What a day

I was angry. But in truth my anger has faded to the cold realisation that I expected too much. Disappointed, hurt... and just plain sad. Tired of excuses, tired of hoping and getting excited. Just plain tired. I am worn out. Being a mum to my daughter and my husband, trying to go back to the activities I enjoyed before I was pregnant and trying to stay optimistic. I was once a strong, determined person, I knew what I wanted out of life and I knew what to expect. Now its all a jumbled mess. My past coming back to drag me down, the dark moods, the temptations, the hurts. I thought I got past all that.

I am tired of trying so hard, of analyzing my motives, behaviours and thoughts. I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm tired of feeling guilty because I've ignored the one person I need the most. My God. I've been thrashing around in the water and suddenly I have no fight left in me and I'm slipping away. I know everyone wants something from me. An ear, a hand, some encouragement... I tried I really did. To be what they needed. I tried not to be selfish but here I am... thinking of myself yet again.

Why do mothers have so much influence, why is their approval and support so damn important. Words don't mean much to me anymore. In fact right now they mean absolutely nothing. Actions speak louder than words she used to say. Her actions are deafening.

This has got to be the most confusing, all of the place, blog I've written so far. So I'll stop. My head is a mess, my emotions are just as bad, but as usual I will push through cuz really its not that bad. In reality no one really cares. There is worse situations to be in and ppl think my life is awesome, so why complain? One day I'll have it together and I'll feel content. One day I will be stable. Today is not that day.

My apologies for the mess, I will clean it up soon.