Facebook is evil thing sometimes

I have discovered that no one likes me posting anything negative on Facebook. I try not to. But when I want a vague whinge I get slammed. Whereas I watch and read so many peoples posts and how much support they get from their whinge and I ask myself why?

Everyone expects more from me. That I get. I appear to be strong, holding together, have nothing to complain about life is just peachy.... Well at the moment it is not. No there is nothing dramatic going on, no I have no crisis except the usual day to day stuff... So why do I want to complain?

 I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA.

So Facebook you will not reap the satisfaction of hearing my complaints. As usual I will be silent. I will stay the predicable human that I am and pretend all is good and if you want to know what is going on ask me and I may give you the brush off response you will expect from me or I may be honest for once. Either way we all have our own dramas and don't ask if you don't want to hear reality. Just do me a favour and don't tell me I have nothing to complain about or say things could be worse. Of course I know it could be worse that's why I'm still here! I am just having a composure break down and if you would give a minute to breathe I will recover.

The end.

Happy New Year? I think not...

2014....

A new year brings new goals, hope, excitement, anticipation.

It didn't last long halfway through Jan and I'm already losing the joy.

Do get a job? What new things can I try this year?  Will it be different to last year?

Last year was FULL ON. I did almost everything.... I said yes to everything... It was exhausting.

Last year we were so sure we would buy a house. We couldn't. I guess for personal growth last year was a challenge but a good one....

Why do I feel like I reverted back to who I was at the beginning of the previous year?

I want to crawl into a hole and not come out... The thought of taking risks makes me want to run around like a crazy person and screaming NNOOOOOO!

It could be because today I am tired... because my kids have had enough of me... because I haven't exercised... Maybe just because I am that crazy person...

 The world has turned upside down with hubby's work... that's the biggest worry....

The part where I lay awake for hours after going to bed at 11pm and getting up at 3am because my daughter wakes up. She goes back to sleep but I can't.

I have all day to worry about things and not many distractions.

Doubts again about who I am, if what I am doing is right and if I am the Christian I thought I am...

Guilt plagues me for the desires I have and dreams I had... I push them aside for the dreams of my family... I can't step forward and can barely stand still.

The unknown makes me worry every minute. The content feeling I had has burnt to the ground replaced with fear for the future. I shouldn't worry, but I am struggling to stop it.

This crazy person needs to sleep more and pray more, then maybe things will clearer.

Self Worth

I haven't been here in a while. We are all busy. But this week I have had to stop. I slept wrong and hurt my back. Not like excruciating pain but enough to slow me down. I hate being interrupted in the middle of something so this was a mental battle. I didn't want to hurt myself further but also desperate to get done what needed to be done.

The pain could be managed but I wanted it fixed. So 3 physio appointments later, my movement is better but still not back to normal. It was brought to my attention that I have been going to the physio for 10 years now with the same problem. All down to terrible posture. Great. Now I actually have to think about how I'm sitting, how I'm lifting my children and getting them in the car, how long I stare at my iPad....

Not what I wanted to be thinking about this week.

So what do I do next. Well to start with actually doing the exercises and stretches that have been recommended to me, plus taking care of myself. That is a lesson I never wanted to take. I know I abuse my body. I ignore it, deprive it, force it to do things it probably shouldn't do, I push it to its limits and now it's fighting back. I am not strong enough to win against it. I must yield.

This means that I need to learn how to love my body and respect it. Self worth. Something I am not good at. Value myself. How? How do I do that? Suggestions welcome.

My brain never allows me to find my value. It's hidden away just out of reach, I think I'm making progress then I slip into the abusing phase. There is no way that I can find my way out of this on my own. It means admitting defeat and letting God take over this part of my heart that has been guarded well.

How this chapter will go I don't know but I need support through this and prayers. It's a tough discovery about myself that I wish I never had to face. But I'm here and I will weather the storm and hopefully come out a better person.

Feeling unproductive

Last night I sat at hens night with a couple of ladies I knew well. We were talking about kids then the topic moved onto work. Again this guilt came over me as it has since the birth of my first child. Why aren't you working? The ladies I was with knew me so that question didn't need to be asked but I felt useless. Yes I am a mum and that is the most important thing to me, but some days I wish to be something else other than mum. I know I'm not doing a great job at being mum and would like to check out for a little while. Have a 'mental health day' and just pretend I was somewhere else doing something useful.

The problem with getting a job is that I have barely any experience and no qualifications to get me anywhere. So that useless feeling heightens. The cost of childcare will be as much as I was earning therefore not productive. So I have played around with this idea for years and each time have dismissed it. Instead I have thrown myself into a role at church as a leader. It comes at a price for my emotional state though. I have deal with people and I have never been good at it. I stress about that more than I do being a mum sometimes. It feels unproductive at the moment. I know that it will get better but for now its hard.

I seem to be at the stage of struggling through family dramas again with no solution in sight short of moving far away. I can't do anything to help there either except let it go, which I almost impossible when it comes to parents and in laws.

I was kind of hoping that writing things might help make me feel better about today. I was wrong. I will just continue to pray that things will get better. What else can I do?

Fight

She impatiently wipes away tears, a fight that came out of no where. An underlying issue she can't pin point. She was surprising calm when he slammed out that door a speed up the street. Came back to take her daughter to the movies. Now she fights tears trying to pin point her new found pain and anger. Angry her head goes places she thought she buried, sad that she is missing the quality time. But knowing he's to busy and she won't make time for it. She feels as though she needs to change her likes and dislikes to suit him, to make him feel like he's valued no matter how she feels. Forced her whole life to change who she is to suit someone else. Eventually settled to be pushed around and guilted into things to make someone else feel better. Every time she fights for something it ends up in her giving up and letting whoever get what they want and then she gets stronger as a person to deal with the consequences of her own own mind. Today she is angry for being told she ruins every special holiday. Growing up it was Christmas, she did something wrong then ruined it for everyone. Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays. Didn't matter what day it was, she ruined it. Years of berating herself for ruining everything, she has no idea what she did to ruin it. So today because of an argument she has yet again ruined something. When will she learn to shut her mouth and go along with everything. She is fighting for her freedom of speech but never actually being heard. So today she will again bite the bullet, shut up, apologise, fix it and then fight mentally to accept the outcome. The only benefit to this solution is she will force herself to be stronger mentally. When everything else is falling apart she will control her mind. Stay in control of her mind and words. Then hopefully she will feel some sort of happiness. In all honesty she doesn't know what's right anymore, she doesn't feel valid. All she knows is this is what she needs to do to make herself feel like she's doing the right things by him. Compromising. The pain she feels will pass and she will deal with it on her own. Today she hates her personality... Feels vaguely familiar.

Melancolic

There are four temperaments, Sanguine, Melancholic, Choleric and Phlegmatic. While we all show traits of all these personality types, we show one more than the others. I thought seeing as today I failed completely, I would explain why. It will also explain my cryptic 'story' posts (If you haven't all left me that is). Here are the Wiki descriptions of the personality types. Sanguine The sanguine temperament is fundamentally impulsive and pleasure-seeking; sanguine people are sociable and charismatic. They tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be boisterous. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean sensitive, compassionate and romantic. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when they pursue a new hobby, they lose interest as soon as it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. Sanguines generally have an almost shameless nature, certain that what they are doing is right. They have no lack of confidence. Sanguine people are warm-hearted, pleasant, lively and optimistic. Choleric The choleric temperament is fundamentally ambitious and leader-like. They have a lot of aggression, energy, and/or passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were choleric. They like to be in charge of everything. However, they can quickly fall into a deep depression or be moody. Melancholic The melancholic temperament is fundamentally introverted and thoughtful. Melancholic people often were perceived as very (or overly) pondering and considerate, getting rather worried when they could not be on time for events. Melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become preoccupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. Often they are perfectionists. They are self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is that they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others. Phlegmatic The phlegmatic temperament is fundamentally relaxed and quiet, ranging from warmly attentive to lazily sluggish. Phlegmatics tend to be content with themselves and are kind. They are accepting and affectionate. They may be receptive and shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. They are consistent, relaxed, calm, rational, curious, and observant, qualities that make them good administrators. They can also be passive-aggressive. So if you haven't guessed I am a Melancholic and Choleric. I have spent today frustrated that because things didn't go to plan. I needed to go grocery shopping and our internet transfers didn't go through so I couldn't access money. I managed to get fuel in the car so I could pick up Maddison from kindy but that was it. So my carefully planned out day was completely messed up. I make a menu plan each fortnight so I don't have to decided what to cook for dinner it's already there ready to go, so now I have to rearrange it. That's the choleric in me. Later my melancholy side came out, I was worrying about people in situations that had nothing to do with me and getting emotional over it! It sounds stupid but that's what happens. I have to mentally make up my mind to let things go. I asked God why I do that. I told him I hated being a melancholy and all my life I wanted to be a sanguine like the amazing people around me. I wanted to be comfortable talking to people and asking them about themselves. Something that I struggle with on a daily basis. The response I got? I made you like that. You are who I made you. Ouch! Sorry God I just told you I hated who I am. Knowing you have a purpose and actually believing it are two very different things. I have always hated who I am and still continue to struggle with accepting that I have just as much to give as the sanguines around me. It's just expressed in a different way. So I must embrace who I am and God made me like that for a reason. I need to ignore the negative traits and focus on being who I am and he will use me as he intended. The grace of God is amazing. Some days I can just let God take over and run with it, like the day I made up my mind to study this year, when I said yes to moving up into leadership and when I promised myself that I would get out more and be sociable this year. I am just about to start in these areas and the hardest part is making plans and completing forms. So my pondering lead to me realising that God loves me and I am wonderfully and fearfully made. Also that he will use me if I am willing. So far I have said yes and I always follow through. I can never do life WELL without God. I can do life but it's never satisfying. I know this year will be. It holds a atmosphere that is incomprehensible. So there's a little insight to me. Hope it was interesting. I will get back to my story writing soon. x

The Battle

Again today she ponders, all week she has fought a mental battle. Mostly her temper caused by the frustration of her 3 year old daughter. Food arguments along with a day of undie wetting despite that fact that this child has been toilet trained for a while now. The constant shadow that she spends every minute of the day falling over plus a 1 year old daughter that need her to be in the same room at all time. So amongst the everyday battles of motherhood in the rare moment she gets to be alone with her thoughts she sees a herself struggling and and mentally fighting for control. So the tiny temper snap from her husband sends all logic out the window. She is angry that he is angry about nothing.... how ridiculous! Truth is that the anger stems from not allowing herself to snap. Therefore anyone else in her world that does is automatically the enemy. As her mind thinks of how ridiculous this all sounds it kind of makes sense. At the moment no solution pops into her head but at least it makes sense. So she moves onto think of her daughter going to kindy tomorrow. She almost feels guilty for being so excited to have her gone for 2 days a week... But quickly realises sometimes it's much harder to reason with her younger sister.. She doubts having her out of the way for a day with make it any easier... The guilt she feels already for being a stay at home compounds with the lack of control she feels she has. Her view on her role as a mother is plummeting. The feeling of failure looming. She wonders how to pull herself together and get on with it. Wishing she was doing everything better and feeling that she isn't doing anything at all well. The new opportunities have lost their appeal and buzz. Instead they have changed to stress of finance, time and doubts... And that's before any of them have even started. That's not a good sign she thinks. She blindly now holds out her faith that things will work out. Her children with settle down into a routine once more and she will feel less frustrated and enjoy life a little bit more. She sees now that the first step is always the hardest and at this moment there is a lot of first steps. As she feels her eyes fill with unshed tears she realises the pressure she put herself under by cramming everything into one box instead of taking each day at a time. The anger she lashed out is more to do with the anger she feels for herself. Knowing all the things she should have done but didn't. She allows no room for error in her life but gives everyone else an abundance of grace. She feels unbalanced and unstable. At the moment she has no mentor... No one to guide her through this. Even if she did she is reluctant to share her heart for fear of vulnerability. A fear of losing control once again. Not wanting to go there again she fights her battles on her own. Often not even sharing them with her husband. Shame fills her for not being fair to those around her. The journey is tough and wasn't meant to be done alone. When there is no more thoughts she stops. Prays. Resolves to change. Remembering to take one day at a time. The song stuck in my head for the last few days is 'Rescue me' by Kerri Roberts. I think its exactly how I feel right now.

Staying in control

Today, infuriated and for what? What wasn't said, done or considered? She resists the urge to throw a glass at the wall and scream in frustration. It will pass. The fury will go. The reality won't. She knows she will be stretched. Her acceptance of things will grow. In the meantime she will forego the things that she really wants. She will struggle to remain calm and hold off resentment. Knowing angry words will not solve the problem. Although her tank is empty she draws peace from God's full tank. There is no where else to turn. With the anger subsiding she is thinking hard. How to get the point across without causing a fight. She gives up knowing the words will mean nothing. She will be made to feel like she's being unfair and not clear on she wants. This may be true so she refrains from saying anything at all. Going to put the children to bed the battle in her mind constantly going but her outside demeanour stays calm. Praying that anger stays in check and somehow trusting God will sort out the mess.

The best life

Today she ponders. Her little girls growing up. Times when life was tough, and the simple pleasures she once had. There were blanks in her life when nothing made sense and she struggled for peace. Now still wondering if there is any way to reconcile those times. She realises there isn't but she can fight for never returning to that place. A decision made today to keep moving forward, to take the opportunities that come her way and keep fighting for what's important and letting go of the things that don't matter. An opportunity has come to grow her, to move her forward. A challenge that is exciting but daunting. Something that will stretch her family but bring them closer together. Doubts arise but for now she pushes them aside and she decides to jump headfirst into it with agreement from her husband she allows herself enjoy the thought of being able to make a difference. Along with the decision comes revelation of her drive to shift her focus that has been on herself and family to someone else's family. A desire that she knew was always there to reach out and be there for somewhere else. Her life has always consisted of this desire in small measures but now an opportunity to solely focus on it in a greater scale. She refuses to fall back into the doubts of insecurity and her introverted nature. She sees a bigger picture. Alongside her husband, who holds doubt himself, she stands and accepts the challenge knowing there is nothing to lose and everything to gain. That young woman who struggled to see which way was up not so long ago, is stepping up to find the greater need in others. To find hope that all people are not lost. That there are people who still love, trust, forgive and hope. This year will bring its own challenges and struggles but as she sits and ponders, she may find the lesson in those circumstances and be confident to share them with someone who will benefit from it. With a smile on her face she feels the love of her family and the smile of God on her life. May this year be 'the best life' yet.

A cloudy day

Today I spent a good part of the day beating myself up and feeling guilty. Not paying attention to my little girl when she woke up in the early hours of the morning. I was tired, I was frustrated and I just wanted some sleep. I discovered that feeling guilty and criticising myself as a mother wasn't overly affective in anything else except making me feel worse... I got this beautiful thought after I slid into bed, giving a quick prayer to God that I would actually sleep well tonight. God is the comfort when the humans mess up. That when I sent my daughter to bed for the second time Jesus has his arm around her saying its ok, Mum is just tired I'll make you feel better. Even though I don't love my daughter any less, as humans we just can't see past our own weaknesses. That's where God steps in and takes over while we are trying to find the patience, the energy and the strength to keep going... It's like the grandparent, aunties and uncles or the family friends stepping in but better. I thank God for being there for her when I wasn't. Another thought and picture came, The dark clouds that cover the sky are our wrong thoughts. Sometimes we keep building up things till they are crazy dark storm clouds, God is the sun behind those clouds. He is always there, move the clouds and you will find him. How do u move the clouds? You make the wind shift. A change in our thought pattern will change the wind, the direction our thoughts are going and will then reveal the sun that is covered behind them. Amazing. Even though I felt horrible all day, I have been thinking so many negative things today. God gives me this... When I finally let my guard down and let him in. When I stopped beating myself up long enough to ask Him what I had done wrong today and how I could fix it... I love that in my moment of darkness just a tiny bit of room I left him, He penetrated through the cloudy sky to pierce my heart. I am glad he watches over my girls, because as much I try to protect them I will never always be there but he will and he will protect me and give me the comfort I need to continue to be there for my daughters.

Shooters

She hears gun shots, sighs and goes to collects her 17 month old from her cot. Puts her down in the toy room to play. She takes her 3 year old away from the tv where her husband and housemate are playing play station. All rules and expectations have gone out the window. She shakes her head in disgust that although they are on holidays she is not. For them watching the kids means telling them to go and play while they watch a movie or playing on the Sony. Each day it's like looking after an extra child... In fact the 'big kids' are more work than the actual kids. The 'big kids' ignore her suggestions and requests and do things when they want or not at all... So frustration mounts and temper is barely kept intact for this housewife. Counting down the days until the holidays are over. There is no family days or special events... Just the repeated promises broken again and again... She sits alone, wondering if its worth talking about, asking for more consideration... Then shakes her head... No probably not. The day drags on and she prays that tomorrow will be different.

Christmas

The season is coming, it's nearly Christmas. With presents still to buy and wrap, food to prepare and parties to attend for once this mother is excited about Christmas. After years of dreading the season and praying that things wouldn't be too crazy and she wouldn't upset anyone, this year feels different. She decided not to care about what family thinks she is going to make the most of this season with her daughters and husband because at the end of the day that's all that matters. No one can take away her dreams or her precious moments. She sees her family and future as being full of opportunity and hope. The doors that may open are yet to be seen but in the new year she step out her door and walk through one that will challenge her... Excitement builds as the year comes to an end. With that in mind she sips her wine and leans back her chair. And for once she feels as though all will be ok.

A story

A woman sits at her kitchen table, coffee in hand and stares into space. Planning meals for the next week, shopping to be done and what events are happening this month. Her life is defined by her children's needs. Her time is divided between her husband, children and friends. What little time for herself is often interrupted by little voices of her children. Her heart knows that she needs time to be herself outside of home but can't find the time, money or boldness to do it. Her belief in herself is limited. The activities she participates in are minimal to what her heart desires. Her mind entertains the idea of greatness but in reality it a far way away. Then as the voices of her children interrupt her, her mundane life continues once again. To be continued...

Seventh Day Slumber

I love this band, they have the most relevant lyrics and beautiful sound. The songs just keep hitting home for me. They express how I feel. This is there new song lyrics.

"One Mistake"

Can I hear Your voice?
'Cause I feel so far away
And You've always known exactly what to say
But tonight, I've really crossed the line
I've let You down, but You never said goodbye
And I know You'll be here tomorrow
When everyone else has come and gone

I want to run, I want to hide
Wish I could disappear tonight
'Cause I feel like I'm just one mistake away
And I know You'll never leave
But it's so hard to believe
When I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me today

How I've tried to keep this fire alive
Holding onto You, the one that I desire
And I know that I'm the one to blame
Wish I was stronger, but I'm growing every day
And I know You'll be here tomorrow
When everyone else has come and gone

I want to run, I want to hide
Wish I could disappear tonight
'Cause I feel like I'm just one mistake away
And I know You'll never leave
But it's so hard to believe
When I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me today

When I fall You run to hold me
You wrap Your arms around me
And You calm all my fears
You're not leaving me here
I'm not too far away
Still covered by Your grace
And You came to take away my shame
I'm not one mistake away

But I run and I hide
I'm still fighting with this lie
That tells me I'm just one mistake away
And Jesus, I know You'll never leave
Sometimes I get so sick of me
That I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me today

A different view

Ok so maybe venting isn't why I'm here... Clearly I suck at it anyway. So here was my weekend,

I cleaned and packed to go away for the weekend. Without the kids.
Sounds like a normal thing to do... Not when I haven't spent more than a couple of hours away from my 9 month old and barely more than a night away from my nearly 3 year old.

At first it was great... freedom, quiet time with husband. We could go anywhere, do whatever we decided to do without taking an hour to get things ready to leave...

But last night, my mother in law called to say Maddison wanted to talk to me. I hear a very soft 'Hello Mummy' on the phone. She sounded so sad that I wanted to jump in the car right then and there to go home and cuddle her. I barely slept last night because all I could think of was how I wanted to see my girls, kiss them, tuck them into bed at night and just be there for them.

For the entire weekend Sarah wouldn't touch her solids apart from a couple of mouthfuls which apparently were a struggle. The lunch I gave her when we got back, she scoffed down no worries.

It makes me never want to leave but then I know I would go completely crazy. As much as I love being free to be me they are definitely a part of who I am now.

It didn't take long for life to fall back into the groove of how it was which makes me wonder why we even bothered to go away in the first place. I'm sure I will see the subtle changes as the weeks go on but right now, it's late and I have been awake since 5am.. So I bid u all a good night.

I was here...

I set this up to vent... I'm not very good at it. In fact I'm terrible.
What purpose would it serve to put my mind in print. For starters I don't believe it would even make sense. My head goes all over the place. Plus, no one wants to know whats going on in my head and if they did I doubt I would be able to tell them.

I am just like everyone else. I have problems and a past. I have a husband and kids. I have a messy household and life. What purpose would it serve to write about this when everyone else has the same issues. It's not interesting or inspiring.

I would like to say that I was here... and it sucked.

Fasting

As a music team we are fasting today and finishing with an hour of prayer. I haven't fasted food so I wanted to do this and understand to reason we fast. I found this chapter in the New Living Translation.

Isaiah 58
"Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast. Shout aloud! Don't be timid. Tell my people Israel of their sins! Yet they act so pious! They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to learn all about me. They act like a righteous nation that would never abandon the laws of its God. They ask me to take action on their behalf, pretending they want to near me.
'We have fasted before you!' they say.
'Why aren't you impressed? We have been very hard on ourselves, and you don't even notice it!'
"I will tell you why!" I respond.
"It's because you are fasting to please yourselves.
Even while you fast, you keep oppressing your workers.
What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with me. You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like reeds in the wind."

I stop here because I always wanted to fast but I needed to get the reasons for it right. This is clearly what not to do!

It goes on to say to free those who are wrongly imprisoned, lighten the burden of those who work for you, share food with the hungry, give shelter to the hungry and the list goes on. After this Jesus says
(v8) "Then your salvation with come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the LORD will protect you from behind. Then when you call, the LORD will answer.
'Yes I am here,' he will quickly reply.
"Remove the heavy yoke of oppression. Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumours! Feed the hungry and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The LORD will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring."

It then talks about honouring the sabbath and not pursuing your own interests on that day.

I got the message that it includes when we fast. Not to just go on doing what we want. But setting time aside to spend with God, praying. I guess this is kind of obvious but in the Christian world sometimes we do things so that we look like we're good people and not actually doing it for the right reasons.

So we are giving up something we need to spend the day in prayer. If I can go without food for 24 hours so that my prayers reach the ears of the unsaved. It is truly worth it. I think it really focuses us on the task if we are feeling the effects of an empty stomach. I have had to reach out for God's strength to get me through the day, looking after my 2 girls. While I'm not feeling that hungry I am stupidly tired and lacking the energy to function properly. It's so tempting just to sneak in a coffee or some food. But I can't. I am accountable.

Today is about putting aside our own needs to fulfill God's will. Seeking his presence to give us strength in our own lives and in others.

God help me do what I need to today and always remember why we do this. I pray for your strength and wisdom. I believe for miracles to happen today and for the weeks to come. In Jesus name
Amen

A Life Ends

We welcome new babies into the world and we say goodbye to those we've spent a lifetime with. On Tuesday I got the news that my Great Aunty Kath had passed away.
She was always around with a smile and encouraging word for us. She always remembered birthdays, shared stories and had so much wisdom to share. She was more of a grandmother to me than my own. I will always remember her, honour her and love her for all she gave to me and my family.

She shared the word of God with conviction and supported my family and her own through the tough times. She was truly blessed by God and I believe is now with him and the rest of her family in heaven, pain free and full of joy.

RIP Aunty. You will be greatly missed and we love you heaps!

I want some good news!

Everything seems to be pulling me down lately. I'm on a crazy roller coaster that I can't get off. I'm enjoying the little pleasures that come with life but overall I feel as though I'm letting myself down along with everyone I love.

There is an intense battle in my head that is fighting good and evil it feels. I know I should be fighting the bad thoughts but I just can't. I keep coming to the same conclusion of how unfair life is sometimes. I can't even clarify if I'm justified or not. I keep going to the passive side of me. I got that from my dad, where I just accept what is happening and live with it. I don't have the will to fight it. It feels like a losing battle.

Sometimes I feel like I need to talk about these battles in my head but I know my husband won't understand or be able to give me some constructive support. If I was being honest I probably just don't want to appear to be completely crazy! I sure feel like I am. Seeing as I have all day at home to drive myself mental its no wonder I feel crazy.

I hopefully will get a break through soon. When the year gets going and I start finding some energy to exercise and go out. Pray for me. So I don't completely lose my head.

So... 2012

What a year 2011 was... Highs and lows to say the least. It passed with a blur... I honestly have no idea what actually happened apart from having my second daughter.

Lets toast to a new year and pray hard for a better one.

I hope I'm in a different place to where I was this time last year...