Observations

I seem to be spending a lot of time observing myself and people close to me. Not judging them but watching, thinking and learning. From a few words that have explained my behaviour from a professional and I am thinking hard about where I'm at and how I'm really coping.

It helps to understand me a bit better. Although this week I did have to be convinced that I wasn't just a crazy hormonal mum. Some days I feel like I'm losing the plot but people have insisted that its normal. I personally can't tell if I'm going crazy or just trying to cope with a whole bunch of different people and situations all at once.

Some days I feel strong and empowered, others really inadequate... I guess that's life. Its 10% situation, 90% how you deal with it. I hope I learn how to deal with it better but you have those days where you just can't take anymore and you crumble to the floor in a heap wishing you hadn't messed up like that.

The reaction of other people seem to impact me hugely in one of those moments. I felt ok about my reaction cuz I knew I was under pressure but to have words spoken after that made me feel so critical of myself and that's when I crumbled. I went completely irrational! Lucky my husband understood and just held me and told me it wasn't my fault even though I was sure it was. I saw no way out of it and I found out later that it wasn't about that at all. It was about how Dan and I dealt with it. Not how someone else reacted. We did the right thing. We came together and talked about it without passing judgment. Success for us :)

So I observe, I learn about me and the people around me. I try to think rationally and accept that I'm not perfect. It always works out when I make peace with myself.

Floods

I haven't left my house in 3 days. Although we are not affected by the floods directly I have seen videos and images of what it's done to the rivers and creeks around my area. I dread seeing the devastation when the water recedes. It feels so surreal seeing images in aerial views of the much loved Brisbane city.

I have lived here my whole life and never want to move out of this great city. What will be left of it? I have watched and cried at the stories of brave Aussies that have managed to get out and save some possessions and most importantly their loved ones. Even watching the animals, wildlife and people's livelihood be swept away by the river.

Everything else besides this disaster has felt irrelevant. I can barely leave my couch, just waiting to see how high the river will go. I can't think of anything else! If I feel like this how does the people that have evacuated their homes feel? I can't bare to think about what they're going through.

I pray for everyone in our state to keep safe and for our SES and volunteers to be safe and recognize the amazing job they are doing.

My 2010

It was a complete blur... My daughter turned 1, we finally moved into our house. I had an emotional year of confusion and denial. I wasn't happy, I was battling with feelings of doubt and questioning my ability to raise my daughter properly. Life passed me by a lot last year. I was not a good friend and kind of avoided everyone.

I think I grew up a bit, learned to let things go, prayed harder about the things that were really bothering me, learned to trust my husband more and have truly forgiven my mother. I have learned that my brothers care for me and enjoy spending time with their niece.

I thank God that every day is new. The slate is clean to start a new year and make it better than the last. I have to come to accept that things happen for a reason and in the timing that God intended. I hope this year is a happy one for us. I felt like I fought really hard to keep my head above water. But now I am floating on it as a have stopped struggling. I aim to let go this year and turn to God so that I may be able to stand on the water and walk towards him.

I will value each day and walk in the joy that God gives me. I pray that I will never break and fall as hard as I did.

For the friends that I did spend time with. Thank you for putting up with me. For being there and supporting me. I hope this year that I can be there for you. I know this year won't be easy but I hope I'm a stronger person.

I welcome 2011 with open arms, full of hope for a great year!

Wisdom

Some days I have no idea where it comes. But a moment when I have the right words to say to make a difference. Some insight to what is going on in someone elses world. Where the emotions of anger or hurt have gone and is replaced with compassion and sadness.

This doesnt happen often so when it does I harness it and remember it and pray for the right moment to deliver it. It is the moment when I forget myself and work to save another person.

This person is my mother. This pain is watching every Christmas her getting depressed and hiding away from everyone. Is random phone calls begging me to come over and cheer her up and when I can't switching to "I'm German, I can take care of myself, I am fine, dont worry abt me." For as long I can remember I hated Christmas. It was a time where I knew that I would be getting in trouble for doing something wrong and wrecking it for everyone. When in actually fact it wasnt me. I think it was the guilt passed onto me.

Even now I dread doing family dinners because it feels like we are pretending to be a happy family when no one actually wants to be there. So sad.

Anyway I will try my best to make the best day for Maddison and Dan. Because they deserve it. I hope I will get the opportunity to speak words of wisdom into my Mum's heart to snap her out of her misery. Remind her although Granddad died early this month, several years ago, Each year we lose her again and again because of it.

Stuff

Stuff is happening to me. I am not feeling great but there is hope. Some of my brain is still working because even though I wanted to give up the things dearest to me I didnt. I will fake it until I make it.

Its hard, I am trying not to question why, just to deal with it, admit that I cant do it on my own and actually lean on the people that want to help me.

The hardest part was admitting that its gone too far and I really can't talk my way out of it. I can't convince myself that I'm ok. I also can't look my friends in the eye and say that I'm fine.

I think God is reminding me that I'm not invincible even though I think I am. I have never felt more physically drained, (other than childbirth) sick and weak than I do right now. It makes me want to stay in bed and never get out, and I never feel like that. I need to be active yet my mind and my body have suddenly shut down.

Even through all I don't feel sad about it. It's a hope that one day soon I will finally start to feel better, stronger and happy again. Its nice to be able to focus on my physical health rather than my mental health for a change. It's somewhat easier. I am doing something about it for once.

Well I've admitted it, I'm enduring it and I will come out of it alive.

To stop or not to...

Is considering quitting this Idea of writing. It's not really working for me. I don't like seeing where my head has been. I never seem to write when something good happens. So either I need to stop or just think very carefully before writing (which kinda defeats the purpose). Someone told me today that they are sick of reading my emo fb updates. Which has caused me to rethink what I write. It also reiterates the feeling of others who are lacking feedback. So what is the point of this? Well I don't know if expressing my feelings is really helpful. I think it's not. For a person who is an intravert, a public blog is a rather sensitive issue. Some peole just roll their eyes and ignore me. So I don't think it's worth it.

I'm rather hurt by the lack of interest which would assume that I'm not writing quality. So why write at all. Please for those who read this, this has nothing to do with you directly. I really am only focusing on someone in particular who doesn't know I blog.

Ah this is just a waste of time. I know barely anyone reads me. It's all good. I will decide later on what I should do.

Missing

Today I feel as though I am missing something. If only I knew what it was. Nothing is stable, comfortable or reassuring. I feel like I need a good DNM except I know it won't fix anything. Probably will raise more questions than answers.

Things that I want that I'm not sure I should have. Questions I want to ask but don't think I can bare to hear the answer and things I want to say but think no one wants to hear.

Feelings of anger that I can't explain. The things I doubt in myself that I can't shake. If I tried to put these feelings into words they just sound so stupid and trivial. So I don't say them. I think it goes away for a while until a trigger sets them off.

I feel like a loaded gun that is going to go off any minute. The problem is I don't want to try and explain the mess that will follow to the unfortunate person who may cop it.

I'm sure I will be fine. Like the headache I have now, it will go away soon. I cant stop it from reoccurring but as usual I deal with it as it comes.

This sounds so dramatic, I feel like I'm writing fiction. Maybe I am. Or maybe I should write. I just want to be happy, like everyone else. Like everyone else I have problems, feelings and flaws. I am no different. I am blended into my surroundings and have never stood out. Why would I want to now?

I think I want fuss some days, I think I want sympathy... but when I get it, I don't know what to do with it. I can't take anything positive spoken to me. I don't know why. I can't hear listen to others complaints without feeling... well sad about myself. Does that make me selfish? I get angry at some people who are always sick. I can't explain that. That makes me unable to be sympathetic to others. Wow I must be a really sucky person to be with. I hate that about myself.

So back to 'missing' what is missing? Me.