I'm terrible at this blogging thing. I don't post all that often. Some days I really want to but I get distracted. I know the only one benefiting here is me. With so much in my head I don't know where to start.

Today is good news though. I'm excited. I have served on my church worship team for at least 5 years now and they are still asking me when I'm coming back since I took some time off to have my baby. When I show my surprise on how keen they are to have me back they just tell me that I'm great... Never thought I would ever hear those words about my singing.

Understand that I am such an introvert. I can't even imagine how I managed to get up on stage in the first place. I song lead at youth and ran our older peoples worship. I couldn't have done that without God. I love what I do but I'm scared of big changes. I want new opportunities but I'm terrified of when they come...

Just when I have been wondering if I should return to music and doubted myself that things happens. Just when I wasn't sure if I could actually go back God dangles someting new and exciting in front of me! I don't know what it is but having my Music Pastor tell me she wants to have coffee with me to discuss music in 2012.

I really can't wait to find out what God has in store for me next year :)

I'm not ok

I decided a long time ago who I wanted to be. I think it's what everyone wants to be... I wanted to stay the same person regardless of who I'm with. I wanted to accept people for they are, be understanding in tough situations and supportive. I wanted to be calm, patient and wise.

Pfft... who was I kidding?

Then I had kids...

To start with my only issue was getting along with other adults, trying to be a friend and give support instead of just looking for it myself. Maybe I have achieved that.

But now I have to relearn how to be a good person... a good mother to my girls. It's a whole new ball game this parenting thing. I happen to be good at ball games but this one I have no idea how to play!

My mother said to me just yesterday that I should know how to play these games with kids because I worked with them for a few years, but she's wrong. Your own kids are totally different dynamic to a roomful of other peoples kids.

I have taught my 2 year old how to yell at me... unintentionally of course. I started yelling at her. A BIG MISTAKE! Mummy fail no. 1. I'm pretty sure I've messed up more than that but my memory has purposly blocked it out. That's just one example of me not thinking my actions through. The results are disastrous!
Its hard enough for me to 'unlearn' something. It's IMPOSSIBLE for a toddler.

I come up with good solutions some days but the next day it doesn't work. She's moved onto the next thing... The hardest part about all this is that not only is this child running me around, frustrating me, I have a 4 month old who has just decided she doesn't like me leaving her sight! I know this because when I come into view she cracks the biggest smile as if to say 'Good your back now stay here!'

Everyone knows women can multitask but this is a big ask. And of course they all want something at the exact same time and can't possible wait another second!

The moments when Maddison gently grabs my face, looks me in the eyes and says 'mummy' just melts my heart. All is forgiven at that moment. Even though I know 10 seconds later she'll be doing something else she shouldn't. I grasp hold of those gorgeous moments. When my baby Sarah is crying and I pick her up and she coos and gives me the biggest smile, you can't help but smile back. Those precious, bright blue eyes melt every stranger that steals a glance into them.

I know how precious my children are and of course I wouldn't swap them for anything but people don't realise just how hard it is to get through some days. They just say, "But it's worth it," and "but your doing a great job". Although sometimes that helps. Most times it doesn't. I still feel like I'm drowning and becoming less human when I can barely control my frustration and helplessness.

I will sit here and tell you I'm fine and yes it'll pass and I'll survive, I always do. But I am doubting myself, getting angry that I can't be stronger and just wishing I was a better person. Which results in someone else copping my insecurity and then it turns onto a fight about how rude I am and how I was inappropriate when all I need is some understanding and space. That issue is all for another day...

So I'm not a good friend now. I am sleep deprived and taking on too many other issues when all I want to do is focus on my family... not the extended family... just mine. Treasure the moments that don't last nearly long enough.

In saying that I am longing to be something other than Mum. I have been asked several times when I will be returning to the music team. I would drop everything and go back now but I don't think my husband will appreciate that. I am desperate to get back to doing something for me. Even to the point of considering weaning Sarah at 6mths. But that still leaves my husband to cope with the both of them and judging by my recent attempts it never goes well. Let alone getting them both to church on time... As usual I will just have to wait.

I'm sure one day I will feel more human

Delete

I am thinking of deleting this blog. I cant seem to write what I should... It always feels so negative. Or maybe its just that I'm never truly happy anymore...

I think to much, speak to little and generally can't cope with it. I'm fighting my own mind. My intentions, my ability to be a decent human being. I feel little blurry.

One thing that has become clear lately though. My family are proud of me... Apparently I am doing well in their eyes. It was a misconception to think that it make everything feel better to have my family's support and love. In fact because of the circumstances it has actually put more pressure on me.

So in trying to take on board my family's support, keep my in-laws happy and be fair to my husband I feel a tad stretched. Not to mention look after a 2 year old and 11 week old. Oh and of course keep up with the housework, groceries, and washing. Life of a housewife I know. So I'm not complaining. Just pointing out that I'm stretched. The only thing I'm not doing is exercising (which is bugging me) and serving in church. I desperately want to go back to singing. I guess the things I want the most are pushed aside for my family.

I will say I'm so glad my evil child has turned back into a princess. I haven't copped a tantrum in at least a week and am thrilled! Except that I had an unsettled, sick baby for a few days. I'm not sure which was worse. At least it wasnt all at the same time.

I miss God. I am going church but I really miss his presence. I seem to always be the parents room, feeding. I haven't spent time in worship for I dont know how long. I feel it. I'm missing something. My life, heart and soul is not whole. I wish I could just get back there...

I guess that's the essence of what I feel I'm missing. I've lost it somewhere... Life has got away with me. I feel empty and everything I have tried to fill it with hasn't made a difference. I need to find my creator again.

Maybe I won't delete this just yet.... by writing I have just worked out why I feel so out of it... That was what this blog's purpose was. And to hopefully give some hope to those who read it. If anyone actually does..

Learning to Fall

I've heard it said a million times that I should hold on tight to Jesus
But I took this road so far from home and distance came between us
When I walked away I knew one day I'd need your grace


So now you'll find me on my knees surrendering
cause I know that I'm really not so strong
And now been fighting for control
Lord you can have this life that I've been holding for so long
I'm learning to fall
Let my world crumble

You ran so fast to rescue me while I was barely breathing
You picked me up, You touched my face
And I began to see more clearly
Though I'm such a disgrace you still forgave
And your love remains

Take me as an offering I surrender everything
No more living without you

'The Beautiful Republic'

This song is my inspiration at the moment.

Although right now I feel as though my world is falling around ankles.
I feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden. The sudden realisation that I am a mother of two now... That life is going to be very different.

I suddenly really miss the things I was doing before I had this baby. Going back to sleepless nights and breastfeeding, a niggling fear that something bad could happen to this tiny baby. That because my patience is non existent I may do something harsh to my 2 year old. It's so much harder to stay calm, in control and relaxed. I can barely stay positive and focused on what I should be doing. I fear my mind will let me down. Not to mention finances and relationship issues.

I know it's stuff I shouldn't stress about. I question my ability as a mother and as a wife. I keep telling myself I will get tougher and will fix things. But I never bring myself to actually doing it. I can't change myself.

I have had a few prophesies over the last 6 months and they always seem to have the same message. That Dan and I are a stronger as a couple than apart. That we will succeed together. Which sounds great but I am really struggling to feel it. I feel so separate from him right now. I feel like he's off doing his thing and I am doing mine. I don't feel united. I have no idea how to get us there either. Most days I feel like I'm doing life on my own and not with him. Everything we discuss is just that... talk. No action.

I guess I just have to make small adjustments and hope we get there. Hold out a bit of faith that God knows what he's doing.

Blurred Line

The lines that clearly defined my existence and held my thoughts together have been so horribly blurred. I don't remember my head being so messed up. This time I can't blame a chemical imbalance. It's gone further than that. I could maybe blame pregnancy. But I don't think that's it either.

I cant finish this blog right now. I know no one reads it anyway. So I'll get back it to later.

The easiest thing I've done all day

I was considering writing about what has been frustrating me... then I stopped and felt like I needed to kneel at God's alter. I even pictured me doing it. So I turned down the lights, put on some worship music and made my own alter in my lounge room.

I haven't done that in ages and I used to do it all the time. It was my connection with God. I was expecting to be chastised and collapsing in tears. Which is what normally happens followed by repentance and prayer. Instead all I felt was a stillness in my heart and mind. Peace and love. Instead of being exhausted and calm. I am just feeling warm, loved and peaceful. Half an hour is all it took. Normally it would be much longer.

I didn't have to tell Him what I have been so stressed about. Didn't need to justify my actions, emotions or thoughts. It was like He just said "I know' He took it all. I didn't have to say a thing. He knows. I know He knows. He just reminded me who I am. A worshiper. I don't have to be anything else. When I come to His alter I strip away all my labels and just become a worshiper.

Wow... I forgot what I was made for. I forgot to be who I am. I forgot that I just need to spend a moment in his presence. I don't have to beg Him for anything. He's already given it me.

It wasn't hard. In fact it was the easiest thing I've done all day. It only a minute to find His presence. Now it will linger for the rest of the night.

All I can say is thank you God for knowing what I need... when I have no idea.

Gipped

I hate it when you realise you've been ripped off. For something that at the time just didn't matter. Looking back you really think how unfair it actually was. I don't like dwelling on the past but this wasn't fair especially from the person that is supposed to put you first and love you unconditionally.

My husband's birthday and mine are 3 days apart. So that in itself can be a problem. I turned 25 this year. We didn't have a lot of money. Dan found what he wanted for his birthday. A HD recorder. I said fine when he promised to spend on me what he spent. So he got his present late but he got what he wanted. Then he managed to get my anniversary bangle fixed. It had been broken for a while now. That was it. Now his Mum thought it was the best present to buy him skirmish vouchers. But he still has to pay for extra paint balls which i might add are not cheap. So he gets a day with his mates plus a few hundred dollars spending money. While I got stuck with an $80 repaired bangle.

Normally this kinda stuff doesnt bother me all that much because its just material stuff but we are struggling at the moment so this really pisses me off. I started sorting through clothes and things for this baby that's due in 5 weeks and realised I need to buy some stuff. We are not going to have money for that. I will have to just take it where I can because Dan will tell me to wait and say we can't afford it. I still need to buy a few things for myself but again we don't have the money. This makes me uncontrollably mad. I don't know what to do except ask my Mum for money for the things we need while my husband spends money on the things he wants.

This is not the first time. I have had discussions about this on my first mothers day and at Christmas where he spent money that was given to the both of us, on himself. It seems to be a recurring thing. He has also spent my tax return on bills.

I will admit that he did organise a massive night out for me for a birthday. I really appreciated him for that. But lately things just seems to be all about him.
I love him to death but I am so frustrated at double standards that he lives by. After having to grow up with double standards, it gets a bit repetitive.

So while I'm not working and getting any sort of income. I feel a tad useless and am racking my brains for a solution. To get through to him and to afford the things we need for our growing family. I feel like I'm the only one trying to look after us. No doubt there are times he's gone without. I just don't think it adds ups.

I wish this wasn't such a negative blog but I need to get it out of my head. It'll only make me more mad and stressed. I pray that he sees sense and starts being fair. Thats all I'm asking for. I don't think that's unreasonably.