The Battle

Again today she ponders, all week she has fought a mental battle. Mostly her temper caused by the frustration of her 3 year old daughter. Food arguments along with a day of undie wetting despite that fact that this child has been toilet trained for a while now. The constant shadow that she spends every minute of the day falling over plus a 1 year old daughter that need her to be in the same room at all time. So amongst the everyday battles of motherhood in the rare moment she gets to be alone with her thoughts she sees a herself struggling and and mentally fighting for control. So the tiny temper snap from her husband sends all logic out the window. She is angry that he is angry about nothing.... how ridiculous! Truth is that the anger stems from not allowing herself to snap. Therefore anyone else in her world that does is automatically the enemy. As her mind thinks of how ridiculous this all sounds it kind of makes sense. At the moment no solution pops into her head but at least it makes sense. So she moves onto think of her daughter going to kindy tomorrow. She almost feels guilty for being so excited to have her gone for 2 days a week... But quickly realises sometimes it's much harder to reason with her younger sister.. She doubts having her out of the way for a day with make it any easier... The guilt she feels already for being a stay at home compounds with the lack of control she feels she has. Her view on her role as a mother is plummeting. The feeling of failure looming. She wonders how to pull herself together and get on with it. Wishing she was doing everything better and feeling that she isn't doing anything at all well. The new opportunities have lost their appeal and buzz. Instead they have changed to stress of finance, time and doubts... And that's before any of them have even started. That's not a good sign she thinks. She blindly now holds out her faith that things will work out. Her children with settle down into a routine once more and she will feel less frustrated and enjoy life a little bit more. She sees now that the first step is always the hardest and at this moment there is a lot of first steps. As she feels her eyes fill with unshed tears she realises the pressure she put herself under by cramming everything into one box instead of taking each day at a time. The anger she lashed out is more to do with the anger she feels for herself. Knowing all the things she should have done but didn't. She allows no room for error in her life but gives everyone else an abundance of grace. She feels unbalanced and unstable. At the moment she has no mentor... No one to guide her through this. Even if she did she is reluctant to share her heart for fear of vulnerability. A fear of losing control once again. Not wanting to go there again she fights her battles on her own. Often not even sharing them with her husband. Shame fills her for not being fair to those around her. The journey is tough and wasn't meant to be done alone. When there is no more thoughts she stops. Prays. Resolves to change. Remembering to take one day at a time. The song stuck in my head for the last few days is 'Rescue me' by Kerri Roberts. I think its exactly how I feel right now.

Staying in control

Today, infuriated and for what? What wasn't said, done or considered? She resists the urge to throw a glass at the wall and scream in frustration. It will pass. The fury will go. The reality won't. She knows she will be stretched. Her acceptance of things will grow. In the meantime she will forego the things that she really wants. She will struggle to remain calm and hold off resentment. Knowing angry words will not solve the problem. Although her tank is empty she draws peace from God's full tank. There is no where else to turn. With the anger subsiding she is thinking hard. How to get the point across without causing a fight. She gives up knowing the words will mean nothing. She will be made to feel like she's being unfair and not clear on she wants. This may be true so she refrains from saying anything at all. Going to put the children to bed the battle in her mind constantly going but her outside demeanour stays calm. Praying that anger stays in check and somehow trusting God will sort out the mess.

The best life

Today she ponders. Her little girls growing up. Times when life was tough, and the simple pleasures she once had. There were blanks in her life when nothing made sense and she struggled for peace. Now still wondering if there is any way to reconcile those times. She realises there isn't but she can fight for never returning to that place. A decision made today to keep moving forward, to take the opportunities that come her way and keep fighting for what's important and letting go of the things that don't matter. An opportunity has come to grow her, to move her forward. A challenge that is exciting but daunting. Something that will stretch her family but bring them closer together. Doubts arise but for now she pushes them aside and she decides to jump headfirst into it with agreement from her husband she allows herself enjoy the thought of being able to make a difference. Along with the decision comes revelation of her drive to shift her focus that has been on herself and family to someone else's family. A desire that she knew was always there to reach out and be there for somewhere else. Her life has always consisted of this desire in small measures but now an opportunity to solely focus on it in a greater scale. She refuses to fall back into the doubts of insecurity and her introverted nature. She sees a bigger picture. Alongside her husband, who holds doubt himself, she stands and accepts the challenge knowing there is nothing to lose and everything to gain. That young woman who struggled to see which way was up not so long ago, is stepping up to find the greater need in others. To find hope that all people are not lost. That there are people who still love, trust, forgive and hope. This year will bring its own challenges and struggles but as she sits and ponders, she may find the lesson in those circumstances and be confident to share them with someone who will benefit from it. With a smile on her face she feels the love of her family and the smile of God on her life. May this year be 'the best life' yet.

A cloudy day

Today I spent a good part of the day beating myself up and feeling guilty. Not paying attention to my little girl when she woke up in the early hours of the morning. I was tired, I was frustrated and I just wanted some sleep. I discovered that feeling guilty and criticising myself as a mother wasn't overly affective in anything else except making me feel worse... I got this beautiful thought after I slid into bed, giving a quick prayer to God that I would actually sleep well tonight. God is the comfort when the humans mess up. That when I sent my daughter to bed for the second time Jesus has his arm around her saying its ok, Mum is just tired I'll make you feel better. Even though I don't love my daughter any less, as humans we just can't see past our own weaknesses. That's where God steps in and takes over while we are trying to find the patience, the energy and the strength to keep going... It's like the grandparent, aunties and uncles or the family friends stepping in but better. I thank God for being there for her when I wasn't. Another thought and picture came, The dark clouds that cover the sky are our wrong thoughts. Sometimes we keep building up things till they are crazy dark storm clouds, God is the sun behind those clouds. He is always there, move the clouds and you will find him. How do u move the clouds? You make the wind shift. A change in our thought pattern will change the wind, the direction our thoughts are going and will then reveal the sun that is covered behind them. Amazing. Even though I felt horrible all day, I have been thinking so many negative things today. God gives me this... When I finally let my guard down and let him in. When I stopped beating myself up long enough to ask Him what I had done wrong today and how I could fix it... I love that in my moment of darkness just a tiny bit of room I left him, He penetrated through the cloudy sky to pierce my heart. I am glad he watches over my girls, because as much I try to protect them I will never always be there but he will and he will protect me and give me the comfort I need to continue to be there for my daughters.