Self Worth

I haven't been here in a while. We are all busy. But this week I have had to stop. I slept wrong and hurt my back. Not like excruciating pain but enough to slow me down. I hate being interrupted in the middle of something so this was a mental battle. I didn't want to hurt myself further but also desperate to get done what needed to be done.

The pain could be managed but I wanted it fixed. So 3 physio appointments later, my movement is better but still not back to normal. It was brought to my attention that I have been going to the physio for 10 years now with the same problem. All down to terrible posture. Great. Now I actually have to think about how I'm sitting, how I'm lifting my children and getting them in the car, how long I stare at my iPad....

Not what I wanted to be thinking about this week.

So what do I do next. Well to start with actually doing the exercises and stretches that have been recommended to me, plus taking care of myself. That is a lesson I never wanted to take. I know I abuse my body. I ignore it, deprive it, force it to do things it probably shouldn't do, I push it to its limits and now it's fighting back. I am not strong enough to win against it. I must yield.

This means that I need to learn how to love my body and respect it. Self worth. Something I am not good at. Value myself. How? How do I do that? Suggestions welcome.

My brain never allows me to find my value. It's hidden away just out of reach, I think I'm making progress then I slip into the abusing phase. There is no way that I can find my way out of this on my own. It means admitting defeat and letting God take over this part of my heart that has been guarded well.

How this chapter will go I don't know but I need support through this and prayers. It's a tough discovery about myself that I wish I never had to face. But I'm here and I will weather the storm and hopefully come out a better person.

Feeling unproductive

Last night I sat at hens night with a couple of ladies I knew well. We were talking about kids then the topic moved onto work. Again this guilt came over me as it has since the birth of my first child. Why aren't you working? The ladies I was with knew me so that question didn't need to be asked but I felt useless. Yes I am a mum and that is the most important thing to me, but some days I wish to be something else other than mum. I know I'm not doing a great job at being mum and would like to check out for a little while. Have a 'mental health day' and just pretend I was somewhere else doing something useful.

The problem with getting a job is that I have barely any experience and no qualifications to get me anywhere. So that useless feeling heightens. The cost of childcare will be as much as I was earning therefore not productive. So I have played around with this idea for years and each time have dismissed it. Instead I have thrown myself into a role at church as a leader. It comes at a price for my emotional state though. I have deal with people and I have never been good at it. I stress about that more than I do being a mum sometimes. It feels unproductive at the moment. I know that it will get better but for now its hard.

I seem to be at the stage of struggling through family dramas again with no solution in sight short of moving far away. I can't do anything to help there either except let it go, which I almost impossible when it comes to parents and in laws.

I was kind of hoping that writing things might help make me feel better about today. I was wrong. I will just continue to pray that things will get better. What else can I do?

Fight

She impatiently wipes away tears, a fight that came out of no where. An underlying issue she can't pin point. She was surprising calm when he slammed out that door a speed up the street. Came back to take her daughter to the movies. Now she fights tears trying to pin point her new found pain and anger. Angry her head goes places she thought she buried, sad that she is missing the quality time. But knowing he's to busy and she won't make time for it. She feels as though she needs to change her likes and dislikes to suit him, to make him feel like he's valued no matter how she feels. Forced her whole life to change who she is to suit someone else. Eventually settled to be pushed around and guilted into things to make someone else feel better. Every time she fights for something it ends up in her giving up and letting whoever get what they want and then she gets stronger as a person to deal with the consequences of her own own mind. Today she is angry for being told she ruins every special holiday. Growing up it was Christmas, she did something wrong then ruined it for everyone. Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays. Didn't matter what day it was, she ruined it. Years of berating herself for ruining everything, she has no idea what she did to ruin it. So today because of an argument she has yet again ruined something. When will she learn to shut her mouth and go along with everything. She is fighting for her freedom of speech but never actually being heard. So today she will again bite the bullet, shut up, apologise, fix it and then fight mentally to accept the outcome. The only benefit to this solution is she will force herself to be stronger mentally. When everything else is falling apart she will control her mind. Stay in control of her mind and words. Then hopefully she will feel some sort of happiness. In all honesty she doesn't know what's right anymore, she doesn't feel valid. All she knows is this is what she needs to do to make herself feel like she's doing the right things by him. Compromising. The pain she feels will pass and she will deal with it on her own. Today she hates her personality... Feels vaguely familiar.

Melancolic

There are four temperaments, Sanguine, Melancholic, Choleric and Phlegmatic. While we all show traits of all these personality types, we show one more than the others. I thought seeing as today I failed completely, I would explain why. It will also explain my cryptic 'story' posts (If you haven't all left me that is). Here are the Wiki descriptions of the personality types. Sanguine The sanguine temperament is fundamentally impulsive and pleasure-seeking; sanguine people are sociable and charismatic. They tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be boisterous. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean sensitive, compassionate and romantic. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when they pursue a new hobby, they lose interest as soon as it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. Sanguines generally have an almost shameless nature, certain that what they are doing is right. They have no lack of confidence. Sanguine people are warm-hearted, pleasant, lively and optimistic. Choleric The choleric temperament is fundamentally ambitious and leader-like. They have a lot of aggression, energy, and/or passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were choleric. They like to be in charge of everything. However, they can quickly fall into a deep depression or be moody. Melancholic The melancholic temperament is fundamentally introverted and thoughtful. Melancholic people often were perceived as very (or overly) pondering and considerate, getting rather worried when they could not be on time for events. Melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become preoccupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. Often they are perfectionists. They are self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is that they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others. Phlegmatic The phlegmatic temperament is fundamentally relaxed and quiet, ranging from warmly attentive to lazily sluggish. Phlegmatics tend to be content with themselves and are kind. They are accepting and affectionate. They may be receptive and shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. They are consistent, relaxed, calm, rational, curious, and observant, qualities that make them good administrators. They can also be passive-aggressive. So if you haven't guessed I am a Melancholic and Choleric. I have spent today frustrated that because things didn't go to plan. I needed to go grocery shopping and our internet transfers didn't go through so I couldn't access money. I managed to get fuel in the car so I could pick up Maddison from kindy but that was it. So my carefully planned out day was completely messed up. I make a menu plan each fortnight so I don't have to decided what to cook for dinner it's already there ready to go, so now I have to rearrange it. That's the choleric in me. Later my melancholy side came out, I was worrying about people in situations that had nothing to do with me and getting emotional over it! It sounds stupid but that's what happens. I have to mentally make up my mind to let things go. I asked God why I do that. I told him I hated being a melancholy and all my life I wanted to be a sanguine like the amazing people around me. I wanted to be comfortable talking to people and asking them about themselves. Something that I struggle with on a daily basis. The response I got? I made you like that. You are who I made you. Ouch! Sorry God I just told you I hated who I am. Knowing you have a purpose and actually believing it are two very different things. I have always hated who I am and still continue to struggle with accepting that I have just as much to give as the sanguines around me. It's just expressed in a different way. So I must embrace who I am and God made me like that for a reason. I need to ignore the negative traits and focus on being who I am and he will use me as he intended. The grace of God is amazing. Some days I can just let God take over and run with it, like the day I made up my mind to study this year, when I said yes to moving up into leadership and when I promised myself that I would get out more and be sociable this year. I am just about to start in these areas and the hardest part is making plans and completing forms. So my pondering lead to me realising that God loves me and I am wonderfully and fearfully made. Also that he will use me if I am willing. So far I have said yes and I always follow through. I can never do life WELL without God. I can do life but it's never satisfying. I know this year will be. It holds a atmosphere that is incomprehensible. So there's a little insight to me. Hope it was interesting. I will get back to my story writing soon. x

The Battle

Again today she ponders, all week she has fought a mental battle. Mostly her temper caused by the frustration of her 3 year old daughter. Food arguments along with a day of undie wetting despite that fact that this child has been toilet trained for a while now. The constant shadow that she spends every minute of the day falling over plus a 1 year old daughter that need her to be in the same room at all time. So amongst the everyday battles of motherhood in the rare moment she gets to be alone with her thoughts she sees a herself struggling and and mentally fighting for control. So the tiny temper snap from her husband sends all logic out the window. She is angry that he is angry about nothing.... how ridiculous! Truth is that the anger stems from not allowing herself to snap. Therefore anyone else in her world that does is automatically the enemy. As her mind thinks of how ridiculous this all sounds it kind of makes sense. At the moment no solution pops into her head but at least it makes sense. So she moves onto think of her daughter going to kindy tomorrow. She almost feels guilty for being so excited to have her gone for 2 days a week... But quickly realises sometimes it's much harder to reason with her younger sister.. She doubts having her out of the way for a day with make it any easier... The guilt she feels already for being a stay at home compounds with the lack of control she feels she has. Her view on her role as a mother is plummeting. The feeling of failure looming. She wonders how to pull herself together and get on with it. Wishing she was doing everything better and feeling that she isn't doing anything at all well. The new opportunities have lost their appeal and buzz. Instead they have changed to stress of finance, time and doubts... And that's before any of them have even started. That's not a good sign she thinks. She blindly now holds out her faith that things will work out. Her children with settle down into a routine once more and she will feel less frustrated and enjoy life a little bit more. She sees now that the first step is always the hardest and at this moment there is a lot of first steps. As she feels her eyes fill with unshed tears she realises the pressure she put herself under by cramming everything into one box instead of taking each day at a time. The anger she lashed out is more to do with the anger she feels for herself. Knowing all the things she should have done but didn't. She allows no room for error in her life but gives everyone else an abundance of grace. She feels unbalanced and unstable. At the moment she has no mentor... No one to guide her through this. Even if she did she is reluctant to share her heart for fear of vulnerability. A fear of losing control once again. Not wanting to go there again she fights her battles on her own. Often not even sharing them with her husband. Shame fills her for not being fair to those around her. The journey is tough and wasn't meant to be done alone. When there is no more thoughts she stops. Prays. Resolves to change. Remembering to take one day at a time. The song stuck in my head for the last few days is 'Rescue me' by Kerri Roberts. I think its exactly how I feel right now.

Staying in control

Today, infuriated and for what? What wasn't said, done or considered? She resists the urge to throw a glass at the wall and scream in frustration. It will pass. The fury will go. The reality won't. She knows she will be stretched. Her acceptance of things will grow. In the meantime she will forego the things that she really wants. She will struggle to remain calm and hold off resentment. Knowing angry words will not solve the problem. Although her tank is empty she draws peace from God's full tank. There is no where else to turn. With the anger subsiding she is thinking hard. How to get the point across without causing a fight. She gives up knowing the words will mean nothing. She will be made to feel like she's being unfair and not clear on she wants. This may be true so she refrains from saying anything at all. Going to put the children to bed the battle in her mind constantly going but her outside demeanour stays calm. Praying that anger stays in check and somehow trusting God will sort out the mess.

The best life

Today she ponders. Her little girls growing up. Times when life was tough, and the simple pleasures she once had. There were blanks in her life when nothing made sense and she struggled for peace. Now still wondering if there is any way to reconcile those times. She realises there isn't but she can fight for never returning to that place. A decision made today to keep moving forward, to take the opportunities that come her way and keep fighting for what's important and letting go of the things that don't matter. An opportunity has come to grow her, to move her forward. A challenge that is exciting but daunting. Something that will stretch her family but bring them closer together. Doubts arise but for now she pushes them aside and she decides to jump headfirst into it with agreement from her husband she allows herself enjoy the thought of being able to make a difference. Along with the decision comes revelation of her drive to shift her focus that has been on herself and family to someone else's family. A desire that she knew was always there to reach out and be there for somewhere else. Her life has always consisted of this desire in small measures but now an opportunity to solely focus on it in a greater scale. She refuses to fall back into the doubts of insecurity and her introverted nature. She sees a bigger picture. Alongside her husband, who holds doubt himself, she stands and accepts the challenge knowing there is nothing to lose and everything to gain. That young woman who struggled to see which way was up not so long ago, is stepping up to find the greater need in others. To find hope that all people are not lost. That there are people who still love, trust, forgive and hope. This year will bring its own challenges and struggles but as she sits and ponders, she may find the lesson in those circumstances and be confident to share them with someone who will benefit from it. With a smile on her face she feels the love of her family and the smile of God on her life. May this year be 'the best life' yet.

A cloudy day

Today I spent a good part of the day beating myself up and feeling guilty. Not paying attention to my little girl when she woke up in the early hours of the morning. I was tired, I was frustrated and I just wanted some sleep. I discovered that feeling guilty and criticising myself as a mother wasn't overly affective in anything else except making me feel worse... I got this beautiful thought after I slid into bed, giving a quick prayer to God that I would actually sleep well tonight. God is the comfort when the humans mess up. That when I sent my daughter to bed for the second time Jesus has his arm around her saying its ok, Mum is just tired I'll make you feel better. Even though I don't love my daughter any less, as humans we just can't see past our own weaknesses. That's where God steps in and takes over while we are trying to find the patience, the energy and the strength to keep going... It's like the grandparent, aunties and uncles or the family friends stepping in but better. I thank God for being there for her when I wasn't. Another thought and picture came, The dark clouds that cover the sky are our wrong thoughts. Sometimes we keep building up things till they are crazy dark storm clouds, God is the sun behind those clouds. He is always there, move the clouds and you will find him. How do u move the clouds? You make the wind shift. A change in our thought pattern will change the wind, the direction our thoughts are going and will then reveal the sun that is covered behind them. Amazing. Even though I felt horrible all day, I have been thinking so many negative things today. God gives me this... When I finally let my guard down and let him in. When I stopped beating myself up long enough to ask Him what I had done wrong today and how I could fix it... I love that in my moment of darkness just a tiny bit of room I left him, He penetrated through the cloudy sky to pierce my heart. I am glad he watches over my girls, because as much I try to protect them I will never always be there but he will and he will protect me and give me the comfort I need to continue to be there for my daughters.