Missing

Today I feel as though I am missing something. If only I knew what it was. Nothing is stable, comfortable or reassuring. I feel like I need a good DNM except I know it won't fix anything. Probably will raise more questions than answers.

Things that I want that I'm not sure I should have. Questions I want to ask but don't think I can bare to hear the answer and things I want to say but think no one wants to hear.

Feelings of anger that I can't explain. The things I doubt in myself that I can't shake. If I tried to put these feelings into words they just sound so stupid and trivial. So I don't say them. I think it goes away for a while until a trigger sets them off.

I feel like a loaded gun that is going to go off any minute. The problem is I don't want to try and explain the mess that will follow to the unfortunate person who may cop it.

I'm sure I will be fine. Like the headache I have now, it will go away soon. I cant stop it from reoccurring but as usual I deal with it as it comes.

This sounds so dramatic, I feel like I'm writing fiction. Maybe I am. Or maybe I should write. I just want to be happy, like everyone else. Like everyone else I have problems, feelings and flaws. I am no different. I am blended into my surroundings and have never stood out. Why would I want to now?

I think I want fuss some days, I think I want sympathy... but when I get it, I don't know what to do with it. I can't take anything positive spoken to me. I don't know why. I can't hear listen to others complaints without feeling... well sad about myself. Does that make me selfish? I get angry at some people who are always sick. I can't explain that. That makes me unable to be sympathetic to others. Wow I must be a really sucky person to be with. I hate that about myself.

So back to 'missing' what is missing? Me.