The tough people

Do you know any people who can weather just about anything life throws at them? I am thinking about two. They still smile and laugh even when their world is falling apart.
I love knowing people like that. Its my inspiration to get over myself and keep fighting because one day I'll need to be that tough person. To hold together the people that are falling apart.

These two friends make me smile, they offer wisdom and support even in the midst of their heartache, they are there.

I pray for these people. That what they go through will being them out on top stronger and wiser than ever. That they help those around them who havent learnt how to stand strong. Like me.

Tam we love you. You are a everyday person with an extraordinary heart and huge capacity to love. A vicious bite to defend your beliefs and your family. I admire that you are not afraid to openly protect them.

Brad you make me smile and laugh at stupid things. Your health may be failing but your friendships are getting stronger. You have the heart of a lion, you are tough but so gentle when you need to be. I only pray that you will know God and be strengthened further in Him.

I love that God places certain people in our world to remind us that we are human and cant control some situations but we fight hard and be amazed at how how we come out on top. We get inspired to be better, to be stronger and to be more equipped to help others.

Thank you friends, you inspire me.

My night just made my whole day better

I love that when your having a bad day someone else is having a good day and they take the time to make you feel 100x better.

I love you Marta Preston you are so anointed and beautiful and just plain amazing!

The cloud in my head

I am feeling a little bit tired, a bit confused, a bit unsure, am lacking confidence and feeling useless.

There is no major problem no tip of the ice burg, no last straw just feeling lost.
I don't know where my relationships are at, no idea what's going on with our plans... just living from one day to the next, pay check to pay check. Helping people here and there but life doesn't really have to much meaning at the moment. Have too many questions. No answers. Just wondering where things will go from here. No firm thoughts, ideas, goals or anything.

I'm procrastinating, over thinking things, reading a little too deeply between the lines. I have no idea where I stand in life, in relationships or even as a mother.

I feel dull. Life just looks dull. Things changing around me and I can barely keep up. Decisions that need to be made keep floating around my head but I can't or won't make up my mind. I can't be being asked any questions right now. Because I just have no answers.

God is my answer but right now he is silent. I can only pray he removes the cloud from my head so I can see clearly again. So I can get excited and hold some firm hope. Right now I am clutching at straws to find hope.

there is no specifics...

just fog.

Best friends

Have you ever felt like you have best friends but have never been someone elses? I have always wanted to have that mutual friendship. One person to which you share your entire life with and they share theirs. A person who talks to you first and shares their sorrows, happiness and wisdom. The one person who holds your trust and shares your secrets.

I realised after thinking about this that God wants this for us. I don't need a best friend on earth when I have a God who in heaven promises this and so much more. I may not be anyone's best friend, but I have the best friend I can be 100% certain that will never let me down.

I know I'm not the best friend but I do know that I try to be honest and fair. I wont always get it right but I know that God loves me anyway and accepts me as I am. What more could I want?

I have learnt

Listening to other people and the problems they are facing have caused me to really think about what I'm saying to help them. Am I saying that I know how they feel when I dont, am I offering advice they dont want or am I just listening when they want confirmation or understanding? I never really know what to say, but I think first before talking about myself, I ask questions to try and find out what they want.

One thing I have learnt in all this is that you cant always 'fix' your circumstance, but its how you handle your thoughts and actions during that time that determines how much or how little you grow and learn.

My circumstances havent changed but I am no longer feeling helpless and angry. I am holding onto a dream and believing we will get there. If I focus on the circumstance I lose hope and feel lost, when I put all my energy in the future I feel hopeful, empowered and positive.

Now all I need to do is convince those around me to take on a new perspective and live in the power and grace of God to change the mindset of his people! Its a difficult goal but I know I must for those we love.

I have learnt so now I must teach.

Reading

I started reading over what I've written this year. Not a good idea. I cried. I remember the moments so clearly. My heart is still healing. I know those who read this may not get the full picture as I was quite vague. But I guess I expressed what I needed to say. I dont know if it helped. I almost wish I had just not said anything. That way I could never see it again, read it and feel that pain again.

Contemplating

How blessed it my life. I have a husband who loves me, the most beautiful daughter and a good family. I had a not so good past and few weak moments of late, but right now I understand how truly blessed I am.

My mind is stable, my emotions are controllable and I know whats right. Nothing will ever be perfect but I know I am strong and when I'm not I can lean on those who are.

Oh to be content with the love of God and those who love him.

It took a while

I finally feel normal... It only took 9mths!!

After a 30min session on my treadmill I realised that my body and mind are starting to function normally again. I am fitter than I feel and my mind is not screwing with me so much. I felt like it was never going to end and that I would do something drastic to make me better. I survived without drugs and without some extreme situation to realise that I would be ok... eventually.

My life hasnt come to an end just because I had a baby, in fact it has been enriched. It just took a while to notice that. I never knew I could worry and love so much at the same time. I never knew that I could be so calm and gentle with my daughter. Or just relaxed with her.

I've learned so much by having her, I know I wouldnt want to live life without her. I have grown in more ways than I ever knew possible. She is a bright shining light in a dark world. So innocent and dependent. I just keep praying that I dont screw this up.

So it took awhile to know the value in my life, the point and the joy. But I'm there and I love it. Its not perfect but I appreciate it.

Vision

This morning I read about an open door. Ps Phil Pringle has a blog that is basically him pulling apart a scripture. I read todays. One thing hit me. He wrote, 'Getting a vision from God is way more important than getting your own vision'

It sounds like a basic concept, but how many times have been so set on getting something and getting so annoyed when it doesnt happen and asking God why. Maybe its because its not his vision, its ours. I do believe that God gives us the desires of our heart. So what we want is from him but maybe its not this specific thing. Maybe its something else a bit further down the track...

I dont know when it will happen, I do think it will happen in His timing. I think I need to stop fighting for this specific thing and just focus on him and the blessings he is giving us in the meantime.

It will happen. I am learning to be patient and to really just trust him in what looks impossible.

Easter

God sacrificed so much. I can only forget my issues for one weekend to honour our King. Who gave up his life so we didnt have to.

Remember.. but also feel blessed to be loved by someone so great.

Stumbling

I am angry, I feel alone, there is too much in my head. I'm frustrated, I'm confused. No one can tell us what to do. We dont know what to do! I am so angry that I can't be calm and rational. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. Its not straight forward. I'm tired of making bad choices. God has gotten us out of a couple of bad decisions but we are paying for it now.

I hate that I dream big and have lots of drive but at the first hiccup I spiral out of control. I doubt if its for us, I wonder if we deserve it. I hate that I'm not stronger. I really believed God wanted us to have this. Now it just looks impossible. I know in my heart that God can do the impossible, I just wish my head would listen.

I wish that I could just be content with what we have. But I'm not content and havent been for ages. I just want to fight for it! I want to fight for us but I dont know how. And I'm just tired.

I'm trying so hard to trust God. But the obstacles that are coming up are just so big. I feel like I've been standing strong and fighting for ages..

I dont know what to do anymore. Hang in there everyone says. Its not helping. I have been hanging for a long time! Something good has to happen soon.

I dont feel strong, brave or anything else. I'm just stumbling through. I just hope that thats enough.