Had forgotten how quickly I can get stressed. I don't understand how I can be ok one minute then be ropeable the next. All it takes is Maddison refusing to eat. I doubt myself... Am I really able to bring up my daughter well? Will I screw it up? Is God really here helping me? Am I giving my life over to God? Is he really guiding me or have I walked off the path? Should I be working? Am I being selfish staying at home with my daughter? Am I worthy enough to be an example on stage worshipping God? I don't think my life represents the image I am portraying on stage. I don't feel like I am the same person.
I need to be more! To be stronger, more honest. Less judgmental, less critical. I'm doing something wrong! I know it! I just wish i knew what it was.
I have great people who try and encourage me but I really need some answers. I feel like I'm covering up what's really going on. I can go out and be busy and just push things aside but that doesn't help me when I am alone. I then have to face myself and sort out my own thoughts. I need to work through them not push them aside. No one will help me with that. People just say that it's not who I am, they refuse to validate my thoughts. I'm not being dramatic looking for attention I just need to get my head clear. It's so fuzzy. I know what I'm like and this is me trying to work through things, addressing my thoughts and trying to cut through them to the real issue.
I know I think and say some really stupid things but some thoughts get muddled up and issues that need to be resolved are just pushed aside with all the other rubbish. I don't know how to fix it. I just know that I have to somehow.
I want to be able to sit alone and be happy with myself and content that i know who i am in God. Is that to much to ask?
The highs and lows of a wife and mother trying to find her place in the world
Lisa, you forget one thing...YOU don't have to do a damn thing, just live your life and hand the rest over to God. He is the only one who can truly work through and heal the thoughts that go through your head and the feelings that you have. Easier said than done I know, but make it part of everyday to hand them over to God, an when one creeps up (which they inevitably do) sit yourself down and remind yourself that God is taking care of it all. It takes time and a commitment to do this but I promise in the long run it works.
ReplyDeleteAs for singing on stage. Not one person on stage is perfect! They ALL have their little insecurities and problems that they have to work through. But they are up there anyways because they love God. That is what you show up there, your love of God. That is what really encourages people to worship.
God gave you a gift for a reason, the gift of singing and the gift of Motherhood. He wouldn't have given you either if you weren't supposed to have them. Embrace it, thank God everyday for your gifts, because they are so precious.
Never fear about being a good mother, God will take care of your child even when you feel you can't. He won't let her go, ever.
Trust in who you are and who God has made you, because he has made you exactly how you should be. He doesn't make mistakes.
I know you can do this.
Kristin