The best life

Today she ponders. Her little girls growing up. Times when life was tough, and the simple pleasures she once had. There were blanks in her life when nothing made sense and she struggled for peace. Now still wondering if there is any way to reconcile those times. She realises there isn't but she can fight for never returning to that place. A decision made today to keep moving forward, to take the opportunities that come her way and keep fighting for what's important and letting go of the things that don't matter. An opportunity has come to grow her, to move her forward. A challenge that is exciting but daunting. Something that will stretch her family but bring them closer together. Doubts arise but for now she pushes them aside and she decides to jump headfirst into it with agreement from her husband she allows herself enjoy the thought of being able to make a difference. Along with the decision comes revelation of her drive to shift her focus that has been on herself and family to someone else's family. A desire that she knew was always there to reach out and be there for somewhere else. Her life has always consisted of this desire in small measures but now an opportunity to solely focus on it in a greater scale. She refuses to fall back into the doubts of insecurity and her introverted nature. She sees a bigger picture. Alongside her husband, who holds doubt himself, she stands and accepts the challenge knowing there is nothing to lose and everything to gain. That young woman who struggled to see which way was up not so long ago, is stepping up to find the greater need in others. To find hope that all people are not lost. That there are people who still love, trust, forgive and hope. This year will bring its own challenges and struggles but as she sits and ponders, she may find the lesson in those circumstances and be confident to share them with someone who will benefit from it. With a smile on her face she feels the love of her family and the smile of God on her life. May this year be 'the best life' yet.

A cloudy day

Today I spent a good part of the day beating myself up and feeling guilty. Not paying attention to my little girl when she woke up in the early hours of the morning. I was tired, I was frustrated and I just wanted some sleep. I discovered that feeling guilty and criticising myself as a mother wasn't overly affective in anything else except making me feel worse... I got this beautiful thought after I slid into bed, giving a quick prayer to God that I would actually sleep well tonight. God is the comfort when the humans mess up. That when I sent my daughter to bed for the second time Jesus has his arm around her saying its ok, Mum is just tired I'll make you feel better. Even though I don't love my daughter any less, as humans we just can't see past our own weaknesses. That's where God steps in and takes over while we are trying to find the patience, the energy and the strength to keep going... It's like the grandparent, aunties and uncles or the family friends stepping in but better. I thank God for being there for her when I wasn't. Another thought and picture came, The dark clouds that cover the sky are our wrong thoughts. Sometimes we keep building up things till they are crazy dark storm clouds, God is the sun behind those clouds. He is always there, move the clouds and you will find him. How do u move the clouds? You make the wind shift. A change in our thought pattern will change the wind, the direction our thoughts are going and will then reveal the sun that is covered behind them. Amazing. Even though I felt horrible all day, I have been thinking so many negative things today. God gives me this... When I finally let my guard down and let him in. When I stopped beating myself up long enough to ask Him what I had done wrong today and how I could fix it... I love that in my moment of darkness just a tiny bit of room I left him, He penetrated through the cloudy sky to pierce my heart. I am glad he watches over my girls, because as much I try to protect them I will never always be there but he will and he will protect me and give me the comfort I need to continue to be there for my daughters.

Shooters

She hears gun shots, sighs and goes to collects her 17 month old from her cot. Puts her down in the toy room to play. She takes her 3 year old away from the tv where her husband and housemate are playing play station. All rules and expectations have gone out the window. She shakes her head in disgust that although they are on holidays she is not. For them watching the kids means telling them to go and play while they watch a movie or playing on the Sony. Each day it's like looking after an extra child... In fact the 'big kids' are more work than the actual kids. The 'big kids' ignore her suggestions and requests and do things when they want or not at all... So frustration mounts and temper is barely kept intact for this housewife. Counting down the days until the holidays are over. There is no family days or special events... Just the repeated promises broken again and again... She sits alone, wondering if its worth talking about, asking for more consideration... Then shakes her head... No probably not. The day drags on and she prays that tomorrow will be different.

Christmas

The season is coming, it's nearly Christmas. With presents still to buy and wrap, food to prepare and parties to attend for once this mother is excited about Christmas. After years of dreading the season and praying that things wouldn't be too crazy and she wouldn't upset anyone, this year feels different. She decided not to care about what family thinks she is going to make the most of this season with her daughters and husband because at the end of the day that's all that matters. No one can take away her dreams or her precious moments. She sees her family and future as being full of opportunity and hope. The doors that may open are yet to be seen but in the new year she step out her door and walk through one that will challenge her... Excitement builds as the year comes to an end. With that in mind she sips her wine and leans back her chair. And for once she feels as though all will be ok.

A story

A woman sits at her kitchen table, coffee in hand and stares into space. Planning meals for the next week, shopping to be done and what events are happening this month. Her life is defined by her children's needs. Her time is divided between her husband, children and friends. What little time for herself is often interrupted by little voices of her children. Her heart knows that she needs time to be herself outside of home but can't find the time, money or boldness to do it. Her belief in herself is limited. The activities she participates in are minimal to what her heart desires. Her mind entertains the idea of greatness but in reality it a far way away. Then as the voices of her children interrupt her, her mundane life continues once again. To be continued...

Seventh Day Slumber

I love this band, they have the most relevant lyrics and beautiful sound. The songs just keep hitting home for me. They express how I feel. This is there new song lyrics.

"One Mistake"

Can I hear Your voice?
'Cause I feel so far away
And You've always known exactly what to say
But tonight, I've really crossed the line
I've let You down, but You never said goodbye
And I know You'll be here tomorrow
When everyone else has come and gone

I want to run, I want to hide
Wish I could disappear tonight
'Cause I feel like I'm just one mistake away
And I know You'll never leave
But it's so hard to believe
When I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me today

How I've tried to keep this fire alive
Holding onto You, the one that I desire
And I know that I'm the one to blame
Wish I was stronger, but I'm growing every day
And I know You'll be here tomorrow
When everyone else has come and gone

I want to run, I want to hide
Wish I could disappear tonight
'Cause I feel like I'm just one mistake away
And I know You'll never leave
But it's so hard to believe
When I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me today

When I fall You run to hold me
You wrap Your arms around me
And You calm all my fears
You're not leaving me here
I'm not too far away
Still covered by Your grace
And You came to take away my shame
I'm not one mistake away

But I run and I hide
I'm still fighting with this lie
That tells me I'm just one mistake away
And Jesus, I know You'll never leave
Sometimes I get so sick of me
That I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me today

A different view

Ok so maybe venting isn't why I'm here... Clearly I suck at it anyway. So here was my weekend,

I cleaned and packed to go away for the weekend. Without the kids.
Sounds like a normal thing to do... Not when I haven't spent more than a couple of hours away from my 9 month old and barely more than a night away from my nearly 3 year old.

At first it was great... freedom, quiet time with husband. We could go anywhere, do whatever we decided to do without taking an hour to get things ready to leave...

But last night, my mother in law called to say Maddison wanted to talk to me. I hear a very soft 'Hello Mummy' on the phone. She sounded so sad that I wanted to jump in the car right then and there to go home and cuddle her. I barely slept last night because all I could think of was how I wanted to see my girls, kiss them, tuck them into bed at night and just be there for them.

For the entire weekend Sarah wouldn't touch her solids apart from a couple of mouthfuls which apparently were a struggle. The lunch I gave her when we got back, she scoffed down no worries.

It makes me never want to leave but then I know I would go completely crazy. As much as I love being free to be me they are definitely a part of who I am now.

It didn't take long for life to fall back into the groove of how it was which makes me wonder why we even bothered to go away in the first place. I'm sure I will see the subtle changes as the weeks go on but right now, it's late and I have been awake since 5am.. So I bid u all a good night.