Brokeness

I was not looking forward to singing tonight at church. I can't pinpoint why but I just wasnt in the mood. My voice is not in the best shape, my body was being weird today and my mind was seriously not there.

So I get up there, when normally the cares of the day just get stripped, they didn't. They hung over me, I felt restricted. Not just in my mind but actually physically. I couldnt not make myself jump around. Normally I can just turn my head off and bounce around and sing and praise God but tonight there was something different going on. My body felt like a dead weight, my mind wouldnt focus and the crazy thing was that the spirit of God was there. He still moved and touched people. It wasnt like bad worship. It was just me. I tried to fight but it's like I had no strength left in me.

I was getting ready to leave because Dan didn't come to church and he was picking me up. When I ran into Shireen and Eloise. Shez asked me what was wrong and I just said I didnt want to talk about it. She wanted to know if there was anything she could do to help. I said no....

Well we talked and I skimmed over the details and got to the bit about not being able to worship and she said that I had been broken. After holding myself together when everything else was going wrong, one little thing just broke me. I really did break then. Silent tears, me realising the weight, the burden that I had been carrying. She said it was ok to be broken, because in that God is strongest. When we hold on, God can't move. It was then I felt the burden being taken off me.

There are some things we arent meant to carry. I can't carry my husband's God life, I can't carry my family's problems... I can't carry even my own issues. God places burdens on our heart to help others not to weigh us down, so when we are being weighed down to the point where we can barely breathe. Its not right. Cast your burdens upon him. That's what the WORD says.

Clearly I was not doing that. I was not talking to anyone because I didnt want to sound like a complaining annoying person who is always whinging about herself. So I didn't let anyone help me, I just thought it would fix itself. Well that was an epic fail. Within 15mins of talking to my Godly friends and praying with them, I felt their love towards me and their pain at seeing me struggle and really felt God's presence and love telling me that it would all be ok and that things will work out.

I was writing this morning at how I wanted to know someone so intensely, till I realised that the only person I should be wanting to know was God. I need to making the time to spend with him. Putting him even before my daughter and my husband. Even just for 10mins. I was also writing that I wanted to feel worthy. My friend said she saw God bursting with love for me, that when he sees my smile he jumps for joy. Literally jumps! That he loves me so intensely and gets excited just when he sees me.

Wow, that's crazy to think God. The creator of the universe gets so excited that he bursts and jumps just because he's seen me smile. He has given me HIS heart and I have given him mine. How beautiful and precious to know that God loves me so deeply. So intensely and he knows me inside out. It just makes me what to know everything about him.

Today I was a broken, burdened and constricted person. Tonight I have just been freed. Ps Gordon was preaching on freedom tonight. God put that into practice tonight. He placed people in my world for a reason. He made me EXACTLY the way I am for a reason. I live to serve him and only him. MY heart bursts with love for him.

God you will be glorified and praised for as long as there is breath in my lungs. Thank you for being everything I need.
"Christ is risen, in Christ I stand
Forever I praise you, the great I am
Christ is with us, Emanuel
Highest Hosanna, IT IS WELL"