A moment

My daughter woke up, as she has been every night for a while. A simple cuddle and she goes back to sleep before I put her down. Tonight I decided to take her into my bed cuz it was cold and sat in my bed with her on my chest just for a little while. It reminded me of the first time I held her and the first few nights in hospital where the only place she would sleep was on my chest with an ear near my heart. It's the safest place for her. Just made me feel the weight of responsibility for her. In a good way. That I have been chosen to care for her. Until a time when God will call his people. This little bundle of promise. So precious.

I had a whole day without her today. My husband had some running around to do and offered to take her with him. I wasn't feeling well so I happily let her go. I think it was the most relaxed I'd felt in ages. I gave Dan the opportunity to be a dad and me permission to relax and do something for myself for a change. It was amazing. So now I can appreciate her even more and remind myself to cherish the short time we have together.

I so needed this break and am convinced this needs to be a regular thing!

Too much to ask?

Had forgotten how quickly I can get stressed. I don't understand how I can be ok one minute then be ropeable the next. All it takes is Maddison refusing to eat. I doubt myself... Am I really able to bring up my daughter well? Will I screw it up? Is God really here helping me? Am I giving my life over to God? Is he really guiding me or have I walked off the path? Should I be working? Am I being selfish staying at home with my daughter? Am I worthy enough to be an example on stage worshipping God? I don't think my life represents the image I am portraying on stage. I don't feel like I am the same person.

I need to be more! To be stronger, more honest. Less judgmental, less critical. I'm doing something wrong! I know it! I just wish i knew what it was.

I have great people who try and encourage me but I really need some answers. I feel like I'm covering up what's really going on. I can go out and be busy and just push things aside but that doesn't help me when I am alone. I then have to face myself and sort out my own thoughts. I need to work through them not push them aside. No one will help me with that. People just say that it's not who I am, they refuse to validate my thoughts. I'm not being dramatic looking for attention I just need to get my head clear. It's so fuzzy. I know what I'm like and this is me trying to work through things, addressing my thoughts and trying to cut through them to the real issue.

I know I think and say some really stupid things but some thoughts get muddled up and issues that need to be resolved are just pushed aside with all the other rubbish. I don't know how to fix it. I just know that I have to somehow.

I want to be able to sit alone and be happy with myself and content that i know who i am in God. Is that to much to ask?

Before the worst The Script

It’s been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain

So explain to me, how it came to this
Let’s take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
With vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?

But everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst
Before we met
Before our hearts decided it’s time to love again
Before today
Before too long
Let’s try and take it back before it all went wrong

There was a time that we’d stay up all night
Best friends, yeah, talking til the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to lose but so much to gain

Are you hearing me? Cuz I don’t wanna miss
That you would drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton street, on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you were mine for life

We were thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?

But everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst
Before we met
Before our hearts decided it’s time to love again
Before today
Before too long
Let’s try and take it back before it all went wrong

For some reason this song has resonated in my heart. Its captured my attention and sat in the back of mind all day.

Maybe its the piano rif, maybe its the melody, maybe its the lyrics. I dont know but its stuck. Its not about my husband. I dont know whats caught me. But tears come grieving over something I don't understand.

I thought about people I have lost and others I wish I knew better... some I think of all the time but also family I have adopted. How many times have we tried to take back things? It never works! We cant. Words are spoken and they stay in the hearts of those who heard them....

I think so much has gone wrong... I can't fix it, I just watch it getting worse... My own live, others in my life... it just gets worse and I feel like I'm watching it in slow motion.

I remember a time when I was happy, not a care in the world, I didnt drink, I didnt worry. It was a long time ago. Before I screwed it up... Maybe I dont remember it. Maybe it was just a dream.. I dont know. I think of my daughter and hope to God that I don't screw this up... I will not forgive myself if I did.

Breaking my heart

Let it all out - Relient K

Let it all out, Get it all out, Rip it out remove it, Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed. Cause we're so scared to find out out, what this life's all about. So scared we're going to lose it, not knowing all along that's exactly what we need.

And today I trust you with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat but tommorow, upon hearing what I did I will stare at you in disbelief. Oh inconsistent me crying out for consistency.

And you said I know that this will hurt but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

And I'll let it be known at times I have shown signs of all my weakness but somewhere in me there is strength and you promise that you believe in time I will defeat this cause somewhere in me there is strength.

And today I trust with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat and I'll try my best to just forget that that man isn't me.

Reach out to me make my heart brand new. Every beat will be for you. For you. And I know you know, you touched my life. When you touched my heavy heart and made it light.

I thought the best way to describe how I feel is write the lyrics of a song. I listened to this a few weeks ago and cried when I realised what God was telling me. I have listened to this song for quite a few years now but didnt really get what it was saying. It made me cry when I realised that this was exactly how I felt and suddenly knew how God felt about me.
I know God is breaking my heart so that I will surrender it over to him. I feel like I'm going backwards but God is just preparing me for something else. I did enjoy the brief time I had feeling good about myself though. It doesn't happen very often although I am getting tired of struggling to keep my head up.

Its funny that if it was a physically situation not a emotional one then I think I would be able to deal with it fine. But when it's in my head and my thoughts then I go down hard.


Hear is a little bit of another song has always touched me.

When I got tired of running from you I stopped right there to catch my breath, there your words caught my ears. You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins , they watched me leave and in my heart I so believed the love you felt for me was mine. The love I wished for all this time.
And when the doors were closed I heard no I told you so's I said the words I knew you knew. Oh God Oh God I needed you. God all this time I needed you, I needed you.
(I so hate consequences - Relient K)

Palmed

I had a great weekend... It was awesome.

Until tonight. All I can say is that I have never felt more palmed off. I know I do some stupid things but I didnt know emailing a leader was a bad thing. I'm sure there's a reason and that it wasnt meant to come across that way but it hurt.

I have been in church all my life and seen people leave over less than an email. If I've come to this conclusion how many others have and left because if it.

I will get over it but doesn't change the fact that the someone messed up somewhere. And that if it happens again that someone may just leave over it. It's so sad...

I hate feeling like a doll just palmed off to a department or person that's in charge of me. That I'm just a number someone has to call. It's insulting nearly. I think I preferred not being in a connect group and not being anyone else's responsibility. Some days I feel like you should be able to choose which person you trust to talk to not be assigned one. I know I'm being irrational and that churches need structure but I guess I'm hurting and need to vent a little bit.

I love my church. It will take a lot more than this to make me leave because ultimately I'm there for God. So I will suck it up and get over it.

Awakened

Yesterday was any normal day. No lighting strike of realisation. Just a moment when I walked into church for music practice last night and just felt at home.

I hadn't had a bad day but nothing great either until I got to church. I felt talkative.. which was weird. And then I felt incredibly happy after I got greeted and hugged... yes hugged by our senior pastor. I don't know why, I just think I felt the love from him and from God. Then was just on a high for the rest of the night.

Its sounds childish and crazy but in that moment I felt noticed and loved. It's so easy to get lost in the image of being a muso. Also just as easy to feel as though your not being noticed and taken for granted. I know that our leaders don't take what they do for granted. They work hard and try to be fair but we're all human.

I haven't felt myself for a while now but at the moment I can honestly say I'm feeling great. I don't know how or why but I feel awesome. It could be because I offered to do a triple on Sunday. Meaning that I'll be singing at all three services. I haven't done one since well before Maddison was born. It'll be hard but I am actually excited about it. It makes me feel as though I can give all of me.

I felt like I hadn't been able to give everything in music because I have someone else to think about. But this time its something I love, something that is apart from being a mum. Something that only I can offer to God. For me this is my 100% sacrifice and offering to God. I will struggle and wonder why I volunteered myself but I know that it will totally be worth it! It's the moment I have been waiting for to feel as though I have given all to God. I will be laying down my human flesh to allow my spirit to be free to connect with God.

May everyone that comes to Christian City Church Bridgeman Downs on Sunday be so blessed and their lives changed forever. Not because of me but because of what God has placed on the hearts of those who serve him and that they serve so diligently and wholehearted. That God is free to move wherever he wants to.

Glory be to God!

God uses People

I know I have posted a few depressing posts. I am sorry for those. I need to shift my focus, write when I'm happy and really take note of the good things in life. Maybe also explain myself better and just reflect not complain so much.

One of the blogs I am following is a friend who has been dealt a hard card in life. Yet she looks up and sees God and pushes through the darkness. Offers help to others and really gets how awesome God is. She offered me some advice. Yet felt that she couldn't because she hasnt been in the position I am in. Can I just say that no one will ever truly know what its like to be in someone elses shoes. Because we are all so totally unique. I appreciate it when someone offers words of wisdom in the times when I can't think straight. I try not to say that they don't understand if they haven't been there. God uses people to speak into your world. So how can I shun them when God probably sent them in the first place.

I have people younger than me who have spoken amazing words of wisdom and encouragement to me in times when I was down and I am so thankful that they were there. God knows what we need.

So thank you to those who have read my blog, put up with my random ravings and depressing posts. Who have stepped out there to hold out a hand with the risk of their own safety to help me. I appreciate you. I love you and know for a fact that God will bless you. Because you are the ones who I will always remember for being there when I needed someone. Who forgot themselves for minute to help me. I only hope that I will do the same. That I will risk safety and doubt to hold a hand out to you.