I just realise I never do this... Write after I've a had a few drinks. Because I know that my spelling will be atrocious and that my words will brutally honest. Lucky I'm not that far gone yet.
I opened the floor for comments in my last post... No one responded. Which on one hand says to me that people read but say nothing or that no one reads. I am almost glad that no one reads cuz I think I write rubbish most of the time but also I feel sometimes lonely.
Ok so I admit I write rubbish. I used to be creative, I loved making things up and writing. But now it's different. I don't have as much time, I have lost my independence, my freedom to be me.
As much as I'm ok with this to a point... I feel that when I make an effort it falls on deaf ears. Should I be surprised... well no. I have learned that when you become pregnant that you get attention for the baby and when you have the baby, it'll never be about you ever again.
I had people talking to me that would never give me the time of day... but I realised that it was because I created something they had yet to experience that I held their attention. Sad really.
I love being a mum but I totally just miss being me. I miss being acknowledged and loved just because of me and not because I have a totally cute baby.
Ok so I'm being selfish. I warned you I am under the influence. I just want to feel like I belong and that I am valued just because I am me not because I am a mother.
Funny that I had other things I was going to write about and this is what came out...
The highs and lows of a wife and mother trying to find her place in the world
Never think of it as "You are no longer you". Your baby is an extension of you, something that you have created.
ReplyDeleteI was reading this post and got a picture of a butterfly. We all start out as caterpillars, but motherhood, something that onle WE can do, is a morphology into a new reality of who we are, something so very very beautiful. It's not the loss of our life before, rather the start of a brighter, more beautiful one.
Never give up sweety, you are a very beautiful person, and you have so much to give the world.
I commented... I don't know what happened to it but basically I said that when you find what you want to do, you will know it. Meantime, maybe working a few hours a week might help?
ReplyDeleteSomething to share with you Lisa... First, you are you! You never stopped being you - I think things just got a little muddled up along the way. As to people only giving you the time of baby because you have a baby (a) people are humans and humanity screws up sometimes (b) have you ever considered that a person may want to talk to you and see the baby as an 'in' so to speak?
ReplyDeleteAs to lacking creativity - I don't think that's true. You probably have it channeled into other areas. But from my experience when I start to stress about not being creative enough I get less creative.
I read each and every one of your posts. I haven't replied because I have always thought 'I can't say anything to her. I have no idea what she's going through. I don't know what it's like dealing with a baby. There's nothing I can do to help.' But you need to know that you are valuable and loved - and not just because of your baby. There is something only you can contribute to the world you just have to figure out what it is.
Don't let yourself get so caught up in your lost of identity that THAT becomes your identity.
As you know I love to write, paint and take photos. In short, I love being creative. So if you are ever looking for someone to bounce ideas off of or brainstorm with I would love to do that.
This is a confusing time for you Lisa and I keep you in my prayers. You will get through and I don't say that as some meaningless platitude. I say that as someone who has been caught in a deepest depression and lost in a pit of despair. There is light, hope and strength but you have to reach for it.
I'm sorry if this post was out of line. But you need to know you do exist - not as just a mother - but as you. When God looks at you He doesn't see 'Lisa mother of Madison'. He sees 'Lisa my child'.
If you ever need/want someone to talk to feel free to contact me.