Depression

How do you define depression? Where does it come from and when do u know its a problem? How do u diagnose a feeling, an emotion? I never believed I suffered from it. I still don't but I cant shake this strange mood I'm in. I was nearly convinced to see a doctor about it a few years back. I never went, I talked myself out it.

This mood is a dangerous place for me to be in. It leads to alcohol... which leads to a darker mood and more bad stuff follows. Maybe having a baby has caught up with me finally. I've nearly lost my identity. You become a mother not a person. Your whole world revolves around this little being. Don't get me wrong, I dont regret having Maddison, she really is a little angel. I just always have to think of her first, i know thats normal but I feel ripped off, No one elses first thought is her. They can just do whatever they want whenever without a second thought for her. I am not a single mother but I sure as hell feel like one. When will it change?

I should be getting excited about Christmas. I was, but something changed and I don't know what it was. Maybe for all the bad memories it brings back. I'm sure Mum didn't mean to do it, that's just how it was. I always ruined it. It should be different this year... I just can't block these thoughts. I always wanted to make Mum understand what she's done to me. But I can't and don't think I ever will. It doesn't seem fair. I only hope I don't pass on this to my children.