Delete

I am thinking of deleting this blog. I cant seem to write what I should... It always feels so negative. Or maybe its just that I'm never truly happy anymore...

I think to much, speak to little and generally can't cope with it. I'm fighting my own mind. My intentions, my ability to be a decent human being. I feel little blurry.

One thing that has become clear lately though. My family are proud of me... Apparently I am doing well in their eyes. It was a misconception to think that it make everything feel better to have my family's support and love. In fact because of the circumstances it has actually put more pressure on me.

So in trying to take on board my family's support, keep my in-laws happy and be fair to my husband I feel a tad stretched. Not to mention look after a 2 year old and 11 week old. Oh and of course keep up with the housework, groceries, and washing. Life of a housewife I know. So I'm not complaining. Just pointing out that I'm stretched. The only thing I'm not doing is exercising (which is bugging me) and serving in church. I desperately want to go back to singing. I guess the things I want the most are pushed aside for my family.

I will say I'm so glad my evil child has turned back into a princess. I haven't copped a tantrum in at least a week and am thrilled! Except that I had an unsettled, sick baby for a few days. I'm not sure which was worse. At least it wasnt all at the same time.

I miss God. I am going church but I really miss his presence. I seem to always be the parents room, feeding. I haven't spent time in worship for I dont know how long. I feel it. I'm missing something. My life, heart and soul is not whole. I wish I could just get back there...

I guess that's the essence of what I feel I'm missing. I've lost it somewhere... Life has got away with me. I feel empty and everything I have tried to fill it with hasn't made a difference. I need to find my creator again.

Maybe I won't delete this just yet.... by writing I have just worked out why I feel so out of it... That was what this blog's purpose was. And to hopefully give some hope to those who read it. If anyone actually does..

Learning to Fall

I've heard it said a million times that I should hold on tight to Jesus
But I took this road so far from home and distance came between us
When I walked away I knew one day I'd need your grace


So now you'll find me on my knees surrendering
cause I know that I'm really not so strong
And now been fighting for control
Lord you can have this life that I've been holding for so long
I'm learning to fall
Let my world crumble

You ran so fast to rescue me while I was barely breathing
You picked me up, You touched my face
And I began to see more clearly
Though I'm such a disgrace you still forgave
And your love remains

Take me as an offering I surrender everything
No more living without you

'The Beautiful Republic'

This song is my inspiration at the moment.

Although right now I feel as though my world is falling around ankles.
I feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden. The sudden realisation that I am a mother of two now... That life is going to be very different.

I suddenly really miss the things I was doing before I had this baby. Going back to sleepless nights and breastfeeding, a niggling fear that something bad could happen to this tiny baby. That because my patience is non existent I may do something harsh to my 2 year old. It's so much harder to stay calm, in control and relaxed. I can barely stay positive and focused on what I should be doing. I fear my mind will let me down. Not to mention finances and relationship issues.

I know it's stuff I shouldn't stress about. I question my ability as a mother and as a wife. I keep telling myself I will get tougher and will fix things. But I never bring myself to actually doing it. I can't change myself.

I have had a few prophesies over the last 6 months and they always seem to have the same message. That Dan and I are a stronger as a couple than apart. That we will succeed together. Which sounds great but I am really struggling to feel it. I feel so separate from him right now. I feel like he's off doing his thing and I am doing mine. I don't feel united. I have no idea how to get us there either. Most days I feel like I'm doing life on my own and not with him. Everything we discuss is just that... talk. No action.

I guess I just have to make small adjustments and hope we get there. Hold out a bit of faith that God knows what he's doing.

Blurred Line

The lines that clearly defined my existence and held my thoughts together have been so horribly blurred. I don't remember my head being so messed up. This time I can't blame a chemical imbalance. It's gone further than that. I could maybe blame pregnancy. But I don't think that's it either.

I cant finish this blog right now. I know no one reads it anyway. So I'll get back it to later.

The easiest thing I've done all day

I was considering writing about what has been frustrating me... then I stopped and felt like I needed to kneel at God's alter. I even pictured me doing it. So I turned down the lights, put on some worship music and made my own alter in my lounge room.

I haven't done that in ages and I used to do it all the time. It was my connection with God. I was expecting to be chastised and collapsing in tears. Which is what normally happens followed by repentance and prayer. Instead all I felt was a stillness in my heart and mind. Peace and love. Instead of being exhausted and calm. I am just feeling warm, loved and peaceful. Half an hour is all it took. Normally it would be much longer.

I didn't have to tell Him what I have been so stressed about. Didn't need to justify my actions, emotions or thoughts. It was like He just said "I know' He took it all. I didn't have to say a thing. He knows. I know He knows. He just reminded me who I am. A worshiper. I don't have to be anything else. When I come to His alter I strip away all my labels and just become a worshiper.

Wow... I forgot what I was made for. I forgot to be who I am. I forgot that I just need to spend a moment in his presence. I don't have to beg Him for anything. He's already given it me.

It wasn't hard. In fact it was the easiest thing I've done all day. It only a minute to find His presence. Now it will linger for the rest of the night.

All I can say is thank you God for knowing what I need... when I have no idea.

Gipped

I hate it when you realise you've been ripped off. For something that at the time just didn't matter. Looking back you really think how unfair it actually was. I don't like dwelling on the past but this wasn't fair especially from the person that is supposed to put you first and love you unconditionally.

My husband's birthday and mine are 3 days apart. So that in itself can be a problem. I turned 25 this year. We didn't have a lot of money. Dan found what he wanted for his birthday. A HD recorder. I said fine when he promised to spend on me what he spent. So he got his present late but he got what he wanted. Then he managed to get my anniversary bangle fixed. It had been broken for a while now. That was it. Now his Mum thought it was the best present to buy him skirmish vouchers. But he still has to pay for extra paint balls which i might add are not cheap. So he gets a day with his mates plus a few hundred dollars spending money. While I got stuck with an $80 repaired bangle.

Normally this kinda stuff doesnt bother me all that much because its just material stuff but we are struggling at the moment so this really pisses me off. I started sorting through clothes and things for this baby that's due in 5 weeks and realised I need to buy some stuff. We are not going to have money for that. I will have to just take it where I can because Dan will tell me to wait and say we can't afford it. I still need to buy a few things for myself but again we don't have the money. This makes me uncontrollably mad. I don't know what to do except ask my Mum for money for the things we need while my husband spends money on the things he wants.

This is not the first time. I have had discussions about this on my first mothers day and at Christmas where he spent money that was given to the both of us, on himself. It seems to be a recurring thing. He has also spent my tax return on bills.

I will admit that he did organise a massive night out for me for a birthday. I really appreciated him for that. But lately things just seems to be all about him.
I love him to death but I am so frustrated at double standards that he lives by. After having to grow up with double standards, it gets a bit repetitive.

So while I'm not working and getting any sort of income. I feel a tad useless and am racking my brains for a solution. To get through to him and to afford the things we need for our growing family. I feel like I'm the only one trying to look after us. No doubt there are times he's gone without. I just don't think it adds ups.

I wish this wasn't such a negative blog but I need to get it out of my head. It'll only make me more mad and stressed. I pray that he sees sense and starts being fair. Thats all I'm asking for. I don't think that's unreasonably.

Silence

I have stayed silent. I wanted to talk but I said nothing. I pretend there is nothing but there is something wrong. I have processed, thought, racked my brain for a solution, strategy or just peace and I have not found it. The advice I keep getting is talk talk talk but I have talked... I have pleaded... I have cried and I have yelled. Nothing changes. Maybe it changes for a week. Then its the same again.

I am scared. If I demand too much I will turn into my mother and be overbearing and horrible and one day he will resent me for it. I don't want to be that. But I have no idea what else to do.

I am emotional, I am tired, I am frustrated and I feel helpless. I can't make him understand but things can't stay the same. I don't see them changing anytime soon. I know we are stressed about work and money but neglecting everything else is not a solution.

I am worried that this second baby is not going to help, in fact I almost think it'll make things worse. I don't know how I will cope. I will power on like I normally do I guess...

I have retreated... You demand things of me that I don't want to give. My energy is gone. I do not want to be guilted into giving you what you want. I can't do it anymore. My love tank is empty and I know I should be giving out of choice... Out of God's love tank. I wish I could. I need the strength to choose. I don't believe your words, your actions are speaking louder. I wish they were telling me different things.

I will stay silent for now. Seek God's words of wisdom because human words aren't working. I need to pray and trust that God will provide me with the strength and power I need to choose to love. I have been doing it all on my own and stupidly I have not gotten anywhere. I stand humbled at your throne God and cast my worries on you and trust that you have greater strength and wisdom and you promised that what you put together stays together. Forgive me not giving you my heart completely. I am sorry. I kneel with a repentant heart. Amen

Never Let You Go

Your love will never fail me
Your name it calms my every sea
Forever, my King, forever
My God is bigger than the storm
Beat down death, won the war
Forever, King, forever

Your leaning with me through the bends
You carry me, when I give in

When my seas are raging, no I'm not letting go,
If my heart is caving you hold me up with the cross
When my colour's fading, you paint me with your love
Oh my fear has hit the ground, I see through the storm.

I'll never let you go

Joe Pringle and Jake Sweetman 2010


This song has been stuck in my head since it was introduced at church. So that's a couple of weeks now. I guess it reminds me of who I am and who is in control.

I have been thinking a lot about things. Since my husband mentioned the 'hypothetical' hobbies he would like to do and explained how much he needed them, it got me thinking about my own hobbies. Or lack of them.

I have been stubborn to keep on playing tennis because it's really the only hobby I have left. I should probably stop but I enjoy it too much and I haven't really hurt myself yet. It does just take a couple of days for the soreness of my back and legs to settle down.

So thinking of hobbies again I know if I mention them to my husband he will cringe and tell me we don't have the money. All I really want is to try my hand at painting or possibly knitting animals. I have done both before and it's something that I can just pick up when I have the time. But I have held off on both because of 'money'.

So how can I justify allowing my mechanic of a husband go back to playing with his celica that he spent 5 long years and God knows how much money on, only to sell everything except the shell, to start rebuilding it for a weekend toy... Somehow I think 3 cars on the road is a bit overkill, not to mention expensive and impractical.

Yet I can't stop him. why does he stop me? Or maybe I just allow him to stop me because there are more important things to be concerned with than my hobbies. I will admit though that he has been working super hard and picking up cash jobs and working nearly every sat to keep food on the table. (which is a stupid expression because I haven't gone for a decent grocery shop for about 3 weeks now!) I have to allow him some pleasure. Although days like today makes me feel like I'm missing out on something.

Maybe I just need a new perspective. Or I just need to suck it up and take what life throws at me. I'm getting tired, worried that I have less than 7 weeks till my baby's due and we haven't sorted the nursery out of bought a carseat... My bag isn't packed and I can't move anything around to get started on the house. I feel so useless. I clean, the next day its dirty, I wash and fold and then his clean clothes stay in the basket till the next washing day! My days have no meaning anymore! No sense of achievement. Everything just looks it did the day before!

I shouldn't complain. It's just how life is. I chose to be a stay at home mum and a housewife. I just wish I felt some satisfaction out of it.

I think Jesus must feel like this sometimes. He died for people and all they do is complain and blame him! Maybe some appreciation towards him will put my life back into perpective. He sacrificed the most. He understands how much mothers sacrifice for their families. It feels like we give up out freedom yet God gave it back to us.

At least someone truly understands what it means to be a mother and to give all that you have. We may not physically give our lives to our family but we give everything else. God gave the ultimate sacrifice for people who don't love him, or even believe he is real.... How mind blowing is that....