The Battle

Again today she ponders, all week she has fought a mental battle. Mostly her temper caused by the frustration of her 3 year old daughter. Food arguments along with a day of undie wetting despite that fact that this child has been toilet trained for a while now. The constant shadow that she spends every minute of the day falling over plus a 1 year old daughter that need her to be in the same room at all time. So amongst the everyday battles of motherhood in the rare moment she gets to be alone with her thoughts she sees a herself struggling and and mentally fighting for control. So the tiny temper snap from her husband sends all logic out the window. She is angry that he is angry about nothing.... how ridiculous! Truth is that the anger stems from not allowing herself to snap. Therefore anyone else in her world that does is automatically the enemy. As her mind thinks of how ridiculous this all sounds it kind of makes sense. At the moment no solution pops into her head but at least it makes sense. So she moves onto think of her daughter going to kindy tomorrow. She almost feels guilty for being so excited to have her gone for 2 days a week... But quickly realises sometimes it's much harder to reason with her younger sister.. She doubts having her out of the way for a day with make it any easier... The guilt she feels already for being a stay at home compounds with the lack of control she feels she has. Her view on her role as a mother is plummeting. The feeling of failure looming. She wonders how to pull herself together and get on with it. Wishing she was doing everything better and feeling that she isn't doing anything at all well. The new opportunities have lost their appeal and buzz. Instead they have changed to stress of finance, time and doubts... And that's before any of them have even started. That's not a good sign she thinks. She blindly now holds out her faith that things will work out. Her children with settle down into a routine once more and she will feel less frustrated and enjoy life a little bit more. She sees now that the first step is always the hardest and at this moment there is a lot of first steps. As she feels her eyes fill with unshed tears she realises the pressure she put herself under by cramming everything into one box instead of taking each day at a time. The anger she lashed out is more to do with the anger she feels for herself. Knowing all the things she should have done but didn't. She allows no room for error in her life but gives everyone else an abundance of grace. She feels unbalanced and unstable. At the moment she has no mentor... No one to guide her through this. Even if she did she is reluctant to share her heart for fear of vulnerability. A fear of losing control once again. Not wanting to go there again she fights her battles on her own. Often not even sharing them with her husband. Shame fills her for not being fair to those around her. The journey is tough and wasn't meant to be done alone. When there is no more thoughts she stops. Prays. Resolves to change. Remembering to take one day at a time. The song stuck in my head for the last few days is 'Rescue me' by Kerri Roberts. I think its exactly how I feel right now.