I was here...

I set this up to vent... I'm not very good at it. In fact I'm terrible.
What purpose would it serve to put my mind in print. For starters I don't believe it would even make sense. My head goes all over the place. Plus, no one wants to know whats going on in my head and if they did I doubt I would be able to tell them.

I am just like everyone else. I have problems and a past. I have a husband and kids. I have a messy household and life. What purpose would it serve to write about this when everyone else has the same issues. It's not interesting or inspiring.

I would like to say that I was here... and it sucked.

Fasting

As a music team we are fasting today and finishing with an hour of prayer. I haven't fasted food so I wanted to do this and understand to reason we fast. I found this chapter in the New Living Translation.

Isaiah 58
"Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast. Shout aloud! Don't be timid. Tell my people Israel of their sins! Yet they act so pious! They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to learn all about me. They act like a righteous nation that would never abandon the laws of its God. They ask me to take action on their behalf, pretending they want to near me.
'We have fasted before you!' they say.
'Why aren't you impressed? We have been very hard on ourselves, and you don't even notice it!'
"I will tell you why!" I respond.
"It's because you are fasting to please yourselves.
Even while you fast, you keep oppressing your workers.
What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with me. You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like reeds in the wind."

I stop here because I always wanted to fast but I needed to get the reasons for it right. This is clearly what not to do!

It goes on to say to free those who are wrongly imprisoned, lighten the burden of those who work for you, share food with the hungry, give shelter to the hungry and the list goes on. After this Jesus says
(v8) "Then your salvation with come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the LORD will protect you from behind. Then when you call, the LORD will answer.
'Yes I am here,' he will quickly reply.
"Remove the heavy yoke of oppression. Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumours! Feed the hungry and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The LORD will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring."

It then talks about honouring the sabbath and not pursuing your own interests on that day.

I got the message that it includes when we fast. Not to just go on doing what we want. But setting time aside to spend with God, praying. I guess this is kind of obvious but in the Christian world sometimes we do things so that we look like we're good people and not actually doing it for the right reasons.

So we are giving up something we need to spend the day in prayer. If I can go without food for 24 hours so that my prayers reach the ears of the unsaved. It is truly worth it. I think it really focuses us on the task if we are feeling the effects of an empty stomach. I have had to reach out for God's strength to get me through the day, looking after my 2 girls. While I'm not feeling that hungry I am stupidly tired and lacking the energy to function properly. It's so tempting just to sneak in a coffee or some food. But I can't. I am accountable.

Today is about putting aside our own needs to fulfill God's will. Seeking his presence to give us strength in our own lives and in others.

God help me do what I need to today and always remember why we do this. I pray for your strength and wisdom. I believe for miracles to happen today and for the weeks to come. In Jesus name
Amen

A Life Ends

We welcome new babies into the world and we say goodbye to those we've spent a lifetime with. On Tuesday I got the news that my Great Aunty Kath had passed away.
She was always around with a smile and encouraging word for us. She always remembered birthdays, shared stories and had so much wisdom to share. She was more of a grandmother to me than my own. I will always remember her, honour her and love her for all she gave to me and my family.

She shared the word of God with conviction and supported my family and her own through the tough times. She was truly blessed by God and I believe is now with him and the rest of her family in heaven, pain free and full of joy.

RIP Aunty. You will be greatly missed and we love you heaps!

I want some good news!

Everything seems to be pulling me down lately. I'm on a crazy roller coaster that I can't get off. I'm enjoying the little pleasures that come with life but overall I feel as though I'm letting myself down along with everyone I love.

There is an intense battle in my head that is fighting good and evil it feels. I know I should be fighting the bad thoughts but I just can't. I keep coming to the same conclusion of how unfair life is sometimes. I can't even clarify if I'm justified or not. I keep going to the passive side of me. I got that from my dad, where I just accept what is happening and live with it. I don't have the will to fight it. It feels like a losing battle.

Sometimes I feel like I need to talk about these battles in my head but I know my husband won't understand or be able to give me some constructive support. If I was being honest I probably just don't want to appear to be completely crazy! I sure feel like I am. Seeing as I have all day at home to drive myself mental its no wonder I feel crazy.

I hopefully will get a break through soon. When the year gets going and I start finding some energy to exercise and go out. Pray for me. So I don't completely lose my head.

So... 2012

What a year 2011 was... Highs and lows to say the least. It passed with a blur... I honestly have no idea what actually happened apart from having my second daughter.

Lets toast to a new year and pray hard for a better one.

I hope I'm in a different place to where I was this time last year...

Happy New Year.... Or not

Just yesterday I was filled with excitement of what the year might hold... Well then I thought about what has changed...

Uh...

Nothing.

Good thing it's only the 2nd day into the year. There's still time...

My house looks like a bomb hit it, the yard is a mess, there are half finished projects all over the place and we seem to be acquiring extra stuff by the bucket load! My house is getting smaller by the minute...

Please God tell me there is still time to fix it all before the year is out...

Alternatively a bigger house will help.

Happy New Year...

Who am I?

Was I really there?
Did I imagine it?
Made it out worse than it really was?
Did I exaggerate?
In the time when everything seemed warped.

Life felt hard... was it really or was it because I perceived it to be?
In a different light, would life have been different?
Would I have coped better?

I wonder sometimes. Did I make it up because I was a drama queen? Or was it real.
I brush it off now because I think it wasn't that bad... But was it? Do I have cause to be damaged or an I overreacting?

Time wasted on working out who I am... what I think, how I have changed, if I have changed. Am I better or am I slipping? Is life really ok now...

I ask you again... who am I really?

Am I as strong as you perceive? Does it look like I have everything under control?
Do I look like a reasonable person?

I feel like things are spinning out of control. What scares me most is that I have two little girls relying on me. I can't fail. I refuse to fail when I feel like I was failed... Sure I was loved... I am still loved but it won't cover the scars.

It's like it never happened... that's why I don't know if it was that bad. Things feel worse when your young. I can't step foot in that house without feeling some pain... or just memories... yet I can walk in and pretend that nothing happened and that it's all ok... I guess maybe it is all ok. The feeling has dulled slightly. It is a bit blurry... so maybe it didn't happen at all.

I know my mind plays tricks on me sometimes. I just wish I could stay focused on the now. See what I am now and improve on that instead of remembering what I was. Wish it was that easy...

Why am I so negative about things. It makes life so much harder for us! I thought I already learned that lesson. Guess not...

Feels like a big step backwards.

So whoever reads this... I really want to know... Who am I?