held her and the first few nights in hospital where the only place she would sleep was on my chest with an ear near my heart. It's the safest place for her. Just made me feel the weight of responsibility for her. In a good way. That I have been chosen to care for her. Until a time when God will call his people. This little bundle of promise. So precious.

I had a whole day without her today. My husband had some running around to do and offered to take her with him. I wasn't feeling well so I happily let her go. I think it was the most relaxed I'd felt in ages. I gave Dan the opportunity to be a dad and me permission to relax and do something for myself for a change. It was amazing. So now I can appreciate her even more and remind myself to cherish the short time we have together.

I so needed this break and am convinced this needs to be a regular thing!

Too much to ask?

Had forgotten how quickly I can get stressed. I don't understand how I can be ok one minute then be ropeable the next. All it takes is Maddison refusing to eat. I doubt myself... Am I really able to bring up my daughter well? Will I screw it up? Is God really here helping me? Am I giving my life over to God? Is he really guiding me or have I walked off the path? Should I be working? Am I being selfish staying at home with my daughter? Am I worthy enough to be an example on stage worshipping God? I don't think my life represents the image I am portraying on stage. I don't feel like I am the same person.

I need to be more! To be stronger, more honest. Less judgmental, less critical. I'm doing something wrong! I know it! I just wish i knew what it was.

I have great people who try and encourage me but I really need some answers. I feel like I'm covering up what's really going on. I can go out and be busy and just push things aside but that doesn't help me when I am alone. I then have to face myself and sort out my own thoughts. I need to work through them not push them aside. No one will help me with that. People just say that it's not who I am, they refuse to validate my thoughts. I'm not being dramatic looking for attention I just need to get my head clear. It's so fuzzy. I know what I'm like and this is me trying to work through things, addressing my thoughts and trying to cut through them to the real issue.

I know I think and say some really stupid things but some thoughts get muddled up and issues that need to be resolved are just pushed aside with all the other rubbish. I don't know how to fix it. I just know that I have to somehow.

I want to be able to sit alone and be happy with myself and content that i know who i am in God. Is that to much to ask?

Before the worst The Script

It’s been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain

So explain to me, how it came to this
Let’s take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
With vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?

But everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst
Before we met
Before our hearts decided it’s time to love again
Before today
Before too long
Let’s try and take it back before it all went wrong

There was a time that we’d stay up all night
Best friends, yeah, talking til the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to lose but so much to gain

Are you hearing me? Cuz I don’t wanna miss
That you would drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton street, on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you were mine for life

We were thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?

But everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst
Before we met
Before our hearts decided it’s time to love again
Before today
Before too long
Let’s try and take it back before it all went wrong

For some reason this song has resonated in my heart. Its captured my attention and sat in the back of mind all day.

Maybe its the piano rif, maybe its the melody, maybe its the lyrics. I dont know but its stuck. Its not about my husband. I dont know whats caught me. But tears come grieving over something I don't understand.

I thought about people I have lost and others I wish I knew better... some I think of all the time but also family I have adopted. How many times have we tried to take back things? It never works! We cant. Words are spoken and they stay in the hearts of those who heard them....

I think so much has gone wrong... I can't fix it, I just watch it getting worse... My own live, others in my life... it just gets worse and I feel like I'm watching it in slow motion.

I remember a time when I was happy, not a care in the world, I didnt drink, I didnt worry. It was a long time ago. Before I screwed it up... Maybe I dont remember it. Maybe it was just a dream.. I dont know. I think of my daughter and hope to God that I don't screw this up... I will not forgive myself if I did.