A Life Ends

We welcome new babies into the world and we say goodbye to those we've spent a lifetime with. On Tuesday I got the news that my Great Aunty Kath had passed away.
She was always around with a smile and encouraging word for us. She always remembered birthdays, shared stories and had so much wisdom to share. She was more of a grandmother to me than my own. I will always remember her, honour her and love her for all she gave to me and my family.

She shared the word of God with conviction and supported my family and her own through the tough times. She was truly blessed by God and I believe is now with him and the rest of her family in heaven, pain free and full of joy.

RIP Aunty. You will be greatly missed and we love you heaps!

I want some good news!

Everything seems to be pulling me down lately. I'm on a crazy roller coaster that I can't get off. I'm enjoying the little pleasures that come with life but overall I feel as though I'm letting myself down along with everyone I love.

There is an intense battle in my head that is fighting good and evil it feels. I know I should be fighting the bad thoughts but I just can't. I keep coming to the same conclusion of how unfair life is sometimes. I can't even clarify if I'm justified or not. I keep going to the passive side of me. I got that from my dad, where I just accept what is happening and live with it. I don't have the will to fight it. It feels like a losing battle.

Sometimes I feel like I need to talk about these battles in my head but I know my husband won't understand or be able to give me some constructive support. If I was being honest I probably just don't want to appear to be completely crazy! I sure feel like I am. Seeing as I have all day at home to drive myself mental its no wonder I feel crazy.

I hopefully will get a break through soon. When the year gets going and I start finding some energy to exercise and go out. Pray for me. So I don't completely lose my head.

So... 2012

What a year 2011 was... Highs and lows to say the least. It passed with a blur... I honestly have no idea what actually happened apart from having my second daughter.

Lets toast to a new year and pray hard for a better one.

I hope I'm in a different place to where I was this time last year...

Happy New Year.... Or not

Just yesterday I was filled with excitement of what the year might hold... Well then I thought about what has changed...

Uh...

Nothing.

Good thing it's only the 2nd day into the year. There's still time...

My house looks like a bomb hit it, the yard is a mess, there are half finished projects all over the place and we seem to be acquiring extra stuff by the bucket load! My house is getting smaller by the minute...

Please God tell me there is still time to fix it all before the year is out...

Alternatively a bigger house will help.

Happy New Year...

Who am I?

Was I really there?
Did I imagine it?
Made it out worse than it really was?
Did I exaggerate?
In the time when everything seemed warped.

Life felt hard... was it really or was it because I perceived it to be?
In a different light, would life have been different?
Would I have coped better?

I wonder sometimes. Did I make it up because I was a drama queen? Or was it real.
I brush it off now because I think it wasn't that bad... But was it? Do I have cause to be damaged or an I overreacting?

Time wasted on working out who I am... what I think, how I have changed, if I have changed. Am I better or am I slipping? Is life really ok now...

I ask you again... who am I really?

Am I as strong as you perceive? Does it look like I have everything under control?
Do I look like a reasonable person?

I feel like things are spinning out of control. What scares me most is that I have two little girls relying on me. I can't fail. I refuse to fail when I feel like I was failed... Sure I was loved... I am still loved but it won't cover the scars.

It's like it never happened... that's why I don't know if it was that bad. Things feel worse when your young. I can't step foot in that house without feeling some pain... or just memories... yet I can walk in and pretend that nothing happened and that it's all ok... I guess maybe it is all ok. The feeling has dulled slightly. It is a bit blurry... so maybe it didn't happen at all.

I know my mind plays tricks on me sometimes. I just wish I could stay focused on the now. See what I am now and improve on that instead of remembering what I was. Wish it was that easy...

Why am I so negative about things. It makes life so much harder for us! I thought I already learned that lesson. Guess not...

Feels like a big step backwards.

So whoever reads this... I really want to know... Who am I?

For those who read this... Please comment. I need help!

From about October to mid November I start getting excited about Christmas. I think of how great it will be for my 2 girls and what fun we will have creating our own traditions. Then in the month before it I start getting stressed. Not about the usual things... About whether our family will be ok with our choices of how we want to spend Christmas and who we want to spend it with... Every year since we have been married we have argued and stressed about this. FIVE YEARS... I won't even go into the years before that... Lets just say I dreaded Christmas.

It all sounds pretty basic that we should be strong, have our Christmas how we want it and just let our families know how we want it and that should be that.

I wish...

I thought I was the one with strong will, well my husband outranks me! He has stood firmer than I ever knew he would against his own family for the sake of ours... I am proud. Me, on the other hand, have been soo stressed that I would rather give in and make everyone else happy for the sake of avoiding ruining someone else's Christmas rather than fighting for the rights to my own happiness. At first I was angry but now I just want to feel some peace and to stop thinking, second guessing my decision and just feeling hopeless!

We tried to compromise but it still wasn't good enough. I don't know why it is soo damn hard to accept the fact that we would like to spend Christmas day by ourselves without anyone 'dropping in, quickly' We will attend the church service on Christmas day and invited both sets of parents along to see us on the day but then go our separate ways but that wasn't good enough!

I don't want to give in but I am so tired of thinking about this and watching it unfold each day with more comments, frustrations and arguments. I feel bad as it is I don't want to cop anymore before we get to the day...

I just want a happy day for my girls. Just for one year I would like to look forward to it and be completely satisfied that it will go well. And just stress about normal things like if our kids will like the presents we give them and generally enjoy the day.

I want to be able to make a decision without feeling guilty if someone else doesn't like it! I want to feel like I am an adult, a mother, a reasonable person and even a nice person. I thought I deserved respect, tolerance and acceptance...

Apparently not.

I'm terrible at this blogging thing. I don't post all that often. Some days I really want to but I get distracted. I know the only one benefiting here is me. With so much in my head I don't know where to start.

Today is good news though. I'm excited. I have served on my church worship team for at least 5 years now and they are still asking me when I'm coming back since I took some time off to have my baby. When I show my surprise on how keen they are to have me back they just tell me that I'm great... Never thought I would ever hear those words about my singing.

Understand that I am such an introvert. I can't even imagine how I managed to get up on stage in the first place. I song lead at youth and ran our older peoples worship. I couldn't have done that without God. I love what I do but I'm scared of big changes. I want new opportunities but I'm terrified of when they come...

Just when I have been wondering if I should return to music and doubted myself that things happens. Just when I wasn't sure if I could actually go back God dangles someting new and exciting in front of me! I don't know what it is but having my Music Pastor tell me she wants to have coffee with me to discuss music in 2012.

I really can't wait to find out what God has in store for me next year :)